untitled realisation

untitled realisation that i am on the wrong train doing the right thing
no matter what i do i will get to the wrong destination
and i will reach the wrong place
the place i dont want to be in
and i will say


but..... this is not what i bought?

and it will be said

but dont you remember .... you changed your direction a long time ago


untitled realisation that i am expecting that i deserve lower
why dont i think that i deserve higher/?

untitled realisation that i am the one he chose to be here today
and i am the hope he gave life to
and i am the hope he made muslim
and i am hte hope that faith got installed into
and i am the hope that is working

untitled realisation that i have been malfunctioning
unrepaird
broken down

i have been excarebated into believing there is ....nothing
but there is something
there is always something
there is always something

and there is something that i want more than anything more than anything

i want this something
that im going to get to fill my heart more and more each day
that i want to live for so i can die for each day
that i m going to smile for each moment
and that im going be in hope for each time

30 sec left

am i winning or am i losing?
am i sore or am i in score
am i the same or have i changed
am i alright or am I............

not

is the result not the same

is the time waste not equal

are the emotions not still wrong

dont i feel angry just the same

am i not sad today like i was back a while

a inot still in the same place

botom point is

am  i not still in the same place?

3.21pm
it was 9 am a second ago

ltj, s, wuws

unlike those beautiful letters at the start of surahs the quran
myletters only mean rubbish
my letters only mean destruction
 my letters only mean pain

 let me ask you something

if you had 30 seconds left in your life
what would you do?


 woud.......spend it screaming please give me more time
or
crying ...please dont send me to hell


or

just shut up. silence


let me ask you somethng

if you had 30 seconds to live whatwould facebook mean to you?

everything?
nothing?
a useless something that becomes meaningless

if u had 30 seconds to live

morning ideas

There is a battle going on and even though Iwant to win it in a day I know i cannot but I know that I can win this battle so I need patience virtue honesty and pride good judgement and strength

Dear God, please give me the 


strength to wake up
strength to stay on
strength to recover
strength to not feel humiliated
strength to not want what you do not have so much
strength for health
strength to study
strength to fall in love ...............

yeah but you needto work at it too
you need to work at it
and think of it as your project

now one year ago did u think you wouldbe here ///..no
and now youre here you are taking it fr granted

Iam not asking you to forget anything Im asking you to remember

can you not have it all?
Do you not want it all?

..............Do they not deserve better?

Does she not deserve better .....from you

african love

I...want to make my own love

I want to feel my own pain and pleasure and not someone elses

like I have been manufactured for a devils smile

I ...want to wait for my own story

 and not make up a crazy sensation just to feel right

No, I want to be the one for someone

the right of someones fight

the trouble to make a mans heart wobble

and the sky to cover his soul

I am sick of crying and feeling down

simply becasue I am too small for my dreams

and so I dream others

I close my eyes and dream of others

No, i want to be my own smile and laughter and lovely tears

I want to be my own life, and someones wife

that I deserve and he deserves and we are one

I miss writing clean

I miss writing this crazy diary of wishes and commands

silliness and real knife thoughts

that have cut me with their pain

and bled me with their insanity to survive

like a tumor of love

a cancer of emotion

a growth of feelings

I cannot control

I cannot live with

I cannot stop

unless I treat

and treating it is gona make me tired

and sick and fatigued

disproportionate euphoria

interesting

sometimes I am insanely happy with a small feeling

hope, adrenaline, power, strength youth, words, cells , beats and melody

other times I am insanely down with many

doubt, fear, guilt, weakness, desire, impatience, jealousy, failure , destruction, shortage and intensity to love

i have this crazy intensty to love I dont even know what i want or what love means to me but I know i have an intense madness within me that i want to calm down , ever so it flares with blazes of passion and attraction

I want you to be attracted to me

not just because I am beautiful

but because if you looked deep enough you would see a woman of deep fear to love her forever

you see, my idea of love is lacking

and yet it is complete

I know

that I do not know what i want but I know how i want to feel

like I've met you before

like I've held your hand before

like we were made for each other

i have this powerful urge to deny torment inside me

the more i hide from it the more i leave it consume me and have me

and the harder it is to stop

I have this maddening intesity to let my hair down somewhere in khartoum nights, the heat anticipating my desire to kiss you and the black sky ready to cover our stains of aching need

yeah, see all i want is to find a hot, silent, unused earth in downtown, broken khartoum and make it unique by looking into your eyes and knowing.....

