others

where do  I  begin
I am silent from talking cuz I just want to rip my mind and thoughts out
and even tho i  dont speak i can hear the clanging of devils in my head
its too noisy inside

.......................

I wanna break free, from all this pain i havei nside
from all these insecurities
even just the second i actually shut upped
I feel my words flooding in paper and not on tongue
my tongue is burning
with bad options


my heart is bleeding with others



I have no justice for what im doing
I have no memories of where im going


just flowing

against the current
and even though the future is beautiful
I am ....like an untamed monster


like a blasphemy of the innocent

there is no goodness within me

used to be unavoidable with goodness
but now theres no way birds would chirp on my shoulder

spots everwhere
on my face,
on my actions
on my sentences
on my freedom
such blots I cant even breathe

where to start cleaning
where to try living
again


so many resources plugged
freshness
cleanliness
faith
patience
patience
definity
kindness
gratitude


all plugged with sewage

of just blurting out hte first thing that comes to my mind
UUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and the first thing is always ugly never a good circle inside me

always selfish
always mean

I am literally tired from being a mean woman

from being a hard person
from being a difficult human being
and who am i destroying with that hardship

noone but me?


for I am just tired with others
others when you think aobut it
they have won the game
for i do nothing but worry about others
about others
always talking aobut others
she did the right thing
and a dinner party to prove it
and she actually meant it
should i do a dinner party
i would have to do thousands of them


Ya ALLAh

when was the last time I said that
just so busy with everything else
just so busy with all i have to say
like its my job to filter out the bad in people
the weak in onthers
never myself
NOOO
there is nothing wrong with me

nothing bland with me
nothing dark or unflowered

all chirpy


celery LOVE it
never knew it existed



like I dont know if the woman inside me
exists no more/?

hello?

i miss this place
maybe its my only sanctuary
my only flower of a floating memory
may...
I get rid of all my pain
I think again before i speak
I stop hating myself and hating myself
I change what I want to who I want

sometimes i just hate everything about me
why cant i just do that or be that
no its
like im sanctioned
like my country

THAT... you cannot have
wont be downloaded into your system
that is blocked
cuz youre just in the wrong place
and in the wrong design

that YOu cant have
............

feeling sad
suddenly
feeling scared
from the abcsence within myself
from the surrendering ive allowed
from the questions ill have to ask


deep inside

youre not serious

so insensitive but whos more
im like the sick not going to the doctor
even though they know they have the cure

so hurtful but whos more
im stabbing myself every single time

new pains
I didnt want
new reasons i didnthave
new explorations i ahve to take

but journeys that im mmissing out on
and adventures im blinded to
and love im needing but depriving myself of


he tells me youre not serious
maybe hes right
maybe its just all my fault
and all my time and all my love is lost
in never being serious


to be continued....

cant feel my soul

am just so lost
trying to find words that mean no sense within me
trying to make sense of what is around me
everything confounds me
the beautiful days
that go awaste
the fallen darkness that scares my grace
the awakened fears
that are new and destructive
the sleeping love
for faith that go unnoticed

I am just so far back
I travelled far away
suddenly we were on a different planet
and it was amazing that suddenly
we had forgotten and remembered everything on it
life changed and i was pulled into a force of the past
histroy did repeat itself one second after the last
and the desert had dissappeared
and a piece of me had reappeared
that i thought was gone forever

and now everyone lives different moments at the same time
and i live every wrong moment at the same time
until i have no words at the right time
its the end of April and nothing has been done
in anything and the life ive won
for i never asked paid or knew i would be here
but im the one who owns this soul

and its all been given back, sold and not even paid for
just taken or stolen and not even told for
wiftly bypassing my memories
the devil wins
im changing dramatically
im broken instantly
im weaker than a feather
im more lost than even
my tongue aint mine
my heart responds to voice strange
I cant feel my soul


yes
I
cant
feel
my
soul

 

just words

I think about friendships that are invisible
no longer available
ones that one day used to spark usher and not ushers syndrome amongst the streets of Sudan
music to our ears we raced and my heart never paced with sense -
just tense..that they would like the next song.. and they always did
I was young, I was cool with coolness around me, i was happy and I was the one they loved
never thought at that moment where life would take me or that would be taken away
never thought our friendship would be without eyes or ears and where they would go they would lose it all , all they had with me
and all the distance between us, is not just  milage or oceans
but  emotions .... just gone


,....

