hit . hit it all out.

paying money to be hit
I think maybe this is the way out
but then as usual I ruin it by
my ego and hard core feelings
oh no one knows anything but me
... i just hate how I think sometimes
sometimes Im large and confident
and sometimes Im small and stupid
and now Im the latter



missing that strong woman inside me
that put a steel hand and stopped the world
now im like butter feeling it around me choking and melting all at once
cant breathe out of my sins
and cant smell but dirt and fascist lies
a woman within is not the same in her outer ring
just a band of ... trauma
and now Im sad


cuz im becoming 2 persons
the one ive always dreamed to be
and the one I want to deny
a monster hope
filed with old rgrets and new guilt
everyday something new
to ponder in its blackness
sucking me to where i dont want to go

/...
sadness


and suddenly

the beat of the drum deafens the devil inside me and wakes up my aching soul

to be continued....

Never to falter

Come close, come by

 my dream will never run dry

even if its wet with mud, blood, or tears

my dream will be in wax seal

Sudan Fairytale is real

Come near , come run

we are under the equatorial sun

and it will melt our pain and sorrows away

and dry our  misery and make hunger fray

and then the moon will shine our night

and glisten our future with truth and might

Come here,  never fear

a new day will appear

for God is watching, and time is turning

and I pray he is mending

my soul.......

4 Dul's and a prayer 1

So much to say almost like im breathing it
so much to lose almost like im feeling it
so much to be almost like im faking it
so much to fear almost like im living it

____________
Words like are like the meanings inside me and the blood that flows free
I am free when i write
time to feel free amidst the hunted
forests dark with despair
which dark spell is this? over our land
and what white fairy will break it with a move of their wand?

________________-

Oh tell me which is the way out/
tell me how to whistle and come about
finding the Carpathia of Sudan
when will we be saved from this burning tan

____________________
70 cents to 70 pounds
is this the cost of a rich nation?
as Queen Elizabeth waited for thetrain to sail in
I wonder what she thought about ... the Greatest African Nation


Should be our airline motto
Sudan air... the greatest aAfrican nation
or is it Sudan airlines.... the greatest of Africa

and even Beyonce would use the Africa Sauna
cuz its cool and sexy and Sudanese woman are just cool and sexy
like her..
only Muslim too and happy and famous cooks, and have fingers glazed with henna
from the Dammar beauties and every thursday night
a sheep is cooked..just for family fun...just for the gathering of the family
the extended neighbours
the over joyous world
of the basket of this continent
its gotta to be perfect.........
_________________________


Love...Sudan Fairytale..

Sudan fairytale 1_ winter white princess

this time last year - i never thought i would be where i am today
wearing ivory a winter white tale
waiting for the snowflakes to fall in december
as i dance the tradition ive waited for all my life...
i saw it in pictures and watched it live
my eyes blazing for a try
but this time last year i never thought i could try
to be the live girl that other youngsters
try...to be
this time last year i never thought i could meet the man of my dreams
falling from heaven or breaking my own fall
i dont know but i never thought it would be
that he would find me
and i never thought i would go looking for a winter white dress
with lace and tulle and flowing armor
or ivory winter white delight
suprise i suprise my life
with winter white
I want to be right
about who i am and my choices
if i pause life i would see this is the answer to my prayers
if i turn off life and see the hidden overworld
i would see devils that ive let override me like the candy shoot
i just cant beat it
no matter how many times i play
they eat me and my desire and my happiness is their drug
they feed on me and my smile and the sun i look up to and the dreams i want
and the health i have
they carve me alive and tear me open and i let them ...win
its all in the background
their evil cascading sharp knives searing me
they wait for me then to simply
dissapoint myself
and feel the s ame that day when i got a pass and not a distinction
the same thing
yeah you danced it was ok
but it wasnt... a distinction
they wont say it but
theyll speak it with their eyes
if only you ...

ivory is winter white and i love it
the soft memories it will create and the long dress no other girl may have
i cant wait for him to see and i cant wait to make my dreams fully come true
where are my emotions and my temptations to be that girl
before i become that woman
the page is still being written and i am only sad that i close it ...unclosed
for there is so little time bfore this book reaches the end and a new one begins
and i dont want it to be like that game
try again
no i want to win if its a competition
i want to break free if its a challenge
i want to sleep at night in the arms of who i love
i want to come to him for help
i want to ask him anything
i want to lay in his arms and place my heart on his
i want to cook roast chicken with couscous... and if they dont have it in sudan
ill work with rice
for i want to modify and try to be that girl who never finds a blocked wall
I want to wear ivory and be the winter white princess
with a fairytale beginning
 Iwant to be Sudan fairytale for real
for ive always called myself that and now this is the chance to be it
the girl ive been dreaming to be not just by words
anymore
not just by words anymore

..........