10- 4.5

its been a while since i've been counting

but i'm listening to my strength and am no longer drowning

2012 I plan to be

the best woman that I can see

just  a few days ago I was a year away

but I thank god that I couldn't stay

in that cold, dark and miserable place

suddenly the sunlight was in my face

a new year

a new chance

a new plan

a new span... of life

a part of me is sorry for all that I have done

but a part of me knows whats done is done

what I've done is gone

what I didn't do is still undone

I went to africa to find my heart

I went back home to search for the start

I went to the desert to get back the truth

I went to a hot winters tale to catch my youth

and in the wind , the blowing wind

and amidst the wedding of fantasy where red satin sat

and throughout the days where the sun was friendly

and over the mornings when fresh coffee brewed

and in the evenings when glowing stars chewed

.......the bitterweet pain

a part of me wanted to scream

a part of me wanted to dream

a part of wanted it all to seem

.....fine

I know it wasn't fine

it was dangerous and cruel

it was innocent but I was the fool

it was shameful I used her as as tool

I used him, them as a tool

I invisibly bled a red velvet pool

.....of beautiful blood

Here I am today 5 days on

no more memories just the remedy to find the one

God...and I 

are broken ever so

I desperately want to fix it and make it glow

......and i have this year to find how to fix it

My first dream

May this year lose all bullets of secrets
told by the thoughts of others spilling onto my own

May this year be happy and easy
easily filled with a simple explosion of excuisite story
my story

may this year be the happiest year in my life
may this year be my untold future
may be this year be my reason for livng

May this year be my tears paying enough
my cries turning diamonds
and god.... forgives me
that is a beautifully organised day

May this year be challenging
no misery may break me
only God can make me
better, older, a new woman

a  different composition from the rest
Ya Rab
please have mercy on me\this year
 have mercy on me
 touch me with your grace and love
 forgive me for all I have done in 2011
 do not break me this year
 do not let me trick me
please letme be awake at the right times

Ya rab let my first dream come true
that you love me and forgive me and accept me this year
Ya Rab


YA rab let all my first and right dreams come true
Please organise me into tommorrows melody composition
let me be the right tune
let me play .......wonderfully\
Dear God
I beg you to forgive me
Dear God

LIVE Khartoum Heartbreak 1

Just so close, on a fallen balcony , a woman screams to her young daughter - YOUVE DONE A HUUGEEE MISTAKE! FIX IT!
her screams echo the lounge, the kitchen, solid annoyance with the world and everything in it ,in that moment in time , I am forced to listen planets between us and yet her voice rings in my ears, her pain agonises my heart and her screams worrry me terribly,

it is an episode of live Khartoum Heartbreak

here We are, here I am amidst the working streets, it is 2.36 in the afternoon
birds are chirping outside , their sounds sing over fast motor cycles and impatient car horn, lorries growl too.  I can hear the sounds of cooking, pots and pans exploding with flavour in deep unshaven kitchens, clean....but not clean enough, never can be - for it would not be perfect Khartoum otherwise .... dust trickles, and flies dance ,

my cousin breaks my trail of thought but enters a new one in my head...... her lemon juice swings in the air , taste and smell combined remind me of my glistening dreams, and hot houses repaired with  them.. I dream of living here in the heat sometimes won by the creeping cold escpecially in the night time twirls - when it gets cold here - no one should underestimate the powr of its control. Slowly taking you sharply drying you from the winds agitated by change in the skies. its swift coolness design my dreams. I dream now of a 6.02 am balcony revolution with a woolen jumper over a navy cotton dress. hair hairdressed, curls obeying and attentive to beauty, hena glowing each flower flowing stories, each line connecting dots.... she smells african, she smells sudanese.. but her scent is from an alternate reality , just a few moments away and yet planets in time.......

disaster all on my own accord

Here we go again
A disaster
and does this have anything to do with any body else
no
I feel ashamed and I deserve to be ashamed

untitled stress

Stressed
but all my fault
I dont know
whether to applaude or whether to condescend but
i know myself
I know exactly how i think and how I plan
and I am conniving
so I will only fault
today I will only fault



____________________________
the next time I am here
I hope I am bette
rin a better place
in a better thought
in a better dream.........

half and half

I am such a mess
a part of me wants this
and a part of me wants that

my dreams are cut in half
they are superimposed on each other unti  Iget a blurred vision

I do not understand
and yet I see it so clearly

I do not want this
and I do not want that

A part of me wants to become the other
and the other wants to remain wanted

I do feel like a broken record
round and round and round
and the lyrics are all wrong
and the music is off

so of course im dancing to the wrong thing

I am such a mess
I do not know how to tidy it all up
where to being
what to throw out and what to keep

I feel like two halves
one in this country and one in the other place
the place where I belong
and neither part truly belongs to me
for I do not belong to either of them

i belong to the unnatural
to the non existent
to the eerie imagination of dark saga
I belong somehwere between the oceans and the land
the airplanes and the cars
the trains and the wrong commands...................

replace me today

Dear God,

I have to go I should be there now
But I just want to say
I miss you and i love you
you are the love of my life
always
no matter how faw away I get something always pulls me back
saves me
and that is that
My love for you
I know everything is all messed up
yesterday, the day before
but I know that one day, today
it will start
my journey back to yyou
where I will find you dramatically
I am in great need for this love for you
and I beg you to ....never give up on me

I am sorry I always gave my troubles to everyone but you
I am sorry that i felt I had troubles in the first place

I am sorry that I didnt find it in me to be strong enough to stop myself
I am sorry that I was never strong enough for you
and thtath urts me
more than anything

dear God
I bed your forgiveness
your help
I need you all the time
even though I do not show that all the time
please for give me