وطني السودان ٢

اتخيل كل المؤتمرات الكانت فالبال و كل اللقائات الكانت بالدفاتر كل الخرط الجميلة و كل الأفكار الإنهاءات 

اتخيل تزاكر السفر التي لغت  والتلفونات التي دمرت

اتخيل حياة الناس الجميلة المرة فيها قطار الشر و الشيطان ليدوس علي ورود المستقبل و يخلي القطع في كل مكان

اتخيل الخير الدمر 

اتخيل كل شيء كيف كان مثل الموت تماما

كيف اذا كان عايش ولكنه مات

اتخيل ال

Funeral 

فكل سوداني يأتي ليعطي عزائه 

البركة فيكم احسن الله عذائكم 

كان جميل والله الوطن

يقولون

بس نعمل شنو المرض ما برحم 

حاولنا العلاج نقول

بس السم ماله علاج نقول

لقد رجع السرطان في عروقه مرة اخري الي ان لا محال للجمال

الله ارحمك يا وطن 

يا وطني 

فلقد تعبنا من دموعنا

و كانت احلامنا كبيرة مثلك 

كانت احلامنا حر 

كن سعيدين 

قبل ان تمت 

ولكنك مت و متنا معاك يا وطني 

وطني السودان ١

اول مرة احس  بالألم مثل هذا وكاني اري سكينة تدخل فيني ولكنها لا تطلع

وكاني اسمع الطبيب يقول لي لقد رجع السرطان في وطنك من جديد و كاني احس بألم كل شخص يفقد كل عزيز

مثلا عندما كان هتلر يصنف العوائل  بالقوة فكانو في افتراق الطرق الرجل يفقد زوجته و اطفاله للموت فال

Gas chambers

والرجل يجب له ان يعيش

دموعي تنزل وتحرق  خدي واتذكر اذا كان كل شرفاء السودان الذي خدعوا عندهم بنات و اولاد ينومون الليل يفكرون في أبوهاتهم المسجونين ويبكون ثم يسئلون امهاتهم عنهم 

كيف يجب ان تكون هذه المرأة فسجنو اهلها وسجنو احلامها 

اتذكر الرجال الشرفاء التي الأن كلهم وراء السجون او تحت الأرض 

وأتذكر الغدر والخيانة وكيف يكون احساسهم 

وكيف احساس البمشو علي جثته وهو ميت

يجب علي قرأة كتاب 

Victor frankl 

المناضل تحت هتلر ولقد عاش ال

Concentration camps

فالأن يجب علي ان اوقف دموعي واجد شخص قد مرة بظروف أليمة و اتعلم كيف عاش خلالها

 وطني السودان 

انك جريج الان 

انك في غيبوبة و الماكنات تنور و تصفر  و انت فالمنام

انت في منامي واحلامي 

احلم فلا يمكن سرقة الأحلام 

Subhan allah when the going gets relative

Literally when evil becomes your relative and another’s happiness is at you loss your stakes

Their smiles are at the expense of your smiles

And their new say is at the loss of your dreams and strengths

You think to yourself

Suddenly

And with fizz

Why?

Sitting in that White House not videos but the rubbish of earth are the devils on the ground 

Thinking they’ve won 

And they might have for awhile 

And that hurts a lot 

But not at the expense of my happiness

Of my hopes and dreams

Of my future 

Not at the expense of my reasoning and my strength my tries and my successes

They can gloat they can do as they wish 

But I won’t let them prevail in my heart

In my soul

Eating away at my confidence

My passes

That number showing on an email 

No 

I won’t 

Dear Eman

My beautiful one

The one I hurt so much yet love so much

I love you with all my heart

With all my soul

Change me and I change for the world

Love me and I fill with pride

Be patient with me as I am not with you

I know I am my mother

When I hate so much to be

At least not in the bad parts

I wish I could stop replicate

And here I am hoping for an answer to not be afraid

Of your reactions and your courage that fears me

Of your strength that commits me to a unknow future that I am excited and positive about

But my actions are not what you deserve 

Not in a good place

A place too big for me

Trying to swim across continents cold and full of salt

I hurt others

And others cry because of me

Shout because of me

Feel tormented because of me

The young the old

I have no mercy

I have no soul

I have lied and I have hidden

And I have been selfish and o have made them all angry and more is probably coming

And yet I am also not smart or nice or beautiful 

Or thin 

Or deserve to be rich or happy

I am not lucky or strong

I am not here or there

I am simply just a failure

A prayer gone wrong

So so wrong

The worst part of me 

Is that I do things that seem right but they are wrong 

I am alone

I truly am

In a whirlpool of angry dreams

I’m just so sad

Today 

So sad 

Why on earth am I doing this ?

So selfish hurting my time

Becoming non advanced

Losing faith

Morphing sin as good

Failing myself

Turning time into mush

Why am I doing this

Not using the free everything I’ve been given 

Giving up on the chances

Allowing imminent failure to win me

Allowing everything to beat me

It’s so easy playing a computer game

It’s so easy being so hurtful and judge and think of others in a bad way

And just get consumed in everything bad

But it’s not easy forgetting the trivial and thinking only of focus

1 million euros

Why not

Pass

Why not

Successful defend without silence and fear

Why not

Only liberating myself is how I can do 

It’s sad

Losing a father who’s still alive

As the plane sets out into the sunset the connection breaks

And the ties dissolve into the pink and blues of the silent skies

Our lives change sometimes with the unknown that slices through us

Sometimes with the unknowns that crystallise us 

Sometimes with everything you could ever want and dream

Sometimes with everything you never had

And sometimes with nothing at all

If you had known that was the last time you’d have him just driving you around and having all the time with you 

If you’d have known the mundane was actually not mundane and quite precious

If you’d known that the time was speedily ticking out of time

And that the plane was coming to take your mundane days 

No seats for you 

No ticket

No visa

Maybe I have it wrong

Maybe they’re so used to him not being around

Maybe they’re already aligned with this day and that deep down maybe they knew it was coming

Maybe it’s not so painful for them

And maybe it is

Life is strange

It can give you goosebumps dreaming about affording business tickets and a new life you never had

And it could give you something else

Which I pray it never gives