failing to see

gotta get out of this mess
a big solid introduction of abnormal flavour
am just sitting here doing nothing
feeling nothing
being nothing

and how cani be lost if ive got nowhere to go
but my nowhere is the smpty space ahead of me
it feels like im going there

absent from everything i want to be
and anything i can be
am a projection of millions of debris just floating in a random area
noone can pick me up cuz i dont know where i am

imagine a cold, dark, ocean, that God has created
how i miss the thousands of miles away i used to be
in a cozy hut with a hot cup of tea and everything will be alright
and perfect
all those disney colours and flowers
no wreckage or wooden sticks dug on my heart
no feelings of horrid despair
a gulp of fury
a lack of intimacy within myself

words, the pieces of me that I cannot make no more
dont know what htey mean no more
i really dont know who i am no more

and am so happy and yet unhappy at the s ame time
like im exchanging my coins not in the black market
where you get more money than you should
am feeling selfish, jealous, weak,

here I am always given chances
always been given health
and yet i dont want it seems
until maybe it will come real
and how i beg for a new opportunity
called ____________
but i never even know how to wish for it

cuz am just a jealous purple of a kind
want to know everything that doesnt belong to me
want to be nothing i should be
want to have everything i dont
and dont give a _________ about what i have


remorse
guilt
is the delicate morsel i drink from
and dark bread of lack of forgiveness
for i just canot forgive myself
for being so naive


and ..........pathetic


something tore within me when it all got torn away
and i could see it in their eyes
and maybe or definitely history is repeating itself


for im always the kind to be slapped inthe face
5 instead of 1
27 instead of 67
so until then if
what am i gonna do
white instead of yellow
a lot instead of a little
today instead of the past


to be continued
 

Life is a laptop battery

its funny .. a simple example can change my whole perspective
No electricity - shouldnt have cut but here I am in a Khartoum afternoon/ late afternoon amidst a silence I actually enjoy
I hate to admit but today is one of those days I  deep inside actually  like when that the electricity cuts - a peaceful existence of time and space where you can do nothing but actually look right inside your soul for you can see nothing , hear nothing , be nothing but you
I turn on my lap top and read 64% remaining - I am suddenly taken aback at the short energy we have
just like my laptop i have a stop sign to me
a baattery that will run out one day
maybe sooner maybe later
am ashamed instantly at who I am
like a woman fragmented into a million pieces
like all the pieces of dust around me just flying helplessly into the air
thats how I feel
where is my love for who I am
where is my need for Allah
where is my joy for religion
where is my strength for health
I feel like that grip i used to demand i own is forcefully going or gone
I feel like that rope i always used to hold has slipped
I feel like im just circling really dizzy

and I ask myself
isnt your life like this laptop battery
ar you not racing against time in life just like you are racing with time to finish work and do a lot before it cuts
isnt Allah in charge of how much time you have? can you do anything about that?
can you do anything about the cut electricity
must you not wait for it to come without a singly type of control? and the only control you have is doing as much work as possible
same as in life the only control you have is being the best you can be using the time you have being the nicest you can be , the happiest, the kindest, and the most pure


i feel like my life has all been set  into a small example
like in science or maths
to the power of.... life is a laptop battery



.................
trust me the problem is within you

random 1st try

I knew I could do it
trusted myself and i suceeded
booked my life away
am excited for a different day
but am angry with myself like a wicked queen
wanna burn my village and never look back
cuz the guilt would be tremendous and strength I lack

am glad i did something new and strange
she looked amazing like she never changed
like she was new and old all at the same time
like she never moved into days like all of us like she was fine
and in that instant it didnt matter if her life was terrible or not for me

i desperately wanted to be her in me

.........
am enstranged in everything i do
lost in trying to change , trying to be free
my skin is like an ugly monster

I wonder why her eyes were red
maybe its all my fault and i deserve to .... nothing
i dont deserve any of what i have
 I treat her like nothing and yet shes everything
for without her I wouldnt be here
and i didnt choose her but Allah chose her
and i dont deserve any of this
any of this


