Change the whole of me 4

Good morning Allah
here I am to pray on  a friday so I may
cherish in you r sweet existence and transform in to the queen i really would like to be
I ask for time for time is precious
I understand its expensive and I realy cannot afford
but I pray for your kindly reward
of more time
I ask for peace
within my heart and mind and soul
no reigning battles or battles conquered
just agreements and signed mutual contracts
strong pacts that all three agree - the fight is against
the devil not
themselves
Good morning allah
I pray on the second friday after Ramadan
you give me change . the whole of me
and you  only let me distance from Ramadan through time
only to get nearer to next ramadan
not through forgeting
not through sinning
not through living a life not worth living

i miss my country and the perfect smells or even the wrong ones
i miss the waft of early morning and that queit attitude of the mid afternoon snoozing or independant TV watching while everyone else is alseep unless the house is filed with relatives so you relatively hear amplitudes of giggles and chatting about everyone else -
Ya Rab take me back home
but not when I am not ready
 Iask you let that be the right time
for I want to change the whole of me first 

Soldier thought 1

I'm trying to play chess
i am rubbish but I hope to improve

but thinking about it
I have learned an awful lot from the game as a metaphor for life so new idea for a string of thoughts and words plays in my mind each one will be called whatever the piece in the picture is

Soldier/Pawn thought

dont underestimate the simplicity of someone or something - you may be damaged or threatened by even the most innocent types of people and they may loom over you , you not knowing which way to turn, always start a day, a moment, a conversation, a relationship with a clear mind but try to keep safe from even those who may seem innocent  - do not trust all for you do not know their next moves, do not say all you feel or your most beautiful or darkest secret for you do not know how they will use that for them or against you , do not assume they want the best for you for indeed theyre motive may be something else completely

now let me turn that around

there are soldiers out there who would fight for you, lay their lives for you, want not just the best for you but simply want you, your eyes, mind, body, heart and soul to be safe, they fear for you more than themselves and they want to be with you all the time but if protecting you is waht it takes then its what it takes. there are soldiers taht want to love you forever and betrayal is not in their game for they fear god andthey fight for inner peace and a golden heart is whats inside them there are soldiers you should love forever, respect and cherish for they are men of bravery, courage and love , they are the most important part of your life and you love them because they deserve it but also because you need to love someone so faithful so strong, and sound like a good soldier , a good man, a good father, a good husband.

so there are soldiers..... and their are soldiers......
                                  

change the whole of me 3

Change the whole of me for I want to taste life
and i want to have cystals of sugar in my fantasies
and I want to smell cookies in the oven of a hot afternoon
or the bubbling lasagne of romance
I want to feel the hot cardemon tea on my lips
over merging night
and i want to indulge int he delicacy of melting chocolate in a secret place
 change the whole me Ya RAb, I want every cell of me to never forget
or regret
anything
I want the whole of me
to become
happier stronger better cleaner
Change the whole of me
I want to grill my sadness away
then only the cool yogurt icecream will be left
somewhere between the 3am blissful darkness of  khartoum fairytale and the faint bliush tinge of a heavy refrigerator
will be me
Change the whole of me Ya Rab
change the whole of me Ya Rab
for I want cake but I want it with crazy tastes
and a glistening spoon
not ugly with a plastic fork
I love cake
Ya Rab
I love cake
change the whole of me like good cake
Ya Rab

Unless you pray,...

when they see you next time they go ...silent or was it wow or a gasp
yes it was

a gasp

911 call the police
yes what is your emergency?
my dreams have been stolen
when
for about as long as i can remember
do you have any suscpicions
yes the devil
 yes maam we think he's stolen a lot of other people's dreams  too we know he can be very dangerous and cunning
have you left the windows and doors of your soul open?
I tried to close them but clearly not tight enough
yes he can get through your smallest weakness and split
well i'm sorry we cant do anything to get back yor old dreams
once he's taken them theyre gone for he uses them to replenish his own strength so he can attack again
What?
so how am i supposed to live now?
I dont know maam
I guess youll have to build new ones
but i want my old ones back
cant you search for him, put out a warrant search or soemthing ? maybe he hasnt consumed mine yet, maybe theyre still in his pocket and thus I can get them back, please help me, I must have them back they were the most beautiful dreams, filled with light and hope and an image in my mind i never wanted to get rid of or forget, they were dreasm of gold and diamonds and they were hard but they were worth it,  I want them back , I want them back NOW!
we'll try maam but the chances are slim unless...
unless what?

unless you pray

pray very hard, and when you think youve prayed hard , pray harder, because youre only hope of retrieving them is an angel fighting for you and winning them back, an angel is the only thing that can get them back for u their light blinds the devil and their speeed is a million to one compared to him, if you can pray so hard , maybe an angel will be sent down for you to get them back but remember they only help those who they think really will care about their dreams once theyre back- they wont do it just because youre sad or unhappy , theyll only do it if you work hard enough if you really love your dreams - if you really are made for them

ask the hard questions...but do you know the answer?

I cant sleep
its been a week since eed
really?
I am back to before ramadan>
is that it?
all that i can expect?
my cries
my dreams
my hopes
my aims
my goals
my strengths
my prayers
that they they dissipate like that
was i really that fake?
am i really that bad/
is there something so bad within me it really cannot hold
all that i want to be ?
i ask myself
am i really that weak
that lost
that tempted>?
must i have to endure all this sorrow
for another year
? or more
until when
will i live the same life
over and over just with different dates

really?
is it really?
can it really have just all been thrown out?

I dream of never giving up the fight for myself

I dream about knowing things that others dont know
I dreams about loving someone that is a good man from the bottom of his heart
I dream about being good at making cakes - and cooking in general like magic wand stuff
I dream about transferring joy to all that i may meet , saying good things about people only
I dream about being true to myself before anybody else
I dream of the way I never fall or fail to be a good muslim
I dream of being miles ahead fast , for time is precious
I dream of time being precious and expensive but that I can afford it
I dream of trying to do the right thing, even if its hard

to be continued

I lived , I loved for faith, for success, for health, and for myself

It's here the first trauma
you feel like your hanging on by dear life
and like a chess board
you always lose
do you want to be cornered in life like that ?
learn from your pain
do you want the devils to corner you like that?
move here
lets get her throught taht
plan this
lets ruin herplan by doing this
are you moving in life simply to protect yyourself or get out of situations or
are you the one moving the game?
if you want something ?
do you get it>?
its been just over a week since ramadan
the more days pass the harder it will get
i know that
but the stronger you should become
dont forget your dreams and dont forget your strengths
your aspirations
youre a lucky woman
you really are
dont abuse that
dont thrwo that away
thats what youre doing
god
look at how many resources
you have
choices you have
sunshines you have
happinness you have
dont throw that away
in fact
flower it
cherish it
so one day inthe future you say
when i was here i lived i loved
dont forget your role model