Thursday, June 18, 2015

Ramadan day 1 ... Pull me out

Hi ramadan
Is it so bad to say ive been a horrible person
To others
But mainly to myself
Just look at my fingers
Trauma
Just feel my thick heartbeat .. Heavy
Just count my irregular breaths ... Broken
Just hear my silent thanks... Absent
Just try to find me but you wont 
As im erased with the mess of my thoughts
Of my mistakes
Of my fears
But most importantly
Of my unbelieving dreams 
Ive got wings hurting and yet am trying to fly
Ivegot bruied eyes and yet ive been trying to see
Wondering why i cant 



See beauty honesty strength within me
I miss my man
Deeply for he is a part of me
And yet here i am
Not a part of myself
And u kno whatim tired
Very very much
Am so tired
Aching for rest
Aching for sanity
Aching for peace
Aching for a chance

So i ask you ramadan 2015
Save me
Help me
Pull me out of this suffocation
Pull me out

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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -