Echoes in my mind_ the broken sunday

Deep in my thoughts you are there fixing my meaning and creating my sentences but i feel youre making your own days these days.  My heart warms when i read ur name on my phone its like a little golden treasure lighting up my life. Or the flowers and fruits u send me in the morning or the happy funny tunnels u create that make my day... and night. My heart warms when u think of me and when you ask about me or when u believe in me

But now am in despair my phone is quiet and i have no flowers or fruits or good mornings. Its just dark so i have to go back and read old messages. I have no smiles or happiness calling and i know you dont believe in me . 

I know you have to go to other places and at night it's to your books... or simply its to the other side of me wherever that may be. And your phone is too busy for me and your flowers and fruits i dont deserve. I know its hard to believe in me for ive failed so many times

And so my life is all quiet without you

Now thats something i just cannot force

Or make or buy or control

 They call me demanding and persuasive 

Theyre absolutely right the jewelers in liverpool

To me it had to be right the golden jewels so that it would be an anklet deserving your love

And dad says he stops in his tracks in anger when i speak 

And mum shouts her opinion so i listen

And you 

Just stat quiet 

I know theres something wrong in me

 But whatever it is - its not you

I dont think am confident

I think am arrogant

And i used to thinkk am strong but am really a weak woman breaking myself most easily

And i certainly am not persevering

Although i realise the lack of care ive instilled in my work has affected everything in me

Its just not important to you if its not important to me

Day 20

Day 20 

I dont know of somewhere here there

Horns feelings sadness happiness

Fat thin

Broken wrong broken right

Gold mending me nothing in me

I dont know

I just dont know

What this feeling is

Is it hate

Is it anger

Is it deep down depression

Is it loss

Is it guilt

Is it just the feeling of madness and i dont know

What makes me me and what makes me them and what makes me right or wrong

What makes us think and what makes us drive and what makes us believe in what we believe

Emotions

Fear

Remorse

Hate

Jealousy

What makes us fight and what is it we fight for and how long and how strong

Throwing tables

Writing messages

Rethinking never listening or being cornered

Learning from life to give to your new daughter

Believing

Wanting needing 

Not wanting for others 

Selfish 

Kind 

What is kindness

Passing beggars holding shopping bags

Theory politics

Or theory hard heart

Is that wrong or right a belief or not 

Where does it go 

Actions

Whos a bad person and who is not

You?

Are you a good person

Or are you a bad person pretending to be good or are you in the middle

Neither here nor there

Or are you just pathetic

History

Future

Today 

Tommorow

Life 

Death

Its all coming

So how ready are you 

How damaged and damaging

When will you be 

Ready?

When will you get there

When will you be there

When will you arrive

When will you stop the car and just sit

When will you just sit

Thorn mornings

AAnd thrn i realised how it was suddenly all my fault

For i had been going on the plan they had been making out for me

And i had been travelling on the road taken easily

Here i am a strong minded woman wanting to become soemthing if myself in the world of men

With the extra weight and all

With the extra hate and all

But i was part of the hate

And it was making me late

And i thought that there was enough kindness in the room to dissipate my anger in the mornings

As my devils were still sleeping

But suddenly i realised there can only be so much love before it shrivels up 

As i was asleep when it should have been watered

And i was wrong when i should have been right

And i was weak when i should have been strong

And i was upset when i should have been smiling

And i was gearing my cells to the wrong wavelength

Things should be getting done 

Things should be here on my lap

Not on theirs

Things should be near not far

Things should be happening

Good things

And i wonder

How many thorn mornings will i have to endure

Strangely our little angel is with us

But i realise our devils are just too great 

So here we are 

All apart

And all together pricking each other

And am scared from these itches were inflicting 

And these pains were deepening

And these moments were changing

And these traumas were suffering 

Easily and slowly

Its like the isis of love has come upon us 

And little upon little am scared of a disaster

For there are too many thorns on his skin

And there is only so many words that can be spoken as balsam

Thorn mornings... what is your medicine?

Must i pick out each one

Your pricking my family and my heart

Must i detox

Or become an amjad lover

Or be like my grandmother

An absorption of sponge love

And baring torment

Must i change the room

Or maybe the hours

Or maybe the clock 

Thorn morning- please go away and never come back another day

Leave me and my family alone

We want to drive together when the day starts and love each other and laugh and be merry

But because of you - we are not happy

And earthquakes are opening our base

We are falling

Thorn mornings

I will fight you

Until i change you 

First

No more salt

Second 

Lots of faith

Third

A dream of love

Fourth 

A wave of independance

get back to bite you

blessed and stressed at the same
do they work
never

for you could think of it like you're very lucky or you're not
and you could be selfish, narrow minded and difficult or kind and open
exactly like those who are kind and open with you
and you could go backwards or forwards
and you could feel stuck or take a deep breath and find open air
you could get blackened with smoke or you could run to safety
because feeling stuck is suffocating and doing the same thing wrong over and over again is also
maddening
so fill your life with courage options love and positivity
dont hate love and dont love hate
dont think with a black mind and dont see things as you think they are
just adapt and remember your thorns will get back to haunt you and find you
like yesterday

Where did it go... 'me?

