Am I evil or am I an angel, I don’t know but I hate this feeling, looking
at myself with remorse and shame in everything I do. Getting jealous from
everyone near me although I have everything better or just like them… or do I ?
for im always missing one thing…., having this itching, painful, clear, biting
sensation that all should be mine and no one elses. Clearly, that is a disease.
I am diseased.
For just being who I am, for who I am isn’t who I need and is
deteriorating, is maddening. Between My eyes always hurts, my brain is
scattered, my heart shakes, my back aches and my story is ending. The flame is
almost about to rebel out. It doesn’t feel like being involved in life, it doesn’t
feel like trying, it doesn’t feel like anything. I wish I could throw my phone
out the window, into the sea, into my lifeless existence. For with my phone I only
gained suffocation. That tiny piece of metal and radiation is …. Killing me.
I wish I could melt my extra
weight in a furnace. Just enter and come out …perfect. All will be well then. I
wish I could be smart…again for I used to be smart and caring but now im just …
a secretary.
Going every day from 8-3 and doing nothing from 8-3 except writing
things a smart secretary should be doing.
I need someone who can think on the spot , who can be kind and put
pressure on her wounds without screaming, for who I want to be is that woman
who doesn’t need to come to levels with an old soul, one created much further
away and thus deserves much better respect regardless of her actions and her
thoughts. It is you that should be locked up in time, locked up in
organisation, locked up in punishment, not her. But isn’t balance a challenge? Didn’t you just
agree to this plan over and over again? Didn’t
we agree, didn’t I run it over with both and all said yes … perfect…
but I hate the look on his face…the disappointment is it> ? or is it
the kindness that I don’t have - you are evil and I can just look inside your
heart to see, for I can see the blackness waving out into our existence. This is
your fault. Your greed and your shyness. I am too weak to do anything and deep
down love may just be changing. Like your need to organise for 3 weeks away. Who
knows what could happen until then. Just leave it. But all you can think about
is that you won the challenge and punished the old lady. Well done. I miss my
mum. She would have made me feel better.
I am unhappy because of nothing but myself. This poor shrivelled, weak,
dishonest, sharp that makes others bleed, narrow minded…. Wouldn’t even call
myself a female… just a vessel, a big one. T oo stupid to wake up on time
When angels fly by, and Allah calls youre too stupid to wake up. Snoring
and dribbling misery further into your life
Hey Australia… I guess im coming to visit you.. can you hold this big
woman I am with emptiness inside me.?
