Door 9: TRAP door back to door 1

IN life you open doors that turn out to be mistakes
now ive done this opened the wrong door
and ive found im back to door 1 : stabilty
I am lost otherwise for if i let it i will live in this trap
i will be nithis trap forever
1 day is not the same as one year
a mistake ive done in the past


so learn from yoyur mistakes not live in them
pass them and learn the next time you get to door 9
DO NOT OPEN


So Door 1: Stability of health mind and bosy
education love for faith faith in yourself your freedom your love

broken hero

destruction to perfection lies underneath the undergrounds of sin

I feel like ive been hit by a freight train

I could hear its nooise I had time to move

but I didnt 

and I got broken, damaged and badly badly destroyed

handicapped in the heart now

traumatised in the soul now

lost in body now

stolen from mind now

gasping for a smile now

gasping for me

Ifeel like Ive been thrown from a plane without anything to save me 

no parachutes of support

no other guide

no lifetime of hope to help me

no 

just me and nothing to save me 

and as the air pushes me into the other --- life

and as the birds laugh at my weakness and eminent death

and as the trees and mountains and other pieces of peace look so innocently maybe with a tear in their eyes

maybe with a lancing pain at my voluntary jump

i think so this is what it feels like to die/

?

this is what it feels like to be helpless and unlike movies or even reallife I am powerless to change my fate

this 

is 

what 

it 

feels

like?

how long now/

I feel like ive given myself up to be locked away

in the worst of prison

prison of satan and friends

looks nice from the outside

but inside you eat flesh of time and boiling blood of heart

this is not where i should be 

but here i am where i shouldnt be 

lost angry

remorseful

In that jail cell the key lies infront of me 

i can see even have it 

and yet i continue to look at it and suffer

yes

I feel like 

ive been tricked

ive been shattered

ive been lied to

ive been lied to by myself

ive been fake 

ive been pushed back a thousand steps 

 a thousands roads

a thousand memories

a thousand hours

a thousand feelings of rage

a thousand dramas

a thousand scenes

a thousand licks of dirt

a thousand times my eyes will say guilty 

a thousand losses

a thousand expenses thrown away 

I feel 

like ive never felt before

useless

and a like a brokn hero

 

Ramadan...Tide swept or Anchor?1

I've
let the world suddenly pass me by
you see this is what i do
choke when i succedd, when get near and when can see alight i throw dirt over it

I've lost success
even though i had it
here I am
waiting for answer I knw I dont deserve
what i deserve is
better


here i am waiting for a result i know will NOT come like this


I need time?
I need a push?


How pathetic

how pathetic
my drive is gone
my checking in with reality
my understanding of hope

who are you


HOPE?


Ramadan is coming and this year as usual as anything else will I be swept wit hthe tide?

or will i become the anchor

this is my Ramadan entries

TIDE swept or Anchor 

Door 8: timE to balance, time to remember the rest

I listen to what ive always wanted to do
its rejuvenating exciting
i am so happy finally

but when i turn there are still other prts of my life untouched
power cut
dark and tired
like before
its like i have taken all my energy and condensed it into this one thing
good


but not so great
what about faith?
what about reading?
what about the mind
what about everything else

my body is listening to me
everyday i feel a little part of me come back
as i lose pain and misery andweakness

words are no more sharp
i am getting stronger physically anf mentally

but i am still listening todevils
i am still not fully in control
i must be awareof thisfor
if you dont know the dangers you will falli nthem
balance is what you need
balance is what yourequire

you have awoken from a deep sleep but dont go to sleep in other areas and only stay awake here

dont what does god mean to you? 

Door 7: Forgiveness

I enter a forest withthorns and wildfire
angry and flamed my heart beats dry
amidst all these pangs of madness I


cry
cry for the ppast
for otehrs for myself
for him

my eyes drive my fear
I see what i not want and want what I see
forest of darkness
twisted devils bruise
 me and shados consume me of a terrible fight
within myself
a battle that fumes
black anger
anger why
stoop
change
be
remove
add


forgiv e

silence

forgive me
clouds
forgive me and forgive yourself
clouds collect faster nearer

forgive all that youve done and start over
clouds rain
with every faling teardrop it erases somewhere hard
somewhere i dont need to be
rain comes
happily
devotingly
with a functino
to save me
and i let myself be
saved


forgiveness
forgive

happinness exist

change will only come to those who let that cool rain of forgiveness come
God forgives all
and you must forgive yourself
and be kind to yourself like it has been kind to you

but you must alos be kind to others
think of others
who are still in a dark forest
lost
or scared
or


in pain

forgive reality
forgive existence into a foretold misery
forgive the past
forgive


 give your body the present of forgiveness
dont ever let your body down........

Stolen dreams 1

the closest person to me hurts me with a stab
kills me with an emotional knife
but its for good ...they say
i feel my body die a million times each time
hurt a thousand more
cry a billion tears of  emptiness
for being in this hard journey
and having no one to help you or understand you
or know you
or


be with you


I dont know

God i want to be strong
but sometimes it so hard
so so hard


i dont to suffer like eyes torn from destruction of minds
and memories useless amidst a beautiful picture

once
I
was
here

nothing torments me more than this emotional type of wicked kindness
but i deserve it
i know
but i feel my heart breaking

 my dream
has been stolen
but hten again
i think
how many peoples dreams have been stolen in life ?
too many 
beautiful girls and boys
with stolen dreams

and i 
i am one of them 
 
 

July is here _ what a beautiful month _Ramadan is in it

Dont stop now
Dont stop the fight
Pray pray pray till the heat from the light
burns
with all its might


Dont stop
not now
notever
remember
only determined people are clever

you must continue
you perservere
but most importantly you must believe

Ya RAb help me today
help me tomorow
help me now
help me later
help me always
help me get the things i want
for the thigns i want are astarting to get hard
becasue ive jumped up my bar
ive raised my bar
and i need your help so bad to keep it there
ya rab i ask you to help me
in all the aspects of my life
for ive started anew chapter
a new happily ever after
with you in my heart
and i beg you to help
thsi month is beautiful
I cannot wiat
 even though i am afraid
but its just my soul being hungry already for all the wrong things
 but i am teaching it and changing it
and soon
i will arrive

Ya rab
help me get the things I need
and the things that will make my paretns happy
Ya Rab
I must make them happy
I must
Ya rab