except a fan...

There comes a time when I look at yello flowers from my window a fan queitly blowing air - the hum reminds me of the sudanese glisten of mid afternoon stillness - except...their fans are a long way away from 15.45 pm afternoon above the equator ..and yet we all live the same times and breathe the same oxygen doenst matter if its hot or cold - its all one day and the same day at that and yet we all feel diferent and we all want to be different and have different meanings and so i wonder where I am and where is mym eaning for i knw ive lost all meaning and yet the butterflies trapped in my sight show me there is always meaning to the world and ther is always god to give you meaning There comes a time where i regret regrettng and i regret every part of me that is dark bitter and tempted to always look and always feel and yet i want to feel and I want to be but the eye will tell what she didnt want to see ... the woman who never was - i wonder where my emotions are and I realise theyve always been here I jsut stopped using them i wonder where my strength is I realise its always inside me I just forgot abuot it convincing myself that I am weak and thus can nly deserve a weak life life will go on whether I am happy or sad and I dont want to live a life that is ..sad and regret it I want to live it to the full and so i chose a man who knows how to live he is my palace and my royalty and i want to be a queen with him

what is wrong with me?

Feeling down cuz hes not around I missed his call and im missing all the inspiration of a faithful ramadan feeling dirty now like im an outcast am I really doing a right fast? the last ramadan where I will be like this single and alone and ...far away from home I am far away from Allah and his glory I dont know when ill stop this madness and look at myself correct thinking about all thats wrong insttead of all thatas perfect I am a strange charachter simple things worry me and great things dont effect me isnt it great to worry aobut being faithless on the first friday of ramadan the last ramadan ill be like this//// I feel...empty and untrusting of everything Ya allah help me feel better and stronger Ya allah let me change my ways and become the better woman the one with a more drastic cut off and happy beginning

thoughts in 4t4

Here I am... in a different place and the ability to write once more - suddenly writing becomes a gift and I cherish the moments i have - for a while i decide to stay forever but then i realise my forever was never meant to be here....
it annoys me how much time ive wasted in little things, like always imagining the worst - its sunny its bright, its easy, and I always always have a chance to breathe -
anyway
here I am ..with a  big black dog near me that i dont like but have no choice but sit near...
I ask myself - do I have the same blackness sitting on my soul?
maybe...
the sun shines today and i walk and walk and walk until i reach a place originally i was meant to go but then was told i didnt have to and then was told i had to



yes Ramadan is near .... the battery of the year
and my charger is just lost and i am not ready to plug my life in
i havnt even gone searching for it the charger
my God
what am I doing to myself ?

6 down, 1 to go

I'm angry with myself at being so cold
and far away from the woman who should be so close
I'm desperate for a lief change , maybe this new adventure
will be a new response to the tiredness inside me
for I will live like a... a challenge
hidden in the countryside and working hard
spiritually, bodily, academically and beauty
but none of it will work if I am not ready
right now I feel like just another old day
...although these are special days
I am forcing them to become nothing
spending hours like dead flowers
just throwing them away

I made a friend today unlike the other
this woman is amazing
kind at heart
and spiritual
i admire her hard work and dedication to islam
and I also admire her strength and power to keep at it
although others let go a long time ago
.... she thought she would just die
its a term for saying she was really tired
but she still went unlike me I
just ...slept
and felt ...useless
anyway its too late saying anything now
im at the end
and im at the finish line
i will win inshallah no matter what but i will also
only make it harder for myself...one day
other days
however

this is the time to prove good things
i will go and be hidden and i will make this time like....
a quest to succeed
for its just me

no oone else can make me
do something i dont want to

and i dont want to be like who I am now
so why am I then like the way I am now?

the quest for jewels is over.... the quest for life has begun

Is it that im addicted to the game or im just so empty the game has filled me
after days wof unintentional madness simply my time being stolen away
i decide to ..erase this damn thing for i am a person of imbalance
either its all or nothing
and i decide this has to be nothing
for it is

a worthless part of my existence
nothing it could do but waste my time and ruin my eyes and fail my life
an F -  but i reached level 167!
imagine reaching level 167 in heaven now isnt that a real game to win
imagine reading 167 useful books
memorising 167 ayas from the quran
imagine losing 167 pounds
prob way too much than i need
imagining to listening to 167 good songs
imagine scanning 167 pages that you need to
imagine saying alhamdulilah, allahu akbar, la ilaha ila allah, istagfurallah, subhan allah
167times
imagine saying i love you 167 times to the man you love
imagine writing 167 memorable things
imagine staying off facebook 167 days

God im tired
that means im so sad and angry at myself
and i want to pull this rope around my running life, stop chasing it and bring it back to me
because after all i do own it here on earth after you
ya rab
i own my life and not jewel quest
my quest should be for you
and not for getting to the next level before time is up
im amazed how i get a thrill that i have to win before time runs out
what am i doing in my own life/
where is my time bar ? at
it could be anywhere
i dont know
and im not even playing
HOPE
where are you |HOPE!!

7 down, 2 to go

with one thing he says, he makes my heart beat  again and
my lips tremble again and my eyes scream again for his touch
waiting all day , for him to say...something to make
me trigger my life and love and for him
something in his voice makes me instantly admire my choice
and want to leave everything and be with him forever
I ask myself - how can I make him see that he's the one for me/
i guess with good options and a sweet heart
the one i used to have
but why have i gone so bitter?
could i really have let people eat me like that
and tear me like that until
all goodness inside me is ..optional
and not mandatory
i ask myself
his voice is the reason i go on
the way he drives me crazy and i want to be his baby
always
african soldier i think he is
tall and strong and yet kind and sweet
I feel god answered my prayers even though i didnt know what they were
 but i remember thinking this is my prayer coming true
and i had no fear or doubt or faltering for i just knew things were
......perfect
and they still are even if parts within me need to be superglued
for i feel so behind in myself
and my wealth
and my treasures
and insanity
my yough
i feel older than i should be
and i feel younger than my age
my... pinpoint is off
and i must find it again
so i can gain
all and everything God wanted me to have
i call this year
the year of treasures and gifts
for since it started ive only recieved gifts
and i think again
either god is wrong in giving them to you
or you turned out to be not like you should
a master of faith and a beautiful muslim woman
where are you hope?
at least this repaying time i feel solid again even though
im weak
i feel solid a little bit
i should try to do things that make me solid

6 down , 3 to go

ya allah

forgive me for ive let my gaurd down
i want to repay what ive taken without allowance
and i want to ask your forgiveness
can you pay me it for free?
its so expensive please let me afford your forgiveness
ya allah
i ask your remedy and your help
please help me pay off my debt
not because i have to but because i want to
because i want to offer you waht is rightfully yours
not even as a voluntary offering
ya rab
im so behind in my prayers
and my existence with you
i dont feel proud of myself
and icertainly ddont feel beautiful
i feel large and empty
i feel weak and never strong
i feel so indifferent with my steps and who i am
i feel challenged my simple things
like...doing something important such as 3 to go
and i feel yet a little proud that ive finally done something
so hard that should be so easy such as .... start remotely to fix my life
except im jealous of what i dont know
and i know jealousy is an awful thing
strangely
im jealous of my own life!
i dont know how i think anymore
i just know im tired
which  i know means im falling apart and i need saving by you my god