Sunday, November 7, 2010

untitled double dreams

i have a lot to say
nothing to do with the picture as such but everything to do with my dreams and my sadness, my love and despair
I could never see myself be in a position so lost, so down
I dont know how to get up
or is it i dont want to get up?
I dont know
all i know
is that I feel alone
with double doubt
double ugliness
double disaster
double breakdown
double fears

and all my beauty
all the beautiful parts within me
are being shattered
and withered
like broken flowers
broken times

I feel like I am a double
for a part of me is always angry
is always sad

and a part of me wants to smile and forget

all these questions turn in my head
i cant get them to stop turning in my head

its like an ungoing tornado
a lifeless form of spinning evolution

I cant stop thinking about things that have happened
things that are happening
why are they happening
should they happen
can i stop them
am i allowed to stop them
can i stay queit for the rest of my life
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What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -