I refuse

 to be the bad ending

to be the weak one, the one floating in bad thoughts and worse... delivering the obvious

i refuse to be intimidated but i also refuse to be exploited. i refuse to be strong at the expense of smartness or being fake. i refuse to be made fun of or to be made unavailable for goodness. i am good. i will always be good. i refuse to be ambushed by worry or by death connection. i refuse to be smothered in imaginery thoughts. i refuse to be consumed by the world or by what it may offer. that doesnt mean i dont want to try things. that are allowed of course. but i refuse to fall down holes or taps of buttons that can be powerful enough to suffocate. i refuse to keep trying . i will only try once. i will be faithful. i will only try whats good. 

i refuse to be unhappy. i refuse to fail. at least i refuse to not try and i refuse not trying to be a part of my failure. i refuse to not ask questions to keep analysing to keep hoping and trying but i also refuse to be taken for granted. i want to try and succeed. 

i refuse to be the bad example. i refuse to be the embarassing future. i refuse to be the devils corner . i refuse to be my souls wishes. i will connect with my heart soul and brain together in an elegant and driven manner that is both smart, useful and determined to suceed. Ya Allah as i always ask you - let me be useful to my children. Ya Allah, let me be useful to my self. and my family. Ya Allah protect me from myself most of all. and then from others. for the self is the most dangerous falling to the prey of unknown dreams 

dreams are a two ended sword. and i want to be be pricked by neither end. i want to use the good size to sieze good allowances of the mind. i believe that there is so much the heart and brain can do. and i believe there is more out there for anybody. but there is also destruction.

i refuse to be destroyed. 

Disaster.

Life thoughts and dreams 

Worries and hopes

Combine 

Merge

Dissolve me

My daughter

Her eyes are so beautiful 

And I worry she strays from their beauty 

Melting me with trying to decipher her plans

Her thoughts 

How can I understand her thoughts if I don’t even know mine 

If I don’t even know what I want or what I can do 

If I don’t know how to calculate time by results

And fears become promises

Hopes become huge

And my thoughts are lost in. The middle

And everything consumes me 

What I need

What I want 

What I can do 

What I can’t do 

These days I think there is nothing I can’t do …

And that’s a lost tale 

The thing I really really really really should be able to do 

Which is lose weight

I’ve never managed to do 

So can I succeed 

In everything else

The answer is 

…..

How I feel right now

A failure

A failure of a woman 

A failure of a mother

Begging for love

Looking for answers 

Words

Someone to soothe this pain 

Mama are you ok?

And the medicine is on

But still my thoughts are black

My mind races

Why such difficulty

Why with me like this?

Why am I such a failure with myself

And why do I feel so disappointed so afraid

Why can’t I lick my wounds

At least my wounds are not from an accident

They’ve been layered and I’m angry and afraid

Going to mungnet 

I feel so alone

I am so Alone

These thoughts are just too much 

These wishes are to much to bare

These disappointments little ones are like mountains

It makes me ache 

That I have to try this hard

But in my dreams no one can hurt me 

And that’s why I run to them 

And although I hate them

I give in to them

BecUse in there it’s perfect

The water boy they called him

And he wasn’t for a while

 But now I’m a burden 

Where he answers rarely

And doesn’t for the majority

And where I cry with being so alone

I’m sick of it all

I’m just sick of it all 

You heal me Eman

You really do 

For Saturday mornings are meant for you 

Not for a stupid (word not allowed) computer not working and text messages about work that isn’t even mine and worries that don’t deserve to occupy your special place in my heart 