this is where we should be ...together

and we make the worst things better

and we make the hardest things easier

and we make the hottest things hotter

and this love is forever and this love is never

going to die

16-60.5

another weekend , another week, another time, another crime, another , crime of waste of time......

but this time
this time
everything was different
I could do something I couldn't do for a long time and  I felt
like i was holding on
even though
 I am tired even though I am weak
I feel


able to communicate wit h the most difficult and unaccesible part of me

my soul

i feel for the first time in a long time

I have the upper hand
and i am not pushed to the ground
I feel like I have won a batle
def not the war...yet
but I feel ....like I have definitely won a battle

and I feel proud
I feel strong.....er
not strong

no im still diong wrong

but I feel weak.,...less
and meaning...ful
and a....ble
to do something harder


I feel like listening to music
like waking up early
like feeling hungry
like feeling energetically tired
like being forgiven
i feel like being forgiven
like being amazing
today I feel like being amazing
and powerfull
yes
I want to be powerful today
and


I want to be
Insanely beautiful......

Zalamtu

Zalamtu and with it zalamta nafsi
as I sat there i thought if it wasnt for him
I Would not be here
happy and filled and able to go and do anything i want
able to pass

Zalamtu and so God showed me
there is only a limited time
you may think itslong no way youll be late
but trust me


you can be late
and there comes apoint where u realise you really do want it to fall in Gods power to do anything he wants to do
and there comes ap oint where you really do want to stop thinking and working and letting God do all the work

but God helped me today and he showed me a better  way
and for that I will repay myself and him

Y a Rab ana zalamtu and I promise I will never again
Y a Rab ana zalamtu and I dont want to be that girl again
Y a Rab please never let me azlim nafsi , Ya rab


I am sorry

piercing a fantasy 1

Interesting....have you ever realised that you were actually very similiar to somebody you laughed at...... once before , to somebody you thought is different from you but suddenly it clicks
and you see
that some things
are just quite the same.....


but thats not what I want to write about I dont want to write about pain anymore

and I Refuse to cry, I refuse to shed a tear , not one , not even half, this is an exam  I WILL pass


__________________

I want to write about a love story amidst carribbean forests and tropical rain, somewhere far far away, - big pearls of water splash down sounding like heaven pouring harmonically throug the sky - its loud , vigorous dark, the trees sway the blackness is so bright and the smell of water beautiful like infused with cold, oxygen, heat , traffic of swaying forest, sweet fruit, quenched nature...... surrounded by dramatic existence and yet ..........

the love story is beyond lucsiously calm..... aroused by fingertips holding each other dancing in each others touch , sweetly carressing the lines, the wrinkles that make these hands unique to each other 

they both stare at the close wilderness, arm in arm face buried in chest, hair curled under chin, he plays with her hair with his chin, masculine and bearded with faith

his breath lingers in her ear no words spoken but all romance is exploding in the air - her legs tie around his they share a blanket a warm blanket their love encapsulated with wedding aromas and satin skin, the sky lightens and she shivers a little-  her grandmother was afraid from thunder so is she they say thunder means GOD is mad - she doesnt need to say anthing

sssshhhh God is not mad from us he gently whispers kissing her ear

she looks at him, stares at him his eyes a new forest filled with a million and many millions of happy days, good days she knows she knows that he is the one  his eyes latch onto her inner turmoil and eradicate it his eyes warm her fears and make her forget her questions, she wants to say so many things to him like how she never  thought she could ever sink into someones eyes like she does now like how she thought she didnt deserve it or like she wasnt beautiful enough for it but then she remembers how all that has changed

even before he came she knew that she did deserve and that she was beautiful but for a long time her heart was angry like  that thunder and her dreams were explosive like this rain and her life was filled with noise except she had nothing to calm her like her love now for God  or her love for  him but she realised that love was already found love was already sent and she was beautiful she did deserve and that he was already hers , that their love was already written, and that this moment in time in this place and depth of story was already given she smiles and leans into him

god made us for each other like a key for one lock or a jisaw puzzle must fit onto one other jigsaw part or medicine and cure

he smiles some more and wraps his strong arms around her as they both watch nature raining a show for them, mesmerised by their love story all the skies have opened time is being cleaned

perfect .