deep down I cant hear the answer but I can feel it
im jealous
time changes people and feelings
but am I the same or different?
why do I miss them?
why do I go back to the days of tapes and
a... magical time? where I enjoyed them and they enjoyed me ...
a time they've forgotten
a time that means nothing .... for its evaporated

and yet I make humid my expressions of ...missing those times
 deep within my heart until it cries
____________________________________

part 2 -
I am in a series,,, an egyptian one where all im missing is the music,
the music would be queit , peaceful, a little peakful at times to sense my calm yet turbulent emotions to the audience , - I stare at the room around me and its beautiful
curtains crisp with pattern , a new soft touch pyjama worth the camerisation - worth the etiquette im living in , worth the imagination im living by - feeling a sense of clean fresh sheets that everyone has to see - a glass of crystal water by my side ... a tall man to take the ride... of true fantasy and as i try and wrap my words and begin to show the world who I really am
my bedside light glitters with joy - yes I am here to make you wonder, to make you suffer about my mystery or is it honesty
and you may start to think about little things like where i got my curtains , or pyjamas , or where i got my hair done, or what detergent do i use and who does the washing or maybe why do i have any worries if i live in such granduer

______________________________________

failing to see

gotta get out of this mess
a big solid introduction of abnormal flavour
am just sitting here doing nothing
feeling nothing
being nothing

and how cani be lost if ive got nowhere to go
but my nowhere is the smpty space ahead of me
it feels like im going there

absent from everything i want to be
and anything i can be
am a projection of millions of debris just floating in a random area
noone can pick me up cuz i dont know where i am

imagine a cold, dark, ocean, that God has created
how i miss the thousands of miles away i used to be
in a cozy hut with a hot cup of tea and everything will be alright
and perfect
all those disney colours and flowers
no wreckage or wooden sticks dug on my heart
no feelings of horrid despair
a gulp of fury
a lack of intimacy within myself

words, the pieces of me that I cannot make no more
dont know what htey mean no more
i really dont know who i am no more

and am so happy and yet unhappy at the s ame time
like im exchanging my coins not in the black market
where you get more money than you should
am feeling selfish, jealous, weak,

here I am always given chances
always been given health
and yet i dont want it seems
until maybe it will come real
and how i beg for a new opportunity
called ____________
but i never even know how to wish for it

cuz am just a jealous purple of a kind
want to know everything that doesnt belong to me
want to be nothing i should be
want to have everything i dont
and dont give a _________ about what i have


remorse
guilt
is the delicate morsel i drink from
and dark bread of lack of forgiveness
for i just canot forgive myself
for being so naive


and ..........pathetic


something tore within me when it all got torn away
and i could see it in their eyes
and maybe or definitely history is repeating itself


for im always the kind to be slapped inthe face
5 instead of 1
27 instead of 67
so until then if
what am i gonna do
white instead of yellow
a lot instead of a little
today instead of the past


to be continued
 

Life is a laptop battery

its funny .. a simple example can change my whole perspective
No electricity - shouldnt have cut but here I am in a Khartoum afternoon/ late afternoon amidst a silence I actually enjoy
I hate to admit but today is one of those days I  deep inside actually  like when that the electricity cuts - a peaceful existence of time and space where you can do nothing but actually look right inside your soul for you can see nothing , hear nothing , be nothing but you
I turn on my lap top and read 64% remaining - I am suddenly taken aback at the short energy we have
just like my laptop i have a stop sign to me
a baattery that will run out one day
maybe sooner maybe later
am ashamed instantly at who I am
like a woman fragmented into a million pieces
like all the pieces of dust around me just flying helplessly into the air
thats how I feel
where is my love for who I am
where is my need for Allah
where is my joy for religion
where is my strength for health
I feel like that grip i used to demand i own is forcefully going or gone
I feel like that rope i always used to hold has slipped
I feel like im just circling really dizzy

and I ask myself
isnt your life like this laptop battery
ar you not racing against time in life just like you are racing with time to finish work and do a lot before it cuts
isnt Allah in charge of how much time you have? can you do anything about that?
can you do anything about the cut electricity
must you not wait for it to come without a singly type of control? and the only control you have is doing as much work as possible
same as in life the only control you have is being the best you can be using the time you have being the nicest you can be , the happiest, the kindest, and the most pure


i feel like my life has all been set  into a small example
like in science or maths
to the power of.... life is a laptop battery



.................
trust me the problem is within you