skimmed milk coffee is not enough

I used to like and be good at writing
and now Im completely zero
like a silent whisper
have i got nothing to say ?
or is it that my mind is so noisy i cant hear myself
not even think
like 2 lasers zapping each other out
or as one would say
quantum physics
thats what its become to me.. writing
like quantum physics
totally out of my league
although i love the feeling of typing on a keyboard
maybe
or the feeling of cold air in the back of a university building that doesnt apply to me
and yet here i am
so lucky
and yet so stressed
time waste and time lock
i have no way to enjoy what i should
a bit of freedom
but am so guilty its like the dark clouds robbing the sun
I should be somewhere else
and yet here i am
typing in the sun
I hate differentiation of tables
sitting with what looks to others like the same bunch of people
although i have nothing to do with them and them with me
its not working just to ask for skimmed milk
and just because you did situps yesterday it does not fulfill you doing them today
the same as praying
the same as exercising
as breathing
as working
as wishing
each day covers ts winnings and its losses
each day is one day
that you are allowed to act in , or be real in
too much coffee is not the correct thing for the head
its just a way for ordering something that is actually nothing
because its the wrong time and moment
first thing in the day was perfect
felt like the razor to sharpen the fog
now it feels like the paint on my teeth
so heavy  so wrong
self criticism is the best thing
and the hardest thing
i cant remember the last time i just had time to myself
like this
i think its worth waking up early for
i think its worth being tired for
i think its worth changing for

here it is
6 days in march and 3 months in 2019
a 2019 that is marching through you
making a hole in you
trying to find reason trying to find something to replicate that is worth it
and a skimmed coffee is not enough
to make it happen
im glad im here
but when its june
will be so fast you wont know when it happened
imaging you still saying
the things you are saying now
?
how would that f eel
except
painful?
  

under life.. my skin changes to evil

Bad mother
Bad wife
Bad daughter

all armor down
words mean the world and emotions are wild
actions are broken
and life is just a mess
like oil spilled in sea
memories on the ground
poems unread
meanings unclear
love unwise
jealousy for the kill of a family

she is right
he is poor when i am around
he is tremendously strong for accepting me as his
she is tremendously kind for baring with all this flesh

for I dont deserve all these people
from the smallest to the biggest

theyre just here giving and never taking
theyre just breaking and i keep hitting
theyre just trying but in my eyes always failing
theyre just living and in my eyes life is dying

of course I am unhappy
my arms hurt
and i am so behind
in everything
my tongue is like the razor of mincemeat so sharp and bloody
my eyes are like glass mirrors cutting through arteries
my ears are like trauma wailing
my breaths are wasps of stinging anaphylaxis to kindness

this is not how things should be

I always asked myself
why is someone doing that or this
acting like this or that
can this person not see they are wrong
can this person not see they are mean

and now i am involved
intimately
as that person who doesnt understand

who they are
why they think like this
why do things like that
why they feel like this
and most importantly

why theyve turned into a monster

mean person of strength

The hurting games
everyones power is to hurt somebody
break somebody
for with that pain comes relief
comes quenching of anguish
and isnt that what everyone desires?
to be strong

but what is strength>
is it really the power to break someone that makes you strong
or is it the achievement of something so powerful such as creating a happy family
or being a good muslim a simple one
what makes someone strong
business
intelligence
health
wealth
fame

words of power dont mean anything if they are daggers and swords
it makes no sense to say someone is strong if they are mean
and you my friend
are pure mean
unforgiving
unwise

it is the last day of the first month of the year
what is your review?

Everyday a poem 1

Everyday a poem for you

The quiet stars the gleaming sun

Life with you is so much fun

So many dreams have come true

And i owe them all to you

Your plans your mind your thoughts your words 

You are the definition of kindness

True beautiful heart

Your beats are my alarm clock in life

Waking me up to happiness

To trust and honesty

Its all magic living with you

And am so proud being yours

the next day

theres a time when memories become dreams and dreams become reality
a time when love escapes and fantasies come into play
things happen and glorious lights are lit
people dance and sing and jump and everyone just looks perfect
everyone at that moment is the perfect version of themselves
crisp clean, fresh beauty, wondrous armor of preparation and relatives seem to enjoy each other
every last bit of it
everyone is in love

for just a few hours that you never want to end
but the reality of perfection is that it has to end
the finale is reality that tomorrow begins a new day where everyone scatters in life
people go home
to work
to travel
people scatter and only the best in their heart remains

so whats the best in your heart>
?
where have you been?

at the same time

Ya Rabi,

on one night I witness the makings of new love dancing into play, swaying to the beats of tradition and loud interventions of joy. hips bouncing to the rhythm of rehearsals day in day out and people are happy. maybe too happy for their voices are loud and their boundaries are far. clothes glitter and invisible cloths wrap around her glistened body. around his future and her pride. flirting and blows of kisses and jokes all around. life is good


little did i know that on the same night, in the same moment, a pregnant woman young and beautiful came to the end of her journey with marriage for she lost the love of her life and her world collapsed. the kicks of an unborn child and the bounds of marriage and family... gone. 

I am good

Lets begin 2018 with a note of happiness
a note of pride
for goodness come from within and no matter what
I
am
good
frustrating as it seems
there is a white heart inside me
there is a pure soul
one that needs work
to make shine
and i am willing to work
never willing to throw away
I
am good
filled with good choices
good answers
good ways
good thoughts
good givings
good creations

let happiness come
let time bring nice ways
let writing show grandeur
let grandeur be of kindness
let faith be the reason i am here
let my daughter be the best
because i am behind her
and her father
and her grandparents
filled with hope for her to be ... wonderful
like 2018