I couldn’t believe when I found it alive. For 2 months the butterfly had been stuck in a cobweb and although I had thought it was breakfast lunch and dinner it was a winner
The butterfly survived opened its wings and flew the spider came looking this big massive thing came too far low and the dynamics were all lost
Oh butterfly how did you do it be so so so … patient !
So she got me
The loneliness has too
It’s amazing how I get this house would make me super happy but here I am lonely as can be
Unable to sort out the mess trying
But difficult
I see
Simple the town hits angles into my thoughts
I imagine the pouring of a simple day
Of life of war or nothing of health of trying of despair of wishing of getting
All days
They come and go and never stay
Even though the day is here
With rain
If only they knew they are the lowest of the lowest
Their cheap perfume gives me a headache and implementation of life makes for an annoying ride
Their voice too loud for nothing and they use damaging tactics . For their family for their kids for their lives
Lowest of the lowest
It scares me
Bewilders me
It’s hard being good
It’s exhausting and yet
I try
Lowest of the lowest
Cheap clothes
Cheap thoughts
Maybe so maybe not
I don’t know the whole story I say
But I do know this
I do try
But I also worry
It’s all wrong
The worry
Making me sick
Making me old
But allah has never failed me
Even when I fail him he helps me
It’s sad really
That I live ….
With worry
I try not let it seep out of me but sometimes it’s just gushes
Until I annoy others
Then I worry some more
Then I eat
I think that’s the pattern and yet
All good that’s happened it’s just beyond explanation
Beyond words
And yet I’m wondering how do people do this
How do people think like this
How do people imagine they have a life or not
Lowest of the lowest
Lowest of the lowest
And then the other crowd
It’s tv for them
A
L
L
D
A
Y
L
O
N
G
I hope things work out
We all have our faults
We all have our pains
We all have our strengths
We all have our weaknesses
We all have our anguishes
We all have our regrets
We all have our hopes
We all then set out to deliver
Of people waiting for the house
They beg they call they try they think they bypass they ask they hope they dream they text they text again they scan they attach not just their aspirations but also their papers their worries they speak they send they email they stare with the corner of their eye each time they pass and finally they realise they’re still no very different than the one at the end
Who knows maybe even they have a stronger chance
For why me?
The ugly unprayered lazy parent disappointing senseless witch
A fascinating scary word
Catastrophic
When pressures outside become to much to bare
Like how it’s hard right now waiting for answers waiting for time waiting for words like spears
I watch the resemblance how unforgiving how tough how obedient the need is
And I ask myself
If it’s this painful to feel
Why do I do it to them?
Each day it gets harder
The way the materials I’m made of change for the weaker
With nothing to strengthen them from the inside
They say it’s always them
But this time I guess it really is me
For the pressure is strong and natural
But me I don’t have the power to make it go away
Or to protect myself from the words
Implosion
A catastrophic event
Not outward but inward
When the cracks start maybe a little while they have been there maybe suddenly and as deeper and deeper it goes as tough as it gets until
…. Silence
Many repeats made it happen so what are my repeats I feel ok knowing I try but when I don’t
I feel like no matter what I could be made of I will
… implode
Like this no religion
Just a target
It’s coming
——-
It’s hurtful but I must bare it
It’s shaming but I must take it
What really hurts is that this is my consequence right now
4 people in a room just cannot make for an empty one
But that’s ok my fire burns because I’m strong
It’s difficult but I can make it
It’s lonely and that’s the hardest taking
My body is getting heavier and heavier
I imagine the silence of the wreck
How the time clicks and turns down there by people’s mistakes
If only If only if only
What are my if onlys?
What are my ‘I wish I could take backs ‘
Well right now I graduated and I’m proud
I must be strong so I can survive it
Best hope
I still remember classes of impressions yet asherance to study was what I learnt
If you had 25 min to spare you use it to learn not eat
And so now I am a bmi of 45 adding all those 25’s
My accomplishments seem … annoying
I don’t see it having been woken up at 3am and now it’s 5am boy am I tired
But yea it is getting ready for a new day
And yet news comes in my previous acquaintances are doing much much better than me
It saddens me
But then I think this is as best I’ve done in the situations I’ve been given
But then I see no
It’s not
For example I don’t need time or money or even intelligence or lose weight or to know I have spiralled out of control
And yet here I am with a bmi of 45 written on papers an embarrassment really
How can I accomplish anything if I can’t accomplish myself
Today will be a test of time
For I have had no good sleep I could eat the world but would it make me feel better
I feel sad and mad at myself
It’s all about adherence
Adhere to your goals to your sanity to your strength to your belief to your red lines
And go back turn back
Now
