i feel embarrassed

I feel embarrased from my faith
my beautiful faith and dreams
I feel embarassed that i am jealous from waht others have even though i have it!
i cannot explain but i feel embarrased from time from wonder wrong
from explicit trauma of power
and i feel embarrased that i am only getting older but i am not going forwards
 i feel embarrased that i am weak
and unable to maintain anything i desire
i can only maintain waht my soul watns
and its funny
how my soul and I
we want the same things
and yet the outstanding pictures are two totally different things

i feel embarased from you my god
from you my deen
from you my covering faith

I have lost hte world time and time again
 ihave lost time over and over throughout
i have forgotten about memories good ones
and strength living through hope and sanity
and good deeds
i have remembered only a small portion of madnessa nd wickedness
and i feel embarrsed that i am loking at life through this sad and small porthole
one without light
one without ......me

Piercing a Fantasy 2

I breathe in the khartoum air - its 7.36 pm the intermediate intervel between maghrib and isha boundaires azans getting ready to speak out for the final time - the rounding of prayers for a final day - a new day - my day - i see car lights hushing through the streets whispering stories and passing memories
i see shops opened and filled with foods yet pockets empty i smell bread packed in clear plastic bags packed for my romantic heart - dinners of fool and falafel i see colours of baklawa just upon the bridge to cross the nile - its a lightened dark of myseterious images ones hearbreaking ones heartmending - the sound car our sound car takes me where i want to go home and in it is  him - the soldier ive always asked for dreamed for - he is tired from a long day of work and yet he is prepared to save me anytime - the radio softly beats musical rythmyms i do not really know and yet i am so familiar with the echoes that blend english tunes my body likes with sudanese voices my mind hears - a strange communication with a far away submission of history present with time - he turns the stirring wheel with one hand knowledge on his mind faith in his heart - sweat on his soul - life on his street and tired eyes on his lips but he is calm and brave driving khartoum -, i can see him breathing though his shirt , he rests his hand with our wedding ring on it on his lap, brushing my life with it as he goes moves - he is a smooth escapade of love and family my family - working all day and then collecting me from a mornings contribution of extended aunts and cousins - 'did you have fun baby ?' I pull my hand out to touch his forehead , he smiles and my lips curl with happinness - 'are you tired ?' yeah i had a long day at work' ... but he takes my hena'd hand of flowers and leaves and kisses one flower and then follows a leaf with his lips my breath stops at the stoplight - his lips forming strength on my fingers, temptation everwhere elese  i want to love him forever - im going to love him forever - a big coca cola poster looks at us - tempting us to drink it cold and dark in this hot and dark evening of fallen night - 8.01pm we are close to home khartoum heart beats dissolve into me and i into him - he makes my heart shine and my fears tremble and run - ' im so full from dinner ' you liked it ? i'm glad - he stares at the red light to change and i stare at  him - I cant help it no longer - 'I love you' he hears me but he doesnt say anything --to ...................be continued

what is it that I want 2

I feel sad now that I have been writing so sadly
it may not even be writing it may just be a collection of sad words
I am only sad that I feel like this
the actual point of my memories makes no sense
just a collection of useless dreams
true dreams are way more powerful and they dont make you sad

so I am still searching
what is it that I want ?

untitled sadness

i've never been like this before
so low
so weak
so out of sync
like a broken programme
like a rusted piece of disused machinery
dying in a forgotten scrap yard in the middle of nowhere
unheard by noone
unknown to no one

Ive never been so out of line
so out of rythym
I dont even know who I am
no more
I dont even know who I am\\

Ive never felt so misunderstood
by myself
like im talking to myself in a foreign language
like ive moved into a new place i dont even know how i got to it


Ive never been so ill focused
nothing mtters to me anymore
i dont want anything anymore
i dont want to be anybody
I dont want to know anything

just my dreams and my fantasies

Ive never been so out of reality
like everything is somwhere moving on and
I am here somewhere else

Ive never been like this before
mad?
maybe
uncorrected
wild
avatar like

when i close my eyes i become the story that is exciting that is alive
but im still not the woman i want to be

ive never been like this before

ever

Hope 1

Concentration of dreams
A woman I want to become
and yet be different from

Accumulation of images
to make up a story
that reminds me of life
of real life
my life

that what i need and want can
come true

I see it
I feel it
but I don't have it ...yet


I think of the words, the eyes, the expressions, the stories, the moments, the anger , the love, the mistakes, the truth, the strength, the ideas, the little things, the big things, the want, the yearning, the fighting, the patience , the past, the future, the young, the mature, the innocent, the rain, the wind, the wilderness, the city lights, the car lights, the small streets, the beggars, the winners, the flowers, the freshly baked bread, the dinner table, the study room, the magnificence, the necklace, the tears, the time, the night , the jealousy, the plaits, the mandarines, the connection, the peace, the war, the wrong, the right, me


within me there is a woman who wants to fight, live, and never die for life
there is a woman who wants to be better, happier, stronger
there is a woman who wants to be adamant strong independant
meaningful
giving
but not like this

the chronicles are over
the series is done
the pages are turned
and the story of 6/7 years has finished

it is time for my first episode to begin
for my story to start
for my feelings and emotions to be written for my words to be said, it is time for my challenges to be lived and my clothes to be worn, for my mornings to be woken and my nights to be flawless, it is time for my days to be told and my drama to be heard, it is time for my eyes to glisten and my hair to shine, my heart to beat and my soul to listen, it is time for my fears to be hidden, and my patience to be given , time for my story to be told.

but every story has a title
and my title is

HOPE.

what is it that i want 1

I ask myself what is it that i want
and i realise i do not know
but more importantly I know
what i DONT
want

and i think to myself
this is what i thought i wanted for so long
and when i saw it in front of me
i realised i felt nauseated with such existence
i realised this is not my existence
i realised this is not what i want
i realised i felt shallow
and superficial
and there was more to me
than what i ever thought


there is more to me than what i ever thought
anad i thought what is right?
what is wrong

wont my ears and eyes know
how come i dont know

I thought

this is wrong
and what makes me feel right is my faith
and my strength comes from within
and my memories
are all strong if faith is involved

but hten i tihnk
i know i want love
but i only know the iceberg
i only know the tip
and ii dont know anything at all


I dont know anything at all

and then i tihnk

maybe that is ok
in fact this is what i want
not to know anything at all

I never usually_43 back to the start

I have so much to say to you 

but I feel

i feel like all the words in the world won't be enough to describe even a little bit of how much i love you