Am i safe?
Am i kind but unsafe?'
Who am i
Where am i
Why am i like this
Feeling lost amongst thousands of escapades
And weak amongst thoysands of horses running by
And here i am
Hiding
Finding
That i am afraid but mean
But angry all the time
From people that just anger me
They may not deserve my anger
But i cant help it
Because im weak
I type this and suddenly feel
Hey why have i stopped writing
Didnt writing make me feel cool and honest with myself?
Wasnt writong a reason for falling in love
And then theres chicken with rice at 2 am
How many cycles do i need to get rid of that?
And then theres feeling like ive done a hige mistake
A big one
An irreversible one
I may have done a mistake or mistakes
But i am not a bad person
And so i am learning
And it is ok to learn

reediting ... pre Ramadan

imagine an escapade of dreams bouncing into your life becoming a reality when you shouldnt be telling people your secrets but instead you do and you find your strengths in your weaknesses and your kindness becomes a sword for others to die upon. i

dont think am a nice person but people see me as

and i

dont see myself as worthy

of all thursdays

and all these plans

and all these papers

and all these methods

and all these strange but beautiful things

and i

dont see myself in stability of creation

always forgetting

always beginning

never finishing

I wish i wasnt the woman i hate seeing in others

this crippled thing where we told her not to do it 

but she did

and now she simply has no life , no dreams, no prosperitity

marriage simply.... roped her and she never knew when she wore that glamorous dress with sparkles and tied up her hair with diamonds that she was really being kidnapped into a world of commitment ... but commitment that just doesnt deserve. the type of commitment you dont want to have

the type of commitment that is ugly

you just give your life to someone who doesnt deserve you 

I

do deserve the best

but am i the best

and I

do deserve to fight 

but am i winning or losing

and i 

do deserve to ask forgiveness

but forgiveness for myself ?

and i

do deserve to give others my all

but am i the one? 

and i do deserve it all

but am i selfish?

what is the difference between selfish and self love ? between selfish and purity of soul offering only whats right

you see

i am a good woman tainted with life

and i am a good Muslim tainted by laziness

by lack of commitment 

by lack of fear 

but i should be afraid

because i am only a minute thing in the grandness of Allah's decadency

and I although want to create want to be want to have want to prevent want to go want to pass want to be learn want to eat want to live want to kiss want to sleep want to pay want to get want to gloss want to dance want to listen

am just a minute thing in the grandness of things

 i need reediting

 i need modifying

i need to commit to myself

i need to understand that this Ramadan is different that all Ramadans

for for the first time in my life 

i skipped a year

and for the first time in my life

i don't feel like a good person or a good Muslim

and for the first time in my life 

i am a mother

and for the first time in my life 

i want to win

the hearts of all .. beginning with Allah

lost without control >>>> pre ramadan tiredness

It is likely that you have been feeling a lot of pressure in your career lately. You may be wondering if it is worth the stress. Don't take your mood too seriously. Let a few days pass before making any radical decisions about changing your life. If possible, spend some time alone to think about what is really important to you. Meditation will help clear your head and better judge whether or not you are on the right path.




it is likely i am creating the stress for myself 
going low to the lowest of intervals of my life feeling like i have no control

remember i used to be lost but under control
now my hands dont leave my phone 
and i am a bad influence 
used to pray at the mosque and fight battles all the same
now he just fights battles feeling like i make it a losing one 

where are the words
the memories 
the strengths
the coping strategies that work
the love
the love for self
for harmony 
for baking
for studying
for becoming something


where am i 
what am i doing
where am i to allah
is this the person i want to grow up as ?
what is happening!


long time no hear
its like a room inside me is locked
where is the key
why cant i open the door to this room

if i did find the key
what would i find inside
what am i looking for in this missing room

is it a room beautifally decorated but empty
is is a room filled with things
what things
beautiful clothes
qurans 
my family
lots of certificates

what am i looking for 

i feel like im only using a single mode of my brain
like its just jammed
there is nothing else working but what im using now
limitied programs
limited settings

just a tiny part of life
is what im living 



to be continued.....