so in love with myself....

I hope you have gotten sufficiently tired of hitting the snooze button; I know that what you need or need to activate in yourself will appear; I pray that your awakening comes with ease and grace, and stamina when the going gets hard. To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.

I am bedezzled -
words rattle me , and grammar perfuses me, thoughts linger and breaths whisper
I wonder why ive wandered for so long
so out of...touch
so out of ,.,tune
so... into the blue

and yet its true
that i am the greatest there could be
all my self and everything within me is begging to be loved by...


me

all that I am
looks at me like a baby waiting to be loved
and nourished
and never forgotten


all that  Iam

my heart and soul
and everything everything inside me and outside me
asks me


why are you doing this to yourself?

worrying about things that do not matter

and instead forgetting things that do
like how to love you
how to think about words and make sense of them again


whatever happened to feeling pretty
wanting pretty
being pretty
inside and ...out

full stop. I say full stop
thats a stop filled with ...well the main emotion ive never managed to conquer is
dissapointment inside me
angry at myself for not having achieved things i should have
angry
at myself
clinging on to that past
angry
angry
angry

and yet

i just realised the more i do that
the more i will.... be dissapointed
and never move on
like tracks that are broken
i will never move forward
and no matter how that dissapointment is real or not
it will not change anything
the same as worrying about jasmine being first


it wont
change
anything
in fact


Allah will test you harder

but i promised myself i will not think of Allah that way


dissapointment
i dont like myself
i dont aprreciate what i am and how smart or funny or pretty or kind or sweet or apologetic
or thoughtful or kind I am


its true im also mean and rude, and sharp and bitter and cruel and unkind sometimes and loud and rough and un feminine


 but
i want to change
and i want to forigve mysself
and move one
i want to get on a single journey and never come back to the bad in me
i want to look out the window and see the sea
see the wind and the blowing trees
concentrate on the shuffling music of leaves
and the silent calm of the night
i want to see the fireworks and let the tall ships of healing enter my heart


I want to be revived
everytime i sit in neros or costas i want a piece back of me
i want to write him a card
and win a piece back of me

i want to be portalled into a beautiful space of forgiveness
and love



so here is my unconditional love to myself:

Ya Hope, I love you and all that you are , all that youve done, wrong or right, i love you because you are precious to me and im sorry i have neglected you. yes, I have neglected you- I have stopped to think about your needs and desires, i have stopped to think about how to make you pretty or prettier
I have looked back on days we spent together - you and i when you supported me , never taking any medicines never needing any thing but you and i , you helped me learn and pass, and win and get there. you helped me have fun, and care and you filled me with emotion and you taught me that. I learnt love first with you. me. but then i forgot you put you in a shelf and never looked back never came to clean you and worst like iwth the quran , atl east we open that once a year. you, i left you for dust and sunsrises and sunsets to cling on to your raw tears. i wasnt there. to listen, to hold or to cherish. and so you started to wither. slowly first,... then rapidly, you lost your beliefs, you lost your kindness, your patience, your vivid smartness. you lost your motivation, your challenges and most of all you lost me. IM sorry hope. i hope you forgive me , here I am, cleaning you , reminiscing on whether you will ever forgive me. I know years have passed liked this but i am the lover who doesnt want to go away, doesnt watn to lie, only wants to be forgiven. I need you. your sanity, your flavour, your structure, and your magical feelings that make me...real and yet intimate. make me glow.