Memoirs of a Sudanese Breath: January 2023

Friday, January 27, 2023

Everyone’s mum is

Patient except me

Doesn’t have that ugliness but I do

I’m not talking about my mum

She’s nice as can be

Trying her best I can see

But me

I make others cry

Far away I live in an unknown land

And come pounce whenever I can

On small prey to make them cry and feel sad

Lonely and mad

Like me

Punishments

All girls are now happy except mine

All girls are not angry except mine

All girls are talked well to

Except I’m not talked well to

I’m not talked to at all

I’m all alone

The younger mama Nagat

Her story lives on

In a room of silence just modern

Just forward dated

This exam

These no attempts

These lack of decisions

These missing emails

These hard to answer emails

These sleepless nights

These awful mornings

These failed tries

Whose fault is it

I just don’t know

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -