Friday, June 5, 2015

We dont trust you...

We trust you...
Sounded te opposite sound sarcastic
Or was it naturally called for
I havnt seen u do anything u promised... So why now
I suddenly ask myself
Why am i apologising for my own lifes walk ? Thsse are my decisions and my options
Why do i have to feel bad about them
Its likke apologising for sleeping or thinking 
And i suddenly realised it was my fault i was letting others make me feel like this
That made me keep thinking about how they would feel about things i was doing instead of how i would feel about things i was doing
So today 
Instead of being happy being sound being alive
All i feel is regret for a choice ive taken
That got me further thinking
If i always think like this always worried about what others think about my natural  paths or my private lifes choices
Wouldnt i just get sick of making those choices
Or no wouldnt the choices mean nothing to me
Im really doing them for others
Therefore the first person i really should care about what they think is me
What do i think. 
How do i feel
What do i need
Why have i chosen to do that? 

Now those are the real questions
And now im feeling quite... Annoyed i guess
More at myself
Ive done so many bad choices that ive let other crawl into me like ... Water soaking a sponge
I deserve better from myself 
And because im not doing that
My ropes are untightening
And anything is ... Harmful hurtful heavy

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -