Not in a good place

A place too big for me

Trying to swim across continents cold and full of salt

I hurt others

And others cry because of me

Shout because of me

Feel tormented because of me

The young the old

I have no mercy

I have no soul

I have lied and I have hidden

And I have been selfish and o have made them all angry and more is probably coming

And yet I am also not smart or nice or beautiful 

Or thin 

Or deserve to be rich or happy

I am not lucky or strong

I am not here or there

I am simply just a failure

A prayer gone wrong

So so wrong

The worst part of me 

Is that I do things that seem right but they are wrong 

I am alone

I truly am

In a whirlpool of angry dreams

I’m just so sad

Today 

So sad 

Why on earth am I doing this ?

So selfish hurting my time

Becoming non advanced

Losing faith

Morphing sin as good

Failing myself

Turning time into mush

Why am I doing this

Not using the free everything I’ve been given 

Giving up on the chances

Allowing imminent failure to win me

Allowing everything to beat me

It’s so easy playing a computer game

It’s so easy being so hurtful and judge and think of others in a bad way

And just get consumed in everything bad

But it’s not easy forgetting the trivial and thinking only of focus

1 million euros

Why not

Pass

Why not

Successful defend without silence and fear

Why not

Only liberating myself is how I can do 

It’s sad

Losing a father who’s still alive

As the plane sets out into the sunset the connection breaks

And the ties dissolve into the pink and blues of the silent skies

Our lives change sometimes with the unknown that slices through us

Sometimes with the unknowns that crystallise us 

Sometimes with everything you could ever want and dream

Sometimes with everything you never had

And sometimes with nothing at all

If you had known that was the last time you’d have him just driving you around and having all the time with you 

If you’d have known the mundane was actually not mundane and quite precious

If you’d known that the time was speedily ticking out of time

And that the plane was coming to take your mundane days 

No seats for you 

No ticket

No visa

Maybe I have it wrong

Maybe they’re so used to him not being around

Maybe they’re already aligned with this day and that deep down maybe they knew it was coming

Maybe it’s not so painful for them

And maybe it is

Life is strange

It can give you goosebumps dreaming about affording business tickets and a new life you never had

And it could give you something else

Which I pray it never gives

I refuse

 to be the bad ending

to be the weak one, the one floating in bad thoughts and worse... delivering the obvious

i refuse to be intimidated but i also refuse to be exploited. i refuse to be strong at the expense of smartness or being fake. i refuse to be made fun of or to be made unavailable for goodness. i am good. i will always be good. i refuse to be ambushed by worry or by death connection. i refuse to be smothered in imaginery thoughts. i refuse to be consumed by the world or by what it may offer. that doesnt mean i dont want to try things. that are allowed of course. but i refuse to fall down holes or taps of buttons that can be powerful enough to suffocate. i refuse to keep trying . i will only try once. i will be faithful. i will only try whats good. 

i refuse to be unhappy. i refuse to fail. at least i refuse to not try and i refuse not trying to be a part of my failure. i refuse to not ask questions to keep analysing to keep hoping and trying but i also refuse to be taken for granted. i want to try and succeed. 

i refuse to be the bad example. i refuse to be the embarassing future. i refuse to be the devils corner . i refuse to be my souls wishes. i will connect with my heart soul and brain together in an elegant and driven manner that is both smart, useful and determined to suceed. Ya Allah as i always ask you - let me be useful to my children. Ya Allah, let me be useful to my self. and my family. Ya Allah protect me from myself most of all. and then from others. for the self is the most dangerous falling to the prey of unknown dreams 

dreams are a two ended sword. and i want to be be pricked by neither end. i want to use the good size to sieze good allowances of the mind. i believe that there is so much the heart and brain can do. and i believe there is more out there for anybody. but there is also destruction.

i refuse to be destroyed. 

Disaster.

Life thoughts and dreams 

Worries and hopes

Combine 

Merge

Dissolve me

My daughter

Her eyes are so beautiful 

And I worry she strays from their beauty 

Melting me with trying to decipher her plans

Her thoughts 

How can I understand her thoughts if I don’t even know mine 

If I don’t even know what I want or what I can do 

If I don’t know how to calculate time by results

And fears become promises

Hopes become huge

And my thoughts are lost in. The middle

And everything consumes me 

What I need

What I want 

What I can do 

What I can’t do 

These days I think there is nothing I can’t do …

And that’s a lost tale 

The thing I really really really really should be able to do 

Which is lose weight

I’ve never managed to do 

So can I succeed 

In everything else

The answer is 

…..

How I feel right now

A failure

A failure of a woman 

A failure of a mother

Begging for love

Looking for answers 

Words

Someone to soothe this pain 

Mama are you ok?

And the medicine is on

But still my thoughts are black

My mind races

Why such difficulty

Why with me like this?

Why am I such a failure with myself

And why do I feel so disappointed so afraid

Why can’t I lick my wounds

At least my wounds are not from an accident

They’ve been layered and I’m angry and afraid

Going to mungnet 

I feel so alone

I am so Alone

These thoughts are just too much 

These wishes are to much to bare

These disappointments little ones are like mountains

It makes me ache 

That I have to try this hard

But in my dreams no one can hurt me 

And that’s why I run to them 

And although I hate them

I give in to them

BecUse in there it’s perfect

The water boy they called him

And he wasn’t for a while

 But now I’m a burden 

Where he answers rarely

And doesn’t for the majority

And where I cry with being so alone

I’m sick of it all

I’m just sick of it all 

You heal me Eman

You really do 

For Saturday mornings are meant for you 

Not for a stupid (word not allowed) computer not working and text messages about work that isn’t even mine and worries that don’t deserve to occupy your special place in my heart 

But they do and so you fight

Beautifully

Taking my phone away 

And it’s the right best thing you could ever do 

And the picture we did (well you 95 me 5) together was wonderful 

And I wasn’t concentrating and you kept at me 

Saying in your own child language 

Look at me 

Pay attention to me 

And 

I miss you 

All the week you’re away and even on Saturday your mind isn’t with me 

I felt awful you pulling and pulling for me to go outside

Bike training really trying to win over me which you deserve

I’m sorry Eman

I’m not a very good mum