In his arms

What hurts me isn’t just that he betrayed me, lied and deceived me. What hurts me is how when I look into his eyes all is feel is how I can’t live with without him, how I still love him. It’s like all my anger towards him is really towards me for feeling this way, for feeling that I need him. Suddenly, I could slap him like I'm slapping me and shout and cry like I'm hating me, not him. How could he do this to me and I still want him to hold me with his warm eyes that I learned of by heart and his beautiful skin that makes me melt when we start.

I break the glass and throw away all the pictures to remind me to forget to force me not to regret this new day without him. But the pain only gets worse, the tears never stop and the anger never subsides. My night is way too dark to survive. I have no answers for the thousands of questions shattering my head. All those questions erupt into my soul, the hurt is burning me.
I break my own heart with what I'm doing. I want to understand why he did it. Deep down hoping for an excuse I can understand but the surface of me skims that thought away, I could never understand. All his tears, how he begged on his knees, how he so sorely feels, I could never understand. I hate the part of me that even thinks of thinking of giving him a chance to explain, THAT is what makes me really suffer. How could even a molecule of me want him back?

I can’t fall asleep, I can’t eat, I can’t speak, I am weak but I decide to work and walk into the steps ahead which will lead me into days and years without him. As I work memories try to invade new space I create and as I evaluate, his face evaluates me back into the reality of this sleepless tragedy. I drop the pen and turn off my laptop. I feel like I'm suffocating. This isn’t working, I’ve tried and I'm still remembering, caring. I have to find a solution.

Outside in the air, in the wind, I walk out slowly; it’s going to get me anyway. All the noise and people and madness, I feel like I have to surrender to them all. I feel lonely and broken but mostly I feel so tired, like I want to lay my head for a million years, so I surrender to everything, to everyone – Including me and I let -

I let the sky intimidate me and the roads occupy me
I let my body control me and my mind invade me
I let my tears engulf me and my heart opens me
I let my soul kill me and times pass me
I let that night take over me, all the scenes enroll in me and the memories control me
I let his lies come into motion and the accuracy of his betrayal fill with creation
As I breathe
I let his actions slay me and my screams replay in me
As I pour
I let all that happened tell me – the REAL story –
I let my love for him a chance to speak and I let his love for me a chance to leak –
I let my pain hurt and my anger blurt

Me, myself and I
As my clasps break and clang open all I can hear is the calamity of that night as he held my arm to try and explain but I ran out in such pain, then a new voice rises with strain with one simple message –
You want to forgive him.

You want to forgive him but you feel silly and stupid doing so, you want to forgive him but you are afraid he will hurt you again, you want to forgive him but you don’t want to be wrong. You want to forgive him so bad because you miss him and love him, need him and want him. And you want to forgive him because you believe he is hurting too.
His regret for his mistake is not - fake

I feel love for him coming back alive and I feel that even though this mistake is really hard to forgive, it’s still only a mistake.

I want to forgive him
One tear hits the ground and joins eternal freedom. All the rest of my tears now escape my prison of confusion. They cry, I cry, into clearness. As I find myself where I belong, or where I need to be strong – in his arms.