Nagat was lonely

But she used faith to survive

What do i have

Non the wiser i am the modern lonely professor

Letting it seep and seep and rot me

Yet i do not have all the things she did

I only saw the last while

Spoilt she said to me

Maybe

Now i see i copied

Inspired by the wrong

But it can be hard

Whos right and where do lines merge

Tough i remember

Actions i would take and then hate

Do them but dont accept them

Its

Lonely

My world

Sitting here

So afraid of the future amidst people chatting away and me typing into this begging

Begging for my tears not to fall 

I surrender to my pain

Its so hard to pretend your strong

And i am wrong

In so many things

Too late

Its fate

To fail 

I surrender

To my pain 

Let it all rain

The acid 

The wishful thinking

The turmoil

Inside me

The inability to proceed

The thoughts i do not have

The ones i do i want to refund

Lonely

In every single

Letter

Lonely

Unableto become

Unable to break free

Unable to push through 

Unable to believe

Unable to imagine but rot

Unable

I surrender to my illness

Of loneliness

Its sad what ive become

I know losing my country has a role

Its like being told ur made of the wrong thing

I fit here and i dont

I hate it

All these fusion powers inside me cutting of like that nighttime darkness in khartoums blackness during those 3 hour  cuts. But sometimes it came back in 40 min and we were delighted

Fill the buckets it will cut again … now

My buckets remain empty like it and darkness has stayed forever

Breakfast in hell.

I have to accept i am a piece of hell mKing

Ideas soften inside and roughen my skin

Blending my takes i try

I fail

I wonder whose fault it is

Someones else living my dreams

Every.

Single.

One.

In everything

I do not have the upper hand in the things i create

The things i make

Mine

Part of me my body my mind

Are not really mine

And i have theemptiness of the eggs beans and mushrooms to prove it

I hurt

Very much

I try

I fail 

I push it breaks

They are not my friend

They are not interested

In me

For i am a piece of hell 

In my familys life.  

ما تفرضي رائيك

رائيك قوي

بدون اناقة ولا هدي

ما تفرضي رائيك 

رائيك حار

وانتي ما نار

ما تفرضي رائيك 

رائيك غالب

وانا ما نحن ما …. معاك

ما تفرضي رائيك

You arebossy 

ماتفرضي رائيك 

خليها و خلينا

ما تفرضي علينا

Ur thoughts

ما تفرضي رائيك 

Just leave us alone

ما تفرضي رائيك 

انا مع ناس …

بي جاي

ما 

تفرضي

رائيك

كل ما ساي

ما تفرضي رائيك 

I give

And i never ask

ما تفرضي رائيك

بحلم بي rotana in a dofferent past

In those stories

I cannot write

What a waste of 6.49 

ما تفرضي رائيك

انا احسن منك 

ما تفرضي رائيك

The tears hold

For now

But i am close to not understanding how

Of what ive become…

ما تفرضي رايئك

He wont come for me…

Or will he?

I dont know

Wait….

22.25

Wait….

ما تفرضي رايئك

Its research

The aches and pains and mistakes

ما تفرضي رايئك 

ما تجيني

Wait

U dominant piece of shit

ما تفرضي

رايئك

U slap piece of fuck

ما تفرضي رايئك

U useles piece of waste

Wait

22.27

ما تفرضي رايئك

U sensitive piece of scum 

ما تفرضي رايئك

Told u i was tired

Ur the last piece of shit on my mind

Maybe once a week if ur lucky 

…

Wait

22.28 

Volcano lava on my face

Sit back and enjoy the silence

The loneliness

Let the lava burn ur clothes

Let it tske ur heartبس ما تفرضيرايئكU ugly piece of woman….

 

True words

Im feeling sick

Feom the inside out

Im feeling wrong

No longer strong

Im feeling weak 

And meek

Towards my life

Im feeling dependant like an old man to their walking stick

But not for moving for stalling

I am not well

I feel down

And around and around

My wishes are nit my command

I am not anything

I am not promising

I am  not right

There is  no fight

Left in me

I am alone

With a heart of stone

All these ideas

Are like drugs

Turning me over

Into a dry ash leaf

I am a thief

Of myself

Broken unspoken

An emotoy tokwn

Unable to fulfill 

My own aspirations

Chosen

Fragmented

I am ill represented.

I am not well

Black ice

Im sick

Really sick

Ice that doesnt melt in the sun

Eyes that cannot see

A body that has no truth

Or love

Fake

Im black

Rotting like a dead apple

Even my choices are scary

I can see the evidence

——

Who can i talk to?

No one in this world

With all these people and yet im so lonely

So far

So sad

So bad

So mad

So cannot be her friend my own 

Always angry at me and im always angry at her

Love depleted

95 euros worth of nothing

So quick to act

Filling in the spaces i cant

Im …

I

…

Have no one who likes me

Escp god

He really wouldnt like me

Sometimes

Sometimes im this

Sometimes im that

Sometimes im broken

Sometimes i shake

Myself lonely for bait

Sometimes i wonder

Sometimes i dont

Sometimes i imagine the

Scenes of my thoughts

Flying over and under out of my heart and into my mind

Sometimes i wish i was inside them theyre good for the ride

Sometimes i weep

Sometimes i hurt

Them all

Sometimes im not magical 

Or spiritual

Just physically wrong

Sometimes im alone

Ineverything

Soemtimes itsmy fault

Always 

I cant smell your kindness

She spoke

She isright im a messed up float

Of asinking human being

Unhealthy

Self sabotage queen

And going around in circles master

Unable to communicate my disasters

Here i am letting my angry face win

And the dissipate from my disease

I cant smell your kindness so use this to mask your odour

Of terrible mothership and owndership

Cant control yourself so control others

Fear it

You are a terrible person 

Know it

Your sins are unacceptable

Believe it your smell is disgusting

Own up to it

You are shadows worth of nothing