Monday, May 27, 2024

Khartoum heartbreak the outside staminas

 Deep inside me, I am at loss. I can’t find it. I can’t lose it For I am the tree the roots the commotion.


 I look at words and I find emptiness

 I try search but to no avail for I am singular. I am unique. I am broken forever since the changes of the wind Happened 

I found myself living in an island waiting hoping sinking dreaming wanting 

they say that a Pisces has vivid imagination and boy is that  true for sometimes I feel that I just simply enter and I am there 

Into  all my wishes and all my sanctuary the good and the bad 

I make it looks so easy I take away the hardness I spend separate from my reality. I want to write it in books but I am paralysed with what I don’t know today I realised I am singular. I don’t feel felt. 


But then I remember that no one can downgrade me and then I remember that I have no responsibility in other peoples actions except my own and then I remember that I am like the flickering electricity light wanting to come on resisting To come off. Only I can degrade myself it’s funny. I commented that I talk too much and the answer was yes in invisible ink. I am desperate. 


But being desperate, isnt the bottom of the pit-  allowing it to consume you is and I have done that. I have listened to the endless arm of the other. I have kicked myself Trying to warn myself. 


But I have Decided if I’m going to be alone i might as well be alone By myself i’m going to be alone. I might as well creation Energy from For. I am the woman in the seas and I am the woman on the mountain and I am the woman with rocks and I am the woman that can swim but yes doesn't! and I am the woman that can grow I am the woman that creates but can she see?  I am here. 


Best amel 

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -