Falling from grace

You see im angry at myself for so long for so much for so little done when it could all have been done. Or stopped

Its coming and im scared

So i shout and scream and just want to find peace

Although peace is not here

Im stuck 

But its hard driving elegance then coming down

Worse its hard being told. Suddenly. But even then. Its hard. And its hard being so big and tired. But its harder knowing i did this to myself

Inflammed inside

And now i have more to add 

But i have no time since i have to study 

All my failures

I feel arrogantly stupid and stupidly naive

Thinking im good when im terrible 

And let me tell you that that is true

In all cases

Of life

And here i am in someone elses role trying to fit in when i cant

I have to be supervised it seems and i have to be given out to like achild and even sworn to 

But i have to accept because some is true and other parts are not but i have to accept because 

Because the embarassment is too much from my side 

He wouldnt let me touch him or even look

Thats the lack of trust he has

But that is now the same for others

No trust 

So he opens his books and comes supervise

An old lady 

A blind spot

Or six

He who makes a mistake once is intelligent but he who makes it twice is a fool

I am sad

Not at anyobdy but myself

For not seeing my faults before others point them out

For not seeing my failures before they consume me

For not taming my anger for not trying hard enough 

For being scared all the time

For letting disease getting in the way. 

For letting time get in the way 

For being a crappy mum 

No love

Me

One act 1

One day iimagine u wakke up and life really does change forever in the most horrible wsy. 

But here is the thing you did that. You simply took your life and threw it away 

And then others anc even family

Its all over 

You will never go to a party or eat where you want or go to the next big movie or buy clothes or shoes or go to university or go to france or have children

End of part of 1

Half

Half the year

Today is 30th june. Tomorrow is second half, like a browk relay race ive only just arrived

Bigger than the biggest elephant yet smaller than the smallest pearl

I was shiny but cant see it no where

I kinda miss writing

But also praying

You see the devil has become of me 

And now im messing

With the wrong thing

Things 

Trying to be good

Trying failing

Tommorow is the seocnd half of the year

An empty page

But like all these things 

The start for two secondsthen its over

Fat

Do u know sometimes i eat a big giant choc triple cookie with a big dollop of nutella

About a 1000 calories on a 120 kilo same size gorilla

Im being mean on purpose

Im being horrid to myself just like ive been horrid to myself

Summary what happened these last 6 months 

Everything

Nothing

Bigger bigger bigger