Stem cells for morning

There's no one round here as lucky as me in this moment in time
I ponder on my existence and remember how simply... lucky I am
for is Tuesday morning and my office even if temporary, even if for a day is beginning to look like elegance
and fact is
this is my first office and I will treasure it
even if for a day, even if for a week, even if for a year
I ask myself fighting in the morning is a real battle
but azera in a lip cup is a nice difference
and a good man is a great difference
but here I am ... oblivious to the fact
mornings are a nightmare

and then the worry kicks in
ohh dear

stem cells
I wish I could plant new stem cells in my mind to help me wake up t 6 each morning and do yoga and be nice

That cream smell...

I love the silence

I love how theres no one here

I love the quiet of the madness and i love me soaking in the haven of a peaceful home

I love the attitude of a healing place

The solitude that it collects from our misery in order to try build itself

I love the shaking of flowers

And brightness of just before dark

I love existing

I love existing here

I dont think i ever saw her cry

No i never saw her cry

I mever saw tears run down her face

I only saw smiles

I only saw now what i never saw then

I miss myself 

I miss myself

I miss the innocence the kindness

The woman i want and need to be imiss the strength

The good troubles

I miss sitting down enjoying the good weather

I miss this really great weather

I miss the pain of being right

And the strength of holding in whats wrong

I miss trying

I miss trying my best

I miss living for me and living for us andliving  for things that are wonderful

Like a good life one that youve worked hard for

Ive been sort of dead whilst living

Life after sanaa 7

Its strange how simple things can make u grieve and other simple things can make u happy

Like remembering how another sanaa danced on her wedding day her lifer hers and her name yours and i thought that day i hope to see u in her place and that will never come true

And it saddens me thus everytime i go to a wedding that ur name isnt around to wed

And yet my heart smiles at the joy of a friday sweet afternoon the peace of the house on a background of tv playing and the yards queitly humming to missing u the plants swaying and the air breathing hello to a new day 

And here i am on christmas day having had a good meal and a good cup of tea with good health and mind and family and tv watching coraline

Feeling happy

Really happy

That my life is jealously perfect 

silence

“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.”
― Norton Juster,

What about the noise after someone close to you like a young 14 year old girl dies , and inside yu ask yourself is it true? what did her face look like again? what were her last words to me, her last touch, her last thoughts of me>? did she like me/? as a person, as a sister? as a friend>? or just someone she used to know....

now will never know ...and that is a silence true

what about the silence inside you that you cannot make go away its so loud
you cant stop turning with the mess here and there and everywhere
like a collection of breaking glass or is it a whilwind of mistrust between you and you
what about that silence that nothing has been done and nothing has been fixed and nothing has been created and nothing has been understood

what about that silence when you think what is the other person thinking of me and badly you know exactly what it is  its loud their silence and hteir unspoken words
and theire true their loud unspoken words
of you

yadooob garat!!!


i hate the words that come ut of me sometimes a sequestrum of my laziness
a fragment of my broken soul
a kite of my lost freedom
for i really am locked up somewhere


what about the silence when they tell you.... sorry you didnt pass , or it was just a pass
what about hte silence when its negative
what about the silence when you just dont know what to do and who you are anymore



what about all that negative silence ?

Good song ...

strangely .. i have no idea what song i wrote this for ...


remains to be a mystery

Love the feeling when you catch up on a good song
but life isnt always fulfilled you forget
that someone is asking for your help
telling you and telling you that they need you
and what do you do
pretend its ok
pretend its nothing
until it blows up

its a really good feeling to hear a song that you just heard for the second time
every one of us hears a song for the first time

but I also forget people that need me and care about me
cuz of my unfair laziness

I used to be lazy
now im lazy and mean
and unproven
im stuck

its a really nice feeling when you click on a song you know it will be good
remind you of a city lighted and a video on Mtv while life creates new memories
the cold breathing around you and yet you are heated to the core through....with faith
and entity
a song that compares strength with that romantic sensuality
elegance but sexiness at the same time
movement in rythym like walking without falling
spells of music make you fall into place

but you forget someone
something
somehow that is more important
you forget a lot of things
and thus your realm is weak
ready to falll apart
ready to break open
and flood with badness

lets face it.............you are a bad woman

120

Ive come to a decision
that things have got to change
I'm sick of being the same
sick of being wrong
so tired of thinking of other peoples mistakes
and making myself feel that im better than them
L'm not - im just as worse
in my own way
and im aching
in body and mind


wow
im aching
deep within my soul
straight through my system
far out of my mind

like brazils 7
am so out of reach
unsustainable with strength
and utter weakness and madness becomes me
 breaking within life
the show must go on
but im losing every minute

every second hurts
every second am out of control
and its all my fault

underprepared
or dont want to be prepared
feeling mad at myself for doing this

suddenly 109
Suddenly stuck
suddenly gorging with misery that i just cant get lower
suddenly being told what to do instead of asking what to do
suddenl so dehydrated i can feel it in my veins
suddenly thinking about will it when it
suddenly tormeted by grief at the loss of sanaa
and yet tormeted more at the thought i didnt do enough for her pray for her ask for her
be wit her have a sister relationship with her
tormented at things i didnt do couldnt do cant do wont do
tormented at being who i am
me

hi there.. who are yOU?

Being a bitch
Being lazy
being a pain o others and myself
being like a fist
being sore to my soul
being lost
being weak
being dehydtrated
being unhealthy
being a liar
being undevoted
being stupid
being lost for words
being abused by me
being tremendously undetermined
being underappreciated
being lost for concentration
being not the woman i used to be or ever the woman i want to be or ever the kind of person i saw myself becoming