I want to say thank you allah for bringing me here because i know you were kind to me and brought me where i could survive - where i could learn and where i could come to exist alone and yet with you
you brought me here for a reason and I think i know
to become a better me
to share
with you and him and others new
and to share with myself
all the details of growing up of making mistakes of being someone im not proud of and of being someone i am
I met people here that I am learning from
how to ... appreciate small things in life
like cutting up courgettes
I learnt that i am a better human being than i thought
but at times i can be devious , ugly and bitter
and worse of all////weak
i can be weak to let that horrible part of me succeed
and that sad part within me monsterise
but today i realiseed something
that no matter what
i am the better , i am good and that part always reign
i realised i dont hate people who have hurt me
i am deeply heartbroken by their actions and when i let that in - it hurts but it also soothes to know i am better than hating
i realised i can push myself to do something i am scared to do
like be there for 7 am where my heart will beat faster
i understand that i miss him deeply and all my actions hurt when im away
but i know that when i see him
i will fall in love a million times stronger and better and ...kinder
in a silent house in the middle of nowhere but near the sea ...close enough to see the water and hear the ships
I suddenly realise that i am a good muslim
that i do love allah
and that he is close to me
for the the worst of times
and the lonliest ofthem
he makes it instantly alright
i am with him and he is with me
Allah
is with me
and i am the strongest
in this alienated space
this house that is and is not mine at the same time
for this is my space
and yet when i look around i miss my samsung tv and clean linen , flowered and sandalwooded with tradiiton
i miss my red kitchen
....
I am better than who i am and who i was
and i am cleaner than who i think and
i can believe to get what i want and what i need
when god wills
I am here
i exist
and i am near to everthing that i need
no matter how far it seems
I have prayed for time to run and it will
i have prayer for things to work out and they will
i have asked for special gifts and i know they will come
i have begged to be forgive and i know that he will
Y a RAb
lets begin again
hope
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