Thursday, May 17, 2012

is it 1.35 or 3.35 am?

feeling im in the wrong place but at the right time i have so much to do always in wrong gear and always unable to speed up or slow down when i need
im listening to khartoum streets and broken taillights african style of radio makes me move my body and reminisce on ad ream of a future moment khartoum  the broken city of my dreams the heartbroken africa tale of a slashed country a part for me and a part for hell
i feel like im in the middle of its heartbeat bleeding just like it is
i feel like if i close my eyes i can see the green shops closed and the people asleep all 40million and then some of them
i feel like i can hear their cars sleep too and the dirt on the streets the dirty water and the cold pasgianoses in the freezers, the days waiting to turn and i am here
in the air between two countries two moments in time
two hours in space where i am lost
unknown to where i belong am i here or there?
am i meant to be here or am I meant to be there
asleep like everyone else
or insomniac sleep lover
i want to become an insomniac ive slept enough i want to be like dark angel
or like captain america who works out atnight
i want to be different strong and able for the most difficult of hardship
one being to combat my soul
this weak and dishonest terrible minefield of trauma and trouble
selfish and unable to tell me anything but destruction
i never feel right
and so i must jolt it out of position and teach it a lesson
and show it something its never seen before
like listening to a sudanese radio station in the middle of london

like STOP just STOP wanting attention
and feeling like you cannot survive

tell me what does pain mean to you
is it two peopel who love each other not being able to be together?
is it dreams not coming true even though they were meant to ...come true
or is it to see a woman destroying her self more and more each day through always feeling like shes at the wrong place but at the righ time
young and healthy
yet its slowly passing
and one day it will only be the pain of missing a day days of time 

No comments:

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -