How I feel right now

A failure

A failure of a woman 

A failure of a mother

Begging for love

Looking for answers 

Words

Someone to soothe this pain 

Mama are you ok?

And the medicine is on

But still my thoughts are black

My mind races

Why such difficulty

Why with me like this?

Why am I such a failure with myself

And why do I feel so disappointed so afraid

Why can’t I lick my wounds

At least my wounds are not from an accident

They’ve been layered and I’m angry and afraid

Going to mungnet 

I feel so alone

I am so Alone

These thoughts are just too much 

These wishes are to much to bare

These disappointments little ones are like mountains

It makes me ache 

That I have to try this hard

But in my dreams no one can hurt me 

And that’s why I run to them 

And although I hate them

I give in to them

BecUse in there it’s perfect

The water boy they called him

And he wasn’t for a while

 But now I’m a burden 

Where he answers rarely

And doesn’t for the majority

And where I cry with being so alone

I’m sick of it all

I’m just sick of it all 

You heal me Eman

You really do 

For Saturday mornings are meant for you 

Not for a stupid (word not allowed) computer not working and text messages about work that isn’t even mine and worries that don’t deserve to occupy your special place in my heart 

But they do and so you fight

Beautifully

Taking my phone away 

And it’s the right best thing you could ever do 

And the picture we did (well you 95 me 5) together was wonderful 

And I wasn’t concentrating and you kept at me 

Saying in your own child language 

Look at me 

Pay attention to me 

And 

I miss you 

All the week you’re away and even on Saturday your mind isn’t with me 

I felt awful you pulling and pulling for me to go outside

Bike training really trying to win over me which you deserve

I’m sorry Eman

I’m not a very good mum 

my turmoil is now showing

 Everything is not in the right place

not great

was the answer

i saw it in his face in the morning

and then they saw it in mine

so it must be getting bigger

this void between who i pretend to be and who i really am

things unimaginable

i am unbreakable and i dont know whats right anymore

transferring the opposites of my duaas i am the black cloud

and i am pennyless in good activity

and i am carrying a heavy load

of regret and actions that should be sanctioned

my mind

putty

my hands iron

for benefit of no one

my heart probably clogged

my legs strong but useless

my face swollen

my ears

tired

my eyes

angry

like her they will tell 

one day

my mouth  lacking

my watsapp confused

my water

not drunk

my muscles fading

i am the definition of wrong

and theyre right

i cant stand facing myself

the truth is

i cant stand facing myself

thats why i hate being at home

i cant stand myself

i cant stand anything about me

the woman in me

is like a monster that must stay quiet in front of people

so take it there

i am angry with myself a great deal

i have hurt myself a great deal

i am pushing myself for all the wrong reasons

for example

non one can give me love except myself

unless i give it first 

other peoples love is voluntary 

i can never ever make them give it 

and that is why i feel so empty

waiting for others to fill me

only my love is what i can ask for and what i deserve

i am angry with myself 

this is not what i promised myself

this is nothing  like what i can be 

and right now its doesnt matter whats in the future

but it does matter that i am comfortable with myself

isnt it strange that i spent three weeks and i never once felt guilty

and then things happen and suddenly in 3 days i felt the weight on my shoulders

and all this guilt 

and all this anger

and all this turmoil and dsigust

in just 3 days taking them with me

into this black hole i so desperately want to crawl out of

i cant begin to imagine how annoyed she is with me

my frustration is now hers

and my fears are now her own

and today something else happened

being put in the middle

will he be the judge of us

this isnt the picture of the family i want to create

and nothing is wrong in it except me

 

