forgotten loyalty

I feel like I've been hypnotised to give m life away
tricked to pass the time away
bullied to say these words
always these words
why always regret and pain
why always angr and madness in my head
why not that nice sweet simple life
why not that good happy time
why not that beautiful commitment
why not that hopeful hope
why not goodness


why not believe in God
I should believe in god
I should learn in God

Ramadan is coming and I am so lost
Ramdan is here and I am so far away
ramadan is here and I need t so bad
every moment I await
to forget this prickly life and fall into the arms of ramadan
hard but loyal
loyalty
purity
loyalty
loyalty
believe
believing
trusting
loyalty
where is my loyalty?

screamin in silence

screamin in silence lookin for an answer falling down like a poorly trained dancer
broken down useless and concerned
its like my battle has been played
sprayed with anguish and no chance for me to fight
its like im watching my battle being fought for me by the devil
I feel only evil hitting my heart
I feel only misery attacking what I want to start
Ive never felt like this
so so so lost
so so so far away from faith
its like my battery has died
has totally died
its like the charge inside me has been torn and I Cannot find a charger for my good feelings my good remedies theyre i nteh past its like im in the futre withut my past
im in this future where fverything is terrible and i am alone
this future without anything nice
its like my future isnt mine
and I am so afraid it iwll come true
all becasue I have lost faith
I have lost loving god
knowing god
praying
simple reading quran
simple contorlling my thoughts my actions
its amazing how a simply guilt can take you break you change you
i feel awful
I feel like I need to be punished
and iTell myself or I hear GOd does what you think of him
so why am i thinking the worst
I feel like i want to scream in silence
scream get out !
you tremendously heavy fears get out
GOd is mine
God is my own

volcano feelings

I have a lot to do but one thing holds me one thing annoys me
and it is to write to say whats wrong how I feel
i feel like a furious volcano not wanting to erupt but having to erupt not wanting to kill but having to kill the cool
I feel like all that trapped lava hot and dangerous - spontaneous yet scientific
i feel like the crunch of the earth and I feel like I dont want to be here in this explosion
........
Instead I want to be making relationships with the ocean with the creative washes and cool breeze
I want to take all my anger and redness and heat and slam it into the wild rushes of water
 Iwant to drown in comfort and understanding
happy and content
a nice situation of nature to be in
I want to wake with love have love for myself before anything
....................
yes for the lave inside me will burn me consume me win me mould me and I do not want to be changed
I want to change myself
I want to be beautiful for GOd
i know the power of destruction has started to destroy me
I know I feel agitated like the volcanos sudden movement
I am thinking why cant I stop? just stop
and the answer is ...........

lostbut not forever

i may have lost the battle
but I still have not lost the war
I lost the battle of motivation/ patience/elegance/ true thinking
but I have not lost the war against true faith
that faith that secretly protects you and keeps you awake no matter how asleep you are
that true faith that cries and cries until you wipe it clean
that true faith that sirens and screams even though there is silence
I may have lost the battle but I did not lose the war
I did not lose the war
no
I didnt
right now the others are winning but it doesnt mean i have lost

Elegance......and I lost all of it

unfaithful 2

I wish I could take something back
but I cannot
i wish I could get amnesia and forget
but I am only remembering more
I wish I was the hope I knew
but I have changed
I wish I was stornger
but I was weaker
I wish I was not in so much pain right now
but I am
I wish I was not unfaithful
but I was
I wish I remembered the moon glaring at me
and the clouds trying to help me
and God testing me
maybe I could have passed
but I failed as i alwayes do in other aspects in my life
and here I am with nothing
but deep disgusting  regret and a shamful feeling of failure
I failed
I let myself fail
I let myself fall
i let my mind stop working
I let it happen
I
let
it
be
and now I have no one to blame but myself


but.......if i keep like this then life will have stopped for me on that train
then life would have stopped for me in that moment and then whats the point in living the rest of my life
the only point i have now is just to get back to the woman i was ....4 days ago
I cannot take back time
 I cannot stop time and come from the future and tell myself, show myself how wrong i was
I cannot do anything to take my problems away
 Ican only .......... move forward
I can only move forward and the more I move the further i will be the more ties will be cut
I can only think of what I did not think of that night
God
and jealousy?
I am jealous as I am the traitor
here I am thinking........I'm the best I'm the best and I'm the worst
I'm a terrible person
I'ma real betrayor
I'm a real monster
maybe even the devil in disguise..............maybe even the worst memory

unfaithful

That moment in the film when she coud have gotten the taxi in stead of going inside to the man apartment.......


at the beginning you think - best she went with him - exciting dangerous feelings come rushing in as what appened next and you want to see that discover that you forget  your whole world your simple world it becomes meaningless and you dont remember any guilt or regret .......then
and  then days pass, or maybe even hours and you begin to miss your simplicity you begin  to wish you DID get int othat taxi - and you dont know how to get rid of what youve done and just simply walk away......



my unfaithfulness might not be as serious as what happened in the film but it certainly feels like so in my mind - and my body and most importantly in my faith and that is enough to make me feel ...all this pain
 up until one minute my life was beautfiul , wondeful, I was filled with a beauty to become a better person - and then suddenly suddenly it was like someone pushed me in to hell
at first it didnt seem like hell
it seemed like heaven actually
were my dreams coming true/?
I had to see
was it meant to be ?
I had to know
nothing else mattered
not even GOD

this is probably what hurts me so much right now
for once....God did not matter
I didnt care if I was doing the wrong thing or not
I didnt care of GOd was watching or not
deep down I knew he was but I thought
Ill think about it later..........

and here I am ...... in deep pain thinking about it later

it was like this black hole they keep talking about in space
the nearer you get to it the bigger it becomes and then it sucks you inside and you cannot get away
I got closer and closer and closer and then I was sucked inside I couldnt get away - it got bigger and bigger and bigger and my sanity the real me got smaller and smaller and smaller
and I felt.....minature in this big gaping hole
and sure enough even when the morning came I felt night was st ill there that dark night the darkest nights - and the hole continued to get bigger ......and bigger.......and bigger
temptation desire lust no caution curiousity the feelng of attraction
so even when I was gone the damage was there - just a day ago I was thinking of so many other things
and then just a day after I am a totally otehr person one who i want to rip in pieces
suddenly I am thrown back in to anger/hate/inner turmoil/ fear/ regret
terrible regret
I suddenly miss the simple things in me - like being alone
I suddenly miss the good in me - I cannot fathom how I became so ugly in just under 4 hours - and ill never know
but now
right now
 i am still being pulled into the black hole
I am still being sucked in - the aftermath of destruction