----------

random pain

everytime i close my eyes its like a dark paradise
Im a woman similiar to people I hate their actions to
and yet I do exactly the same yet
a fearful woman strange i could talk and think a small mind
against a peaceful thing and had to shut my mouth against the war
i really am at war
with myself
within myself
im someone i dont even know
someone  i hate
truly hate
i hate who i am and what ive become
fearful and fearless
of the most important things in life
Allah,health, patience,
I feel like ive had my heart attack
my chest all poisonous in the inside
my heart all black on the outside
remoteless of feeling of sanity
of mind
painful to breathe
like fadil
feeling so broken unable to concentrate on anything
and on anyone
except this ugly woman ive become

blurred in the future

gonna put my frustration in a timeless zone
and forget about my questions that make me feel alone
patterns of a madness I dont want to console
they make me feel terrible, they make me be wrong
I know im a strange one
maybe its all me
maybe im the one who doesnt understand all the parts of me
parts that make me
and parts that break me
parts that fake me
and parts that earn me

for I know im at war with myself
i know im bleeding inside
too in pain to go find that wound
it hurts too much to put pressure 
like a shadowless human being
just walking a path... sometimes feeling so isolated
so lost
barely knowing my name
or what it means to me
barely understanding why am here
in this life , with this life, and after this life
forgetting the most important parts of a stranger
and trying to find the meanings in another
I dont make sense no more
am so enstranged , so in denial
am lazy like an ugly crocodile
am weak like a tormented soul should be
exactly the definition of a childish soul
one who wants a toy until ever after to hell
a ll communication lost with a beautiful woman inside
one who writes , one who commands , one who reads, one who thinks , one who ....

feeling like a detective - but never reaching for the solution
maybe a bit of evidence , but never the end
always stuck in the middle
 trying to hold on but too heavy with burden

of a faithless creation of someone i dont even know
that part of me I dont even know
that part of me who doesnt listen to Quran no more
 or pray on time no more
or listens to azan no more
or listen to quran with hope and breath no more
or does tasbeeh no more
or has a focus on who she is no more

dont know who I am no more
am just blurred..........




to be continued

random 7

information is security, know everyhting and you will be safe flying in the wind and you will never fall if you know everything , you will never fall a skyrise overlooking the background, the Nile smiling at me welcome dear to my world and live the life youve always dreamed , I am here watching you grow and as you drink from me just a worldwide away, I will know that you are here to stay - for this is your palace and these are your desires, leopard and red , wherever you tread, you know what youre doing dnt you? it awlays works out in the end, if you dont want to fix it it wont be fixed like that word always your life wil stay the same if you want it so waht do you want? red arms? or a heart fierce with the strength to never give up, to hold on and ear that forgiveness so lost in time words barely speaking a to how i feel inside i just want to type love the way it sounds soft memories and new ones instantly being made like the flicker of a photo being born khartoum, is hazelnut sweet at night maybe with strawberries maybe not ? eating red caamaties so hard to digest but has to be done 9.35 life collects every second to make me and never deny me chances and yet i insist ..all tohate tahat is good is this another chance? a new day with milk tea maybe with sugar maybe without but definetely with glitter earrings for all i want is to glitter all the feelings within me let them sparkle red and leopard elegance I hope to re hope and start again Ya Allah I know this isnt the time to pray but I ask youto stay in my life like the meanderng Nile below me and the high rise drama above me and the beautiful soft sky within me and the floating of dreams come true around me and the time youve given me Ya Alah let me be your soldier for i miss you and need you Ya Allah I need you dont let megive up

random clicks

tunes in my head . wherever i tread, a piece of me wins or loses
mystery in a balcony
I remember times and imagine futures adn hope for days that mean everything and cry nothing
treasures in a lost land like I
lost treasures in a mistaken body
am I the one?
its only Gods creation that brings us together and sets us apart only spaces and maybe busy airports

a balcony at 6.02
life mute
except the voice of love and dreams pouring through a gap from the ceiling into my soul
you know its too late , weve already fallen in love
changing me and making me the same
wishing I could change and never be the same
wishing  I could pray better
wishing I Could find that person within me that i dont know anymore

will my balcony heal me
and make me
and find me
and take me into a place Ive always wanted to go

_______________
I remember coming here and looking at a shadow never thinking it would be possible but it is possible
this is my home
like my bedroom so far away
this is my place and where my mind sets and where i watch the day set and where i watch my life begin

im adamant to try
today i tried
im superior because ...............?



_________________
finding thoughts in a dark mind
pushing goodness from the rotten apple
eating fresh from a broken place
theres no henna today to trace
time is treasure and treasure is time
remembering who iwas and what i want to be
rather than being stuck in a timeless zone
just space and a useless alarm clock
60,000 thoughts and none make sense
I feel like my heart has become way too dense
what are you putting inside?
__________________________---
in seconds life changes
your feelings and you heart
I want to pray here
in my balcony

dont remember the last time ...........


_____________________________


sprinklers are on
the sound waters my heart before the garden
I
have
no
Intentions