I am primitive

I want to say , I am not the indent of love or the broken of smiles
I am not the voice of loudness or the words of anger
I am not the sense of senseless or the parts of fury
I am not the one they think or the one they know

I am hope, i will always be hope
whether it is maddening or frightening
whether it is controllable or not controllable
I am hope , the good one, the fighter, the believer

the one that makes mistakes, the one that cries after
the one that prays for good and when torn prays for bad
the one that doesnt mean but does mean,
the one whose feelings are raw and sharp

like a blade, like a fist, like a million fists
unbroken
sore
tempted
and the temptation turns into a broken family

considering hellos turn into shouts
and smiles turn into tears
and people turn against me
I fight
i dont give up
for these are my primitive feelings
my sore points
that they touch

with understanding or none
I am here
primitive
like an eater, looking for heat from the cold, and comfort from the wind

I make cinnamon rolls
I make red velvet cake
I make lemon drizzle

I am an elegant woman
I dont show it
for I am the primitive one
with the kindest other half

I am the mean half
the tormented half
the stolen half
the mixed in mind half
the one that is lost half


and now i am losing and will lose
whether it s time, patience, love, respect

I have lost and will lose

but i am here
a woman
sad
hurt
sore
missing
wanting
needing
craving
yearning
asking
begging
wanting


I am a primitive being
like all my ancerstors
drawing on walls their words
I draw my words with screams


like all my ancestors
holding ornaments they treasure
i treasure my family
my only family
and hold it deep in my heart and soul
deep down


and now here I am
lost and losing
sore and torn
bruised and used
bullied


like schoolground children
red eyes they look at me and fingers they hold at me
and throws they blow to my nurture
for i grew up with .... suits and going to work everyday
and money like every penny

not from trees
not from anything but sweat


i grew up knowing and believing in the best
and so i will always know and believe the best

in kindness
in strength
in happiness
in knowledge

and in improvement
and if i regret


it is only that i regret being primitive
but not being me




 

the trigger neighbour ... everything is meant for a reason

You story is unique
you will not be like so and so
or so and so
you will be like you
for its only written for you
it is only your story you can live
so dont have the feelings of a broken woman
be strong
be strong and be available for Allah to love you
dont be the far away muslim who wants things and doesnt do anything to get them
tears wont buy anything
sadness wont make anything
only love and patience will
so be on that stop not the wrong stop
the train will come , even if delayed, even if late,
and if one train is cancelled , the next one will still come
even if you have to wait for the morning to rise
the next train will come
so dont give up and walk away
dont shatter under pressure
dont break into pieces
dont fall apart
you deserve to love yourself and believe in yourself
and want the best for yourself
not the least
dont give up
dont look at others with remorse
dont look at yourself with remorse
have hope
have faith
have trust
have love
have peace of mind
not war of mind
give up the things that pain you
like words and endless words and endless experiences of so many that you dont even know
its just more kilos to take on your shoulders and the broken back will come
stop the madness
stop the  sadness
and remember that you have always prayed
you have always been ehre for Allah to forgive you
and give you
and you have always been a good person
dont just let that go
now when you actually need Allah the most
 he is there for you

he is

The mean gift

Keep strong
know your limits
know your tears
 taste them but dont drown in them
feel them but dont let them burn
wipe them away before they melt you
and you become one of those...
arrogant self centred women who really are kind inside but mean on the outside
like you know who and ...who

you know the translation is I dont give a !"£$ about your party
my translation is : I wish i was there

but things are going to improve
dont break down
like all the cars whos last fun ride was a million years ago
and dont tear apart
like bread broken to feed
untamed and unpolished

and dont give up
and dont be one of those...

thorned women
dont be the blade to cut you open
and unnerve you
you have to keep strong
remember
it will happen
you just have to believe and be patient
and remember that whatever the reason
it will go away one day
so dont give up
and dont lose hope 

find your balance

where are you>?
the one i K now
the one i used to believe in ?
the one i cared about and the one i understood
where are you... hope
the one i trusted
not to let me down
not to break down
and not to feeel down
where are you?

i tried to find you in the midst of pain and calamity
surrounded by exxagurated stress and applications unknown their benefits
except to confirm madness inside your head
or was it positives and negatives and yess and then noos
or was it to read all peoples dramas and calamities
or was it to remember that you arnt alone
but as always you are always not using things correctly
out of balance
you are out of balance
it is sad
that you have to erase
have to eradicate
have to destroy
for you simply



cannot control yourself it is
sad
how do you expect your body to sync in with balance if your whole mind, soul and body are out of balance

where is your balance
where is your freedom to control and choose the right way
where is your start and your end
where is your happiness
where is your understanding and your patience
where is your trusti n Allah
not the trust where you are on a deadline
but the one where you firmly await his plan

that trust

here you are in Valentines day
do you even love yourself?
do you even care?
how out of touch are you with yourself
with your work
with your true feelings
with your sadness

it is ok to be sad
but it is not ok to be useless
it is ok to feel worry
but it is not ok to become a worried human being
a worried woman
you can see it in your eyes
the lines
the frowns
the despair

doesnt even let you see the good side of things
like how things are starting to pay off
like how you are close
inshallah
like how you are there
like how you can and you will
like how you are strong
and you are strong
you are hope
and your body is hopeful and you are filled with health
and trust of faith

dont give up now
 

Life after Sanaa 8

Hello dear

And goodbye

I wish u well and i wish u my dreams

I wish u my hopes and inside you i wish u my love and my tears

I wish u my goodness and my health

I wish u my adventures and my stories 

I wish u my heartbeats and my positives 

I wish u my strengths and my smiles

I wish u everything well

But i know it can not be by just me

I know it cannot be without allah 

Is it proportional to my kindness

To my ways 

To my prayers

Of course

So all i can give u 

Is my proportions

And my promises

The real ones

It is empty without u

But i will never give up 

i wish ... not to be like her

its sad to hear about other peoples problems
i wish them no pain
and i am afraid of comparisons
but i know none can compare
but life is a mystery
i wish to be heard
i wish to be found
i wish to have
and i always ask what about others
what do they want?
and i make the wrong predictions and think
probably not
but then i hear
probably yes
i wish i was a better person
i hope things are better
i hope my body is strong
i hope it forgives me for all ive done
and that it prepares for life as if its a cleanse
i hope allah helps me and protects me
i hope he heals me
and i hope everything comes true
ya rab make everything come true
for me and for others who want
but ya allah help me
and  please let it all come true
ya rab
ya rab

as for others
the fragrance
the perfume
the beautiful smell
i wish luck
i wish and pray  that she is not suffering
and i wish that becomes in a happier world
i wish i come in a happier world
filled with results that are positive and days that are new and strange
and unique
ya allah
let my days be new and unique

Be positive

Dont be negative 

Be the positive u want to see

Be the patient with a smile

Let your body understand that you are not afraid or worried or angry

You have to be patient

You have to have better eyes

Otherwise

Things will fall apart

You wont know where to look

It will be a misery

And allahwont be there for u with eyes like those

Or times like thiswhere u need him and u are just faar awaay

And yu dont believe in his kindness

Remember 

Things will always happen and theyll happen to you because ur a good person and allah wants the best for u and the kindest 

And wants happy everything

So be happy

Be positive

And trust allah it will turn out that way