Mind fog dimness bleakness and cloud

Am feeling lonely

Angry 

Messy 

Empty

Destructive

Lacking

Mean

Big with holes

Small with stupidness

Just all wrong

I feel

Really 

Alone

Always waiting for my phone to click

Always dreaming for the right thing in the wrong place

Always pushing back stress with more stress

Allaying filling my time with the wrong things

Golden time given to robbers

All hard work given to devils

All mistakesgiven back in return as guilt

As less sleep

As the present of being tired

Allah said

Be aware that you might love something that is bad for you

And that is it exactly

I won’t get asked on that 

I won’t be able to write on that 

I won’t be able to create on that 

I won’t be able to say anything in that 

That won’t save me

I feel

Very angry with myself

That I am so calm and can’t even walk 

I feel so silly with myself

I feel empty just empty 

Sleepy

Obsurd 

Walls

Between each other

Why bother

Sometimes 

But then I remember the grandness of love

I search and search 

 It I just can’t find the answer

To finding myself

Ropes I hold

Thoughts i mould

Into nothing

Hours

Scared and meaningless

Walls of fear

Walls in my tears

Walls between my soul and heart

Thumbs and phone work all the time

Walla of repetition

Blind me

I am hypnotised

The poorest resolution

But I would never do that 

Walla of madness walla of bad luck or things bad done 

Standing with the wrong crowd or having the wrong anger

Walla of mistakes that you don’t even know are mistakes

Walla of dreams that you fall from each and every day

IM so sleepy

Leaning against my walls of life

It’s all a haze

A daze

Of brokenness

Walls to build things a future

And walls that need to be broken

I am sad from who I’ve become

Although I know my heart is white

But who cares

The walls won’t let anyone see 

Tommorow is her true last day of Creche

I feel tormented with a joyful pain 

That she is so big and get so small 

I still remember so frightened so In jittered worry to just have her

And here she is nearly 5

And her true last day of Creche

I have seen her break many walls

But I am the reason for her sadness too 

Inside tears

gush through me and tear out my eyes 

secretly flooding the meaning of love that i so madly believe in 

 the truth is nothing true of my wishes t

he truth is heartbreaking and a twist of emptiness 

empty wishes 

empty dreams 

empty words 

empty things 

empty eyes 

empty voices 

empty mornings and evenings too 

 i feel very sad 

that i cannot get across what i want to get across 

that maybe i am incorrect 

 that maybe i am incorrect in trying to always believe 

 I feel sad that i am uncontrollable and that i am existent in a world and he is in another 

I feel sad that i am so alone 

not physically but mentally 

 nobody understands me escpecially those who i need to understand me the most 

 I feel so far away in what i want and need and what i can be given 

the offer is so poor

 its like going into a huge shop you had such big hopes in to find everything you need and desire but it turns out be something else 

 my tears soak me 

my skin has holes and my eyes are blurred and my heart aches 

 I wish i knew the true meaning of words 

 of behind the image 

 of behind the sound 

 of behind the im busy 

 of behind the calling not ringing 

 of behind all the things i dont understand 

or of others that dont want me to understand 

 my towers are shaking 

my strength is faltering 

my confidence is realyl nothing here 

i am this fake person trying to make it in a big mans world without nothing on my side 

 too many worries 

too many questions i cannot ask 

too many answers i feel are not the right ones 

too many misconnections 

 too many wishes i cannont make true 

 too many fears consume me

 too many emotions heavy to carry 

too many responsibilities i have to take alone because today i truly feel alone 

 with all my heart 

 with all my soul 

with all my being 

i feel alone 

i feel so stupid too 

i feel ugly and 

i feel that i am boring

 i feel a mess

 i feel powerless 

i feel disassociated and if i try to ask 

 i fail 

i get shot with roses 

maybe the message didnt delete? 

i dont know 

 i dont care 

 when im upset things always turn to me apologising 

and 

when im upset no one ever fixes it 

and when im upset i have to deal with it alone

and when im upset it has to stay a secret 

and when im upset im probably wrong to feel upset 

and when im upset im probably exxagerating 

and when im upset im probably silly 

and when im upset im probably selfish 

and when im upset i better shut up because ill get the im busy treatment 

 and when im upset i better find the cure quickly 

there must be a cure 

oh but where is it? 

please help me find it ? 

 can i buy it? 

can i conjure it? 

can i whisk it into my heart? 

can i borrow it ? 

 can i find it thrown away ? 

can I make it?

 please there must be a cure 

 its like love has become professional not balanced 

 ask for a letter you get it in a millisecond ask for love you must be joking

Who am I angry at ?

for I really have no one to be angry at but myself feeling the weakness but i am angry its like im being isolated from love although i am the most that loves it its like im being asked for nothing although i want to give all my love its like im stupid although i know i more better and clever than this its like im angry at the whole world but mostly the whole world is me because i know at the end Allah will only ask me why i did that and it wont be oh, let someone else take the blame no one can take the blame for my anger and weaknesses but me and just as i do i pay just as i break i shatter its wrong full stop its wrong but who am i angry at? who deserves to have responsibility for my pain?