Dear hope,

The time has gone and you are still unfair to yourself
your time unmanaged
your body unfixed
and your heart ... unmended
you are still unable to comprehend the beauty of a cold silent day
like now
just yourself
and most miserably
you are unable to feel the delicacy of taking a big and wise decision


like
digging out your 24 hours from the rubbish bin
or picking up your fallen brain cells from the ground
or
understanding the truth within you
or
becoming someone you can be proud of


for the clicks of this fading laptop
make it a newly coming memory
tomorow you may pick up a new thing
a new piece of you
and when you take it home
what will it think of you?
what will it hope for you
and will it be filled with?

hope
wishful thinking ?
will you disappoint ?
as usual




I urge you to sit in this beautiful silence and just think



just ....think

she dreamt of a devil...

where is this road im so desperate to walk on
never quitting to find ...but the severity slopes
is it a high road? a long road? a wide road? or a road that doesnt exist?
im looking for the road where i am happy, sure of myself, proud, strong, innocent, pure, kind
yes on wither side there are flowers and plants and high trees covering me from wrong existence or worse.. useless time
this road has meaning - the one im searching for
has smooth black surfaces with clear directions where to go
stop signs to pray on time and hotel signs to sleep right and eat healthy
it has all the right speeds and all the right directions to take you exactly where you want to go
which is heaven
yes I want to go to heaven
looking for the road to take me
since im certain im certainly not on the right track
she dreamt her daughter and she saw a devil
my mind leaks to a scarier image..
I am the .. one they fear

not being dramatic but my mind asks the questions
have my actions been any less than a devils drive?
have they been any better than a devils promise?
what am i? but the follower of something tragic
 the details of something pathetic
I must be better
have things that others dont have
i must talk about being better
and act about being better
never genuine about being better


god its sooooo strange
how beautiful a woman I was just a short while ago
a second ago, a year ago
memories of robbers, of drunks, and of possible bombers!

but there were also memories of yaseen every morning before the train
the olympics being on and the queen coming to visit... and I forgetting the fireworks and just praying to Allah
he was my fireworks

was it all about nothing?
was it just a dream?
can I really not be a good person if Im not in the place im not in?

must I always be waiting for a different place
to achieve the truth?
I wonder how close that devil is to me?
that she saw in her dreaM?
sometimes I think it was mine and got bored of me
went to play with the minds of others

for I feel so held back
so lost
so tormented by inability to achieve
to love Allah the right way
to be comfortable with who i am
to adore what i have achieved
and to pray to acheive better
to be content with what i have
to want more only on what is on the road to heaven
want more of prayer, tasbeeh, love, honesty, patience, study, honour and
sweetness

I have lost the touch of sensuality
that woman praying so beautifully in a UK star night
from a small apartment
and the Queen so near...
that girl ...
is burning into ash


 

insane without God

sick of saying the same thing
and never meaning anything
sick of being someone I dont want to be
looking at the same old me
useless and confused
and unable to remember like my brains been abused
sick of feeling like a tormented crowded soul
in my own land i have lost battle of control
sick of waking up each and everyday
as if theres nothing more today
just the same big cracks
and the exact same tastes
and the identical hastes to time
sick of bleeding all my self
and becoming someone Im allergic to
and have no connection to
and have no relation to at all

yes Im living with myself and dont know
anything about
am sharing the same soul and dont know
what time it comes in at night
and what its doing
no I have no clue and its all behind my back
a secretive clever attack... really

sick of the woman ive become
a tarnished thing just gone
nowhere can I feel, see, hear , or understand who I am
sick of the blunt body I have
and the sharp eyes that scrape
and the irritation inside me
that breaks... shadows into two
and reflections into 4
each one driven to a direction
as far away from the centre as possible

sick of the stretch of time im in
always leaving things without an end
just stupid enough to think ill blend
behind someone theyll let me in

and until then Ill be gutting out my words against
them all
for im the best and they all fall

and the monster inside me will point and laugh
ha! im the best one around and your all just a draft
of a devils catch

but the truth is im the devils fish
for dinner
smelling rotten but herbed with garlic and thyme
and ill be eaten like a beautiful rhyme
flavoured into insanity
for insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results

and so I must be insane

sick of being insane............

I want to be ....POW

I want to be an unique extra ordinary woman

As soon as you notice any unhelpful or negative thought, ask:

What actions are likely to follow from this thought?
Is that what you want? If not...
What do you really want?
What can you say to yourself that's more likely to get you what you want?
 

Long lost dream 3

no more heartbreak

no more pain

no more destruction

and words in vain

i no longer run but stay here like a queen

i no longer fight except fight for whats right

No more words of sadnessa nd waste of time

no more giving up what is truly mine

no more anger no more despair

just health and healthy repair

no more anguish of good old dreams

just the future of a beautiful day

a new day

a day where i pass

a day where i pass life

and eternity

no more facebook

no more retiring in the worst part of me 

no more of invisibility

i leave you behind the ugly in me

and take a new step on a new train

.......one that i missed... along time ago/......

A long lost dream 2

Today I was reminded of an old dream. One that may have  started my writing . The reason I wrote a poem or the reason i felt loving emotions. The reason I am here today writing liket his was all this dream that started a long time ago... I still remember the notebooks , the scenes going on in my mind... the flavour of them. they were beautiful to me... they meant everything to me...and suddenly it started dissappearing I changed
I did not deserve the beautiful dream  anymore
it did not light within me anymore slowly and slowly it removed itself until i no longer ached for it instead new things came to mind and the beauty of my dream died

and today i met a woman who reminded me of the old me the one ive been searching for that part of me that hid after my old dream parted I was reminded why i had that dream i said it i once used to dream ............and I felt lost in space almost taken back to a moment when everything was right simple and elegant again

and it made me think
what really iis my favourite love story?

A long lost dream 1

I have tremendous courage
I have no fear but from God
but this is because im prepared for the expected
and for the unexpected
I feel dangerously reminded
I feel I have done explosively wrong
but God forgives
and not believing that is a sin
I am tired of being explosive
I desire to be .....a long lost dream

I am a beautiful woman
I agree with body and language and
have a confidence that is pure and elegant
sometimes funny and proud
but certainly strong


I am a strong woman


I am a great woman
one who deserves the best


I always ask myself

what is my favourite love story?
The notebook?
Asi and Demir
The sultan and Hoyam?
Ibrahim and Khadija
Tristan & Isolde?
Jalil aldeen and Jodha Akbar?
Bond?
A sudanese wedding?
Sila & jowdat?
Penelope
Lesley & Scott?
havana nights?
Brian and Mia
Waleed and Laila
Babi Y Hache
this random italian series
and many many many more

I stop and try and remember all the hours Ive spent watching love
extracting what I want
what i think

now that is love
I want this
I want to feel that

but wait a minute
I dont know how it feels
and wait a minute

I still havent answered the question
what is my favourite love story?



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