But they do and so you fight

Beautifully

Taking my phone away 

And it’s the right best thing you could ever do 

And the picture we did (well you 95 me 5) together was wonderful 

And I wasn’t concentrating and you kept at me 

Saying in your own child language 

Look at me 

Pay attention to me 

And 

I miss you 

All the week you’re away and even on Saturday your mind isn’t with me 

I felt awful you pulling and pulling for me to go outside

Bike training really trying to win over me which you deserve

I’m sorry Eman

I’m not a very good mum 

my turmoil is now showing

 Everything is not in the right place

not great

was the answer

i saw it in his face in the morning

and then they saw it in mine

so it must be getting bigger

this void between who i pretend to be and who i really am

things unimaginable

i am unbreakable and i dont know whats right anymore

transferring the opposites of my duaas i am the black cloud

and i am pennyless in good activity

and i am carrying a heavy load

of regret and actions that should be sanctioned

my mind

putty

my hands iron

for benefit of no one

my heart probably clogged

my legs strong but useless

my face swollen

my ears

tired

my eyes

angry

like her they will tell 

one day

my mouth  lacking

my watsapp confused

my water

not drunk

my muscles fading

i am the definition of wrong

and theyre right

i cant stand facing myself

the truth is

i cant stand facing myself

thats why i hate being at home

i cant stand myself

i cant stand anything about me

the woman in me

is like a monster that must stay quiet in front of people

so take it there

i am angry with myself a great deal

i have hurt myself a great deal

i am pushing myself for all the wrong reasons

for example

non one can give me love except myself

unless i give it first 

other peoples love is voluntary 

i can never ever make them give it 

and that is why i feel so empty

waiting for others to fill me

only my love is what i can ask for and what i deserve

i am angry with myself 

this is not what i promised myself

this is nothing  like what i can be 

and right now its doesnt matter whats in the future

but it does matter that i am comfortable with myself

isnt it strange that i spent three weeks and i never once felt guilty

and then things happen and suddenly in 3 days i felt the weight on my shoulders

and all this guilt 

and all this anger

and all this turmoil and dsigust

in just 3 days taking them with me

into this black hole i so desperately want to crawl out of

i cant begin to imagine how annoyed she is with me

my frustration is now hers

and my fears are now her own

and today something else happened

being put in the middle

will he be the judge of us

this isnt the picture of the family i want to create

and nothing is wrong in it except me

 

Mind fog dimness bleakness and cloud

Am feeling lonely

Angry 

Messy 

Empty

Destructive

Lacking

Mean

Big with holes

Small with stupidness

Just all wrong

I feel

Really 

Alone

Always waiting for my phone to click

Always dreaming for the right thing in the wrong place

Always pushing back stress with more stress

Allaying filling my time with the wrong things

Golden time given to robbers

All hard work given to devils

All mistakesgiven back in return as guilt

As less sleep

As the present of being tired

Allah said

Be aware that you might love something that is bad for you

And that is it exactly

I won’t get asked on that 

I won’t be able to write on that 

I won’t be able to create on that 

I won’t be able to say anything in that 

That won’t save me

I feel

Very angry with myself

That I am so calm and can’t even walk 

I feel so silly with myself

I feel empty just empty 

Sleepy

Obsurd 

Walls

Between each other

Why bother

Sometimes 

But then I remember the grandness of love

I search and search 

 It I just can’t find the answer

To finding myself

Ropes I hold

Thoughts i mould

Into nothing

Hours

Scared and meaningless

Walls of fear

Walls in my tears

Walls between my soul and heart

Thumbs and phone work all the time

Walla of repetition

Blind me

I am hypnotised

The poorest resolution

But I would never do that 

Walla of madness walla of bad luck or things bad done 

Standing with the wrong crowd or having the wrong anger

Walla of mistakes that you don’t even know are mistakes

Walla of dreams that you fall from each and every day

IM so sleepy

Leaning against my walls of life

It’s all a haze

A daze

Of brokenness

Walls to build things a future

And walls that need to be broken

I am sad from who I’ve become

Although I know my heart is white

But who cares

The walls won’t let anyone see 

Tommorow is her true last day of Creche

I feel tormented with a joyful pain 

That she is so big and get so small 

I still remember so frightened so In jittered worry to just have her

And here she is nearly 5

And her true last day of Creche

I have seen her break many walls

But I am the reason for her sadness too