Marylin in Hope (5)

Pretty Lady

her eyes dance with flavor

and her skin melts with pain

I wonder have I taken my life in vain

all those young heartbeats 

 just cruising in the mess

I dont know why im not up to the test

of time.... 

Sweet Lady

what are you thinking of?

and what do you want?

why do you imagine a woman so heavy

with nothing

and why can you never feel that burning woman

inside you

you always write waiting

just waiting

just dying to come out

as if one day you find the key

and open and let her out

the woman inside you

I know

but have you ever considered

the door is open

and the key has already done its job

and that girl is still inside

unlocked

but not yet free

.....

 

Marilyn in hope (4)

Theres a time where I dont know who I am
I feel lost and strange in my surroundings
and i wonder where i need to go to feel at home
I feel like home is a far away land that I may never reach
for as long as I am in turmoil inside
then I am at war outside
with the human that I am
and the way that I look
and the changes that seem impossible because
they are impossible because I am impossible
because  I cant believe them
and sometimes I Dont even want them
because i think - I dont deserve them
and so I must bewrong
to be this happy
the hope that I once knew is gone
at least
at least
I used to feel sorry for myself when  i did wrong
now i dont even care
the hope i once knew is finished
now I dont even understand what is going on
and im too weak to try
its like the battle is already won and im still fighting
so im fighting a lost battle
ive let others take hold of my power
ive let others want things for me that i want
ive let others take from me what i want
ive let others enter and leave as they please
I am a huuge failure right now
unable to think for myself and
most dangerously
unable to do as i desire
there is no marilyn in hope
or hope in marilyn
there is no hope anywhere
i just feel dead , like her

Marilyn in Hope (3)

God I miss him so much
the extravagance of his touch
and the memories in his voice
and the reasons for his choice
to choose me
God Its all my fault
I'm not strong as I thought
or beautiful as I knew
for my heart is blackened few
sins but large commands to become unknowledged
and powerless to believe
even though I am a believer
God I cant be me
for all I see, is him being locked free
I know he hurts but i hurt more
and I know he misses but all my arrows have missed
but I am the selfish crowd
harbouring cold and cloud
I dont know what Im going to wear
what if things go lost
at what cost?
will i survive?
Ya Rab , stop these ridicules in my head
I am a strong powerful sudanese woman born and bred
living slightly on the edge of life
and yet trying to always eat as much as I can from the world
wrong decisions prioritise my campaign
and the actual few right  ones I take in vain
yes no always maybe
marilyn monroe was never sure how beautiful she looked
and felt so alone even though the whole world adores her
I just want him to adore me
and to never forget me
and to forgive me


I dream into space
to think of the deepest part of me
and converse with its madness
but all i hear is nothing
and all i see are regrets
and all i see is weakness
and all i see is a weak woman
a weak weak woman
one who is ready to give up  the after for life
and the quran for facebook
and God for sleep
and  love for earrings
and time for death

slowly as I am alive

Marilyn in hope (2)

This woman has had so much heartbreak
This woman has had so much pain
and yet during all her films and presentations
she looks the part and more perfect to the core
you cant see a scratch or a lash
even though her heart has a gash
of bleeding history and denial
that she may be the prettiest girl taken a picture of
because she has an aura of mystery and pleasure
and an existent secret that climbs up her shoulders
and a smile that curves my life around
for a black spot is similiar and I am only
slightly..... screaming
and memories have to be hidden and alive
pictures have to be hidden from her true feelings
and stories have to be untold
but a smile is the most important dream
and i smile because i have love
....................

 

Marylin in Hope (1)

 =  Taking from the past a woman with incredible mystery

marylin monroe loved chanel no 5 - a perfume for true women

I can understand why 
there is something tragically desiring about it

I ask myself why she was so sad and how she couldnt see how beautiful she was 

then I ask myself the same questions

her pictures ask me to question my inner beauty and the depth of my smile and I want something more from myself

more than just normality

more than just being a woman 
more than just using lipstick or wearing something nice

I plan to write a series of life change using her pictures as inspiration and verification 

that a woman can only be beautiful if she feels it

only
nothing else can help

__________________
(1)

I plan to be a new woman
one who has something to say even if there are no words
I want to be something unique one to be remembered always
even if I am the only one to remember
I plan to exist
for myself first and then to help others
and to help others and make them feel
something theyve never felt before
I plan to be desired
to be natural
yet.... intermittent with diamonds or gold
one set of earrings or a bottle of chanel no 5 is all I need
to survive
I plan to ... be wonderful
like a purity in dirt
and an innocence in guilt
and a faithful amongst the weak
i plan to be strong
and in love
/...................