87 days until forever....

born in 1987 and I realise there are 87 days until my wedding
life has changed and things are dramatic
this is not who I want to be 87 days before the final day
until I step out of this world and enter the neext
right now
I know God aint happy
I know hes dissapointed
so that ivory winter white will look elephant and not like winterwonderland

im rough
and i hate it
can i Really change into the woman I want to be in 87 days
they say it only takes 21 to change any habit aaround
I dont know ive given up on myself so many times before
why not now?
easy to forget what i want and how to get it
easy to become so preoccupied with others faults
I just hate this house

sometimes
no thats wrong

I hate myself
I really do
tell me hope?
what is that youve accomplished since
a year ago
this is the year out
this time last year you came back to Sudan
afeter just a passs
and now i tihnk that pass would be ok youre in fail territory now

youre just a spider of cobwebs
everything bringing you down..

I can never understand you
God is no nice to you
and yo uare so nice to you
trust me if u were the most anyone you wuld never be happy with this personality
never

....
there are 87 days until life changes
until days become true nights
until reality becomes 2
until dreams become true
until hope becomes new
but its like....

that last day i left my room and looked at its silent bed and walls and thought
ive left you forever now /// Good bye
and I felt I had closed a  huge part of my life the one where school days nourished and I was ...was that girl who knew nothing of the future except Douglas and the Cinema...

and now in 87 days
I will look at my past life and think
ive left you forever now///Goodbye
and I dont know what i will feel before I turn away
but I should think if I dont close this chapter of my life the right way
no ivory dress will make me right .........



.....

I have 2.... so sick of myself....

 She asks me what happened to the other 1?
and I instinctively put my monster face on
 I just have 2 cuz I use both ....
and in an eerie silence where all  lie still thinking of my sharp words
I can almost hear them
...you just really know what youre doing dont you?
you know youre not that rich...
im still thinner htan you
youll never be happy..


that last thought was mine
for in the split second of unified echoes
even I knew
maybe that wasnt theright answer
maybe not speaking or just saying..i dontk now nothing would have been better

like the ambulance idea
why does it matter in all existence andhonesty and truth
what I think?

andi n the end his daughter was in Royal Care and he wasnt
dossing at home while his boss was in China
Like I thought and breached into the world

and maybe everyone is right and I am wrong
and maybe I am really a very bad person
and maybe I am the one who needs to sort myself out before using my tongue to sort others out


suddenly i realise
maybe I am like the president
got everything but really has nothing//////

The design of my life

I dream of design

simple and easy

different and exotic 

like how mangoes are in the streets of Khartoum

yellow with wisdom

smelling sexy and wild

I wish there be hope

the one inside me 

the one within my soul and heart

to make things right 

to say the right things

that never upset anyone 

but always make them feel well

for I feel like i make people feel ill

because my mind is wrong

and my heart is not strong

and the way my art is
is confusing

and my true shape
is unknown

and the graphs of soul

are hidden

I wonder if a clock made with picture frames

all different shapes and sizes and colours and

 wonderful pictures

of  M & A

of Family

of children

of smiles

of flowers

of Sudan..the sunset and sunrise over a broken down river Nile

old with destruction

new with hope

that has just moved into it

would be one way to be colourful

and intricate with new beginnings 

?

Eman 2,

Dear Eman,
Today I'm reminded of everything about you
I dont know why
maybe because its the sadness in my heart as I sit in the middle between an non intended trip
lonely as can be
feeling like this isnt my place
a big woman, and even bigger with remembering you
for maybe wecould have shared Doritos
and maybe we would have foughtover where to go
a sharp spear enters my heart
as noises surround me
and I am empty inside...
missing you and instantly thinking about a beautiful woman that certainly
isnt
me
but you
are you picking flowers.
are you riding horses?
are you sowing magic?
are you eating sweetly?

I dont know
but I know you're happy
God chose you for a better cause
and in that instant where only time meant nothing
I thought about where u are in that very moment
I was so alone in a white car

I miss u
I remember you
and I dont want you to see me like this

.....


how long is your hair now?
how sweet are your eyes?
how beautiful is your body>
certainly more elegant than mine
....


Dear sister
I try and compensste you but I really just missed you today and nothing would fill your space except tears


and even though i tried to sleep the memories in my mind brought me to an intervention at 2.42 as the whole world sleeps

you and I are ...together again

but wait why wont you hold my hand?
please dont let me go and hold my hand ?

eat with me and remind me of truth
just hold my hand
,.,,,,,

Never to falter

Come close, come by

 my dream will never run dry

even if its wet with mud, blood, or tears

my dream will be in wax seal

Sudan Fairytale is real

Come near , come run

we are under the equatorial sun

and it will melt our pain and sorrows away

and dry our  misery and make hunger fray

and then the moon will shine our night

and glisten our future with truth and might

Come here,  never fear

a new day will appear

for God is watching, and time is turning

and I pray he is mending

my soul.......

4 Dul's and a prayer 1

So much to say almost like im breathing it
so much to lose almost like im feeling it
so much to be almost like im faking it
so much to fear almost like im living it

____________
Words like are like the meanings inside me and the blood that flows free
I am free when i write
time to feel free amidst the hunted
forests dark with despair
which dark spell is this? over our land
and what white fairy will break it with a move of their wand?

________________-

Oh tell me which is the way out/
tell me how to whistle and come about
finding the Carpathia of Sudan
when will we be saved from this burning tan

____________________
70 cents to 70 pounds
is this the cost of a rich nation?
as Queen Elizabeth waited for thetrain to sail in
I wonder what she thought about ... the Greatest African Nation


Should be our airline motto
Sudan air... the greatest aAfrican nation
or is it Sudan airlines.... the greatest of Africa

and even Beyonce would use the Africa Sauna
cuz its cool and sexy and Sudanese woman are just cool and sexy
like her..
only Muslim too and happy and famous cooks, and have fingers glazed with henna
from the Dammar beauties and every thursday night
a sheep is cooked..just for family fun...just for the gathering of the family
the extended neighbours
the over joyous world
of the basket of this continent
its gotta to be perfect.........
_________________________


Love...Sudan Fairytale..

(POW)_ The Sudanese Mindset