so and so

it scaress me when i look back through a mirror glass of broken engagements love and to think how many tears may have been spent and how many kisses may have been blown...in vain
so and so was in lvoe with so and so buthink about t they didnt end up together
theydidnt get married
no one really knows why
except the couple that should have been but never were
i know that means God didnt write them down as one

but i still wonder and imagine
if so and so were together today now
how would they be
 would they be here different
with us in love
in fear
in happinness
in time
in strength
or in darkness
would they have saved us or would we have saved them
from twisted marriages and no children from illness and poverty and fights and terrible people
would they have saved us from lack of education and love
or would they have saved us from enhanced trauma
would we have sepent itme with them and loved them
and become friends with them
and maybe even more

I wonder
about what could have been all the time
and i tihnk well how many could have beens were in my life
and my time
and what will be in a few years time
or maybe many years time
that I will regret or not regret

all I know is
I pray God helps me make the right choices
and gives me orange lights in the middle of khartoum with ...........

to be continued

I forgot what it feels like ...to look deep inside

3.14 am - I shouldnt be awake

but I               am
 listenin forcefully to the sound of twittering flies in my bathroom that I cant catch and worrying about unreturned deposits ...of life of life
I love it --- life
always .....
the hum of the refrigerator wafts and queitly the air con sings cold love to me
orange lights and good music or rather
a small window to the outside world
I ask myself
how much do you wana open and how much do you wana close?
can you control that?
i say: you can do anything you desire
like pain you can desire to leave that behind
europe ..you can desire to forget
africa
you can desire to remember
wishes upon long days and hot trains
to come here
in the middle of the sun and family
and grapefruit
you dreamt this and its happening
endless numbers of grapefruit tomatoes and anything sudanese
but suddenly i am lost
or am I stolen?
i dontk now
I am confused i know I am
but i realise this is exactly where i want to be
maybe i didnt account for hardships for othdr peoples eccentricities
but as for me
I am in tune with life
even if im scattered in thoughts
Its like I want to do a million things at one time
even though im not doing anything
its like i have a million things to do
even though im not doing anything
its like ive forgotten who iam
even though my reflection is the same
its like my memories have been shaved
even though my hair is getting healthier
its like im a stranger
even though im close to relatives

 i feel
confused and weak
unpraying
unlearning
unthinning and
unhappening
the me I dreamt of
the love i yearn for
the me i demand
I always demand respect
but I ask myself
do I really deserve it?

God
where are you
I know you are here
I love you
but I cannot se e you
and that is wrong
you are not just a part of me when i am alone
you should be a part of me no matter where I go
I feel that there are changed things inside me
but there are bad things stil lthe same
life is an endless battle
but a beautiful one
and i want to live a beautfiul battle
one with good regrets and forever love
i refuse to believe i am not worth amazing love
and endless smiles
Ya Rab
I ask you to help me
I want
 I want to never dissapoint you family and me
I want
to succeed here
i dont want to fail and i dont want
others to see me fail
I dont want to run#
I dont want others to tie me down
and rope me and choke me
cut my air supply and leave me breathless
no

I dont want no one to control
that is why i always want to be different
i want to attract different
but good
faithful and strong
 ya Rab
i know i can do that
 I know you can do that
please help me

today is a good day
for i can go far far away to hear what i need
and still be in the right place at the right time


 

butterflies on the roof

Today , I made a beautiful memory
on the final floor the roof of a house in the busiest part of omdurman with traffic horns and tired lorries overloaded everywhere I stood hanging my washing like....... like old times? I had never experienced old fashioned laundry for a long time
the smell of the powder, the coolness of the wet clothes against my wrinkled hands, the freshness of the sun as I was borrowing its heat to dry my clothes or was it being friendly by helping me?

ahead of me

was life
behind me
was a person I wanted to forget a little bit more each and everyday

but the real beautfiul memory was
white butterflies dancing nearby on top of pink flowers that were wrapped around the railing of the roof
how beatiful
undisturbed by badness by sadness
jsut miracles dancing and waving higher tot he sky to help them be together
forever
landing on pink soil when tired to chat rest and have fun
 I watched them
I watched the street
I wish life could be as beautiful as those butterflies rythyms
so I asked myself
can my life be as beautfiul as those butterlfies rythyms?

