Unsettling

Death is always unsettling 

Always moving

That time u lose someone near or far

Im sure

Ur heart skips a beat

U think 

Oh no 

That was the last time

And it simply hurts

U hurt for the loss

The empty space

U hurt for the sadnessthat they have to endure

The good and the bad memories 

The short and the long

U have to endure time and moments where u have to be alone

In important memories

U have to endure all the disorgznisAtion

The bad news

The tears

The everything

And then... 

Youhurt for being selfish

For all the times u were jealous

For all the time u were mean

Or all those times u were broke

U wish u tried

U wish u cared more

U wish u did things better

U wish u remembered the last time

Or the last fate

Or the last smile

Or even that last push

Theres always a last time for everything

And i just hope all my negatives are done

Always wrong

If u just shut ur mouth 

U didnt hear

اتقي شر الزول ده 

اصلا انتي اتاريك ضعيفة 

ما مرغوبة قريهة 

قايلة نفسك زول وانتي ما زول 

امشي شوفي حاجة تعمليها 

امشي شوفي زول تقنيعه 

امشي شوفي زول توريه كيف بتعملي

كل من لسانك كل من كلامك

كل من قهرك لي نفسك

عشان كد بتخلي الناس اقهروك

كل من كل شيء

عدم الاحساس

عدم التوازن 

عدم الاحساس

كل غلط

كل غلط

كل غلط

كل بطال

كل شين فيك

كل شين فيك

انت انسانة قهرة 

انت انسانة اليمة

The suprising girl

Its so strange

This smart girl

Talented smart even flirty and yet

The black consumes her

I cant understand why

Why couldnt she be white or even grey

Why black and just making me wonder

What the hell does she look like 

Should i ask? To see her

Should i ask her why is that part of your brainnot smart like the rest of u

Or isit me

Im too open

Too stupid to realise and accept 

Herchoices

Maybe cuz she doesnt have to worry what pple think of her

It up to them to imagine

Not up her to help them

I can just guess the relief of no uses to anythinno makeup no perfume no nice headacarfs no nice clothes

No nothing

Just black

And then i wonder of he did like her

What it would be

Would it be not applicable

Or a womens all wedding

Hes too cool for that 

With too many friends

But they flirt! 

Why is she talkative and pictures herself and even a selfie!

Now thishas to stop

For The mind cannot understand

Its either black or nothing

Or no black with everything 

اليوم الاسود

انت لا تعلم يا حبيبي كيف انا احبك

مثل الموج البحب الهواء بيضمر الارض والحياء ليرقص مع العاصفة

ومثل ما يحب الوحوش ابناءها ولكن تسبب نزيف ابناء الاخرين

فهذا الوحش مثلي

لا يفكر في مدي جرحه لك وللاخرين 

فانا هنا اتمنا سماع صوتك ان كان خير ام شر

واتمنا رفضك او حتا اهانتك او حتا عدم مشاعرك 

سوف استحمل يوم او اثنين

سوف استحمل الا ان ترجع تحبني مرة ثانية

فانا الان افهم مدي قرهك لي

افهم مدي صبرك

فخليني انا شوية اتصبر 

وخليني انا شوية اقره كل شيء 

وخليني انا ايضا اندم 

وحتا اتراجع

وخليني اكون مثلك صارمة

و خليني اكون مثلك ما واضحة واتاخر

ولاارد ولا اهتم بي قلقي 

انا لا اهتم بي قلقي اذا انت لا تهتم 

ولا اهتم بيدمعي اذا انت با تشوفهمولا اهتم بي كلللللللللل الكلمات الكتبتها لك اذا انت لا تقراهم 

بل فقت لبني بدون سلام ....

taxes

its sad
life is sad
i am sad
that things are so complicated when they shouldnt be
and I understand the issues but i have no answer
like how a young laptops a is not working
and how there is so much pain in one heart
and how one may feel against someone
although that person is really kind and sweet
and now everyone thinks theyre bad
like those movies and series
where people dont find out the truth until the very end
I want to defend everyone
but i cant
and the result
from the best I love you to the worst good night
I hate it
and i dont even know whos fault it is
but i guess its mine
I guess it mine
for i was told
not to defend
and that they can defend themselves
am always ruining things
am always breaking things
am always
being stupid with glass
and forgetting that even the most beautiful glass
can
slit open a throat bleed
and  a simple 100 hundred pounds
can become the nightmare you didnt ask for
and travel of people you love can be so crucyfing
you miss them so much
and anger can be dreadful
and loss of agreement can break old agreements
and everything can defragment
just defragment
and all those words you used
can be like burning inside you
and then everything turns queit
not the quiet you imagined
no this is a negative night
but i didnt see it coming
no in the car everything was glamorous and kind and cool
but emotions are destructive
I felt the twinge the moment i made bad judgement
bad judgement
isnt that the falling
isnt that the crime
that i have to pay for ?

It angers me

It angers me

The shit treatment

It angers me

The crap i see

It angers me

The frustration in this house

It angers me

The denial like mountains

It angers me

The imbalance of things

It angers me

The disgust of words

It angers me

The business of people in others

It angers me that business like a-scorpion

It angers me

The hate all around

It angers me

The ill fair treatment

And it angers me all

That i just cant do anything about it 

push up ...its january

whats wrong with me/? oh whats wrong me
all the excuses , all the drama, all the pain inside me
and for what?
nothing
here I am in  beautiful balcony
a locked up princess or a free woman of the future
my mind is clogged
with sleepiness
with laziness
with fer
what makes me different from all those famous people
whats wrong
why cant i push myself to do anything
why cant i believe to be better
why cant i notice whats happening and wake up to my truth
why cant i do this
if life was a day
what would be the most important thing?
are you just waiting or something
do you think one day your life will fix itself to whtever you desire
do you think one day it will all be different
what if you got the good news
now that is a real dream coming true
that free gift from Allah
are you feeling better?
i hope so
but dont forget the pain of a night broken
or 2 steps back
or a month of waiting with failure at the end
the only difference between a bad day and a good day is yor attitude
this is a good motto
for here i am on a day off with electricity and good food a good man my man and a new tea tray with heart shaped biscuits and a purple laptop with a pink quran and also 8 new plants in navy coloured vases fresh  and divine with azera coffee , probably the only ones on this earth and a clean home, with oven cooked sausages and a health and healthy family and internet that works and money to have to give and womens magazines to have and to give and a new fountain in the process and even icecream and eyes to see across and ears to hear the syrian music downstairs and fan to break the heat and move the wind to calm me and a yoga mat and and and
yet i feel sad
the truth is this is mddening and saddening and devestating
and on the first month of the year should just stop
i firstly am uncomparable
yes im a mess and am lost
and am weak and am tired
but am uncomparable
i am tarnished but i am not broken
i am dirty but i am not uncleanable
i am noisy but i am not unabel to queten it all

sanoya albanoya was cute to hug
i loved hugging her
when i have children i will love hugging them
and it is all a treasure like today

she had long hair and white skin and a crooked beautiful smile and looked like tuba that beautiful turkish actor and was super thin but had no life to live
i have life to live and i want to live it
with all its pleausures and pains but wit a good attitude
and i have memories to make
and hapiness to give and new earnings to take and strengths to feel
i am the same age as youth
i am the same age as love
i am the same age as trust
i am the same age as confidence and purity
and i will not let myself down