Pickles & Ginger Biscuits

The coolness of the external alone fills my heart
I feel safe , unwanted ...but safe

wishing that they open their door i search for remedies, memories as I am greeted with a warm but a cold welcome or was it a goodbye, I dont know - I was looking at what I wished my future would be like i was looking at the beautfiul sudanese yard clean and dribbled with water smelling like aftershave of rain and sweet flowers, the lemon tree sitting on the side like a glazed queen, I was looking at the way the lights fall and the entrance to the inside of the house tempts you to run inside - we went at that time when all the hard work was done cleaning and cooking and sleeping = their children greet us beautifully clean and queit plaits controlled and voices unheard - come say hello and then they run to where they came from - I admire everything insdie the furniture the carpet the curtains the ornaments the kitchen although i didnt enter it today the fans the freshness the love the faith I admire everything and I start to remember all the good things I know I want to know I thought i knew - we ask for tea only they give us tea only and three tyoes of biscuits two homemade
one ginger biscuits with sugar sprinkled on top the ginger comes to me like a waft of life inside turmoil soft but surrounded with a bit of brittle like me? i love them
I am queit today i was never queit when i went to visit them but today i was queit thinking they really dont care they really dont know how much I love them and wnat to be like them I never want to leave even though I know their home doenst really want me as i leave i imagine their in progress garden how beautfiul lights flowers in a certain way tea and juice or maybe dinner outside

oh and pickles .....aubergine cucumber and cucumber carrots onions>? dont let them boil , salt sugar vinegar water i try and remmebr i desperately try and save it in my memory pretend ive done it a million times pretty young woman doing a grandmothers job perfect sexy cool

i hate leaving but i hate going

I always feel unbehaved and lifeless when I leave them
and dirty and unsudanese
I feel all those things when I visit the best people inthe world

neither here nor there

in the subset of tranquil madness I categorise my future memories into turmoil or ....watermelons
broken existence I share the heaviness of the metal dust in the sotlen streets, lost from frozen money thawed in a beautiful girls room somewjere downtown ...in the high places around like here - the condiotioner conditions my anger and cools my heartbreak - the fan rythyms my soul in to believing I am here ...I am here in the place where i am  either here nor there where i neiether belong or am a stranger no i am not a stranger but I am not adjust to this zoo either - like a desert filled with stories filled with smiles and tears and water but also oil, sugar, and sesame ground into a sweet - I have been writing about the moment I reach the deafening sounds of truck traffic and rich versus poor sudanese I have been waiting to write about the times the street lamps shine onto my heart at midnight and how the sounds of sleeping people beat and how the trees sway with pink and white and how the sound of the refrigerator hums in the background and how I am here so happy but so sad because there is a part of me that i just want to kill and deploy so very far away to do its dirty business of crashing dreams elsewhere - and there is a part of me I do not understand - its like the girl who said I dont need crushed biscuits of solid flavoud...vanilla or like the eyes that stare at me and think what is that girl t hinking its the same girl thinking WHAT IS THAT GIRL THINKING
that girl I wish I was a new woman I have been dreaming about being a better woman i didnt want to cry at all but I am sad because I do not feel light instead i have a million worries and I do not feel beautiful because I the connection is lost and I do not feel in touch with myself because I am neither here nor there neither hapy nor sad neither good nor bad neither alive nor dead neither strong nor weak neither able or unable - they said to me you cant do this alone I said i wont even listen - now I say are they right are they really right?

this is not my plan

 this is not who I am
lost
bored
boring
queit
unhappy
tired
ignorant
weak
selfish
lacking
and
willing to sacrifice heaVen for a few hours of extra sleep

this is not what I want
late starts
unhealthy body
functionless mind
concentrating on the hot weather .....and food

this is noT how I want it to be
 a mistake
a chance closed
a time wasted
like all other times

this is not how I want God to see me
lifeless
useless
unworthy to be protected and loved
to be give n
memories and a future


this is all wrong
I am all wrong
I feel so unhappy
not becasue I am in the wrong place
but becasue I am doing all the wrong things

I feel so weak
because its like somewhere as I  was flying my strength fell from the sky
and my dreams vaporised
leaving this

an empty woman unsure where to begin
and what she must do

this is not what I promised my self
a new me
expanded only in beauty

if i continue like this
it will be the loss of all times
and the sadness that costs me all my age
and goodness

i have been here a week
so whats is going to be
sink or sswim?

Be.....be natural,,,,be beautiful

I dream
I live
I aspire
I collect strength
I fly

I will be a new hope
with a new scent
and that works hard and tries her real best
love for faith - even if at 3 am at 4 am
I used to think before there are always more faithful ones than me
it made me never really believe in myself
but now now i think
yes there are very good people too
but I am my own goodness and it is what I do and all else doesnt matter
have good strong opinion be wise be strong but be sweet be mature be hopeful be natural
caring  honestly to others and then to yourself
if you really cared for your self it
would show
and you would know
how pretty and happy you really can be
be loving but be daring be promising be magnetic be attractive
be natural - simply be kind be easy
energetic - oh live live for moving your body and twisting into activity
fun to be with to see to hear to talk to be around
entertaining to life - live your life and nobody elses and not for anybody else
except God