reediting ... pre Ramadan

imagine an escapade of dreams bouncing into your life becoming a reality when you shouldnt be telling people your secrets but instead you do and you find your strengths in your weaknesses and your kindness becomes a sword for others to die upon. i

dont think am a nice person but people see me as

and i

dont see myself as worthy

of all thursdays

and all these plans

and all these papers

and all these methods

and all these strange but beautiful things

and i

dont see myself in stability of creation

always forgetting

always beginning

never finishing

I wish i wasnt the woman i hate seeing in others

this crippled thing where we told her not to do it 

but she did

and now she simply has no life , no dreams, no prosperitity

marriage simply.... roped her and she never knew when she wore that glamorous dress with sparkles and tied up her hair with diamonds that she was really being kidnapped into a world of commitment ... but commitment that just doesnt deserve. the type of commitment you dont want to have

the type of commitment that is ugly

you just give your life to someone who doesnt deserve you 

I

do deserve the best

but am i the best

and I

do deserve to fight 

but am i winning or losing

and i 

do deserve to ask forgiveness

but forgiveness for myself ?

and i

do deserve to give others my all

but am i the one? 

and i do deserve it all

but am i selfish?

what is the difference between selfish and self love ? between selfish and purity of soul offering only whats right

you see

i am a good woman tainted with life

and i am a good Muslim tainted by laziness

by lack of commitment 

by lack of fear 

but i should be afraid

because i am only a minute thing in the grandness of Allah's decadency

and I although want to create want to be want to have want to prevent want to go want to pass want to be learn want to eat want to live want to kiss want to sleep want to pay want to get want to gloss want to dance want to listen

am just a minute thing in the grandness of things

 i need reediting

 i need modifying

i need to commit to myself

i need to understand that this Ramadan is different that all Ramadans

for for the first time in my life 

i skipped a year

and for the first time in my life

i don't feel like a good person or a good Muslim

and for the first time in my life 

i am a mother

and for the first time in my life 

i want to win

the hearts of all .. beginning with Allah

lost without control >>>> pre ramadan tiredness

It is likely that you have been feeling a lot of pressure in your career lately. You may be wondering if it is worth the stress. Don't take your mood too seriously. Let a few days pass before making any radical decisions about changing your life. If possible, spend some time alone to think about what is really important to you. Meditation will help clear your head and better judge whether or not you are on the right path.




it is likely i am creating the stress for myself 
going low to the lowest of intervals of my life feeling like i have no control

remember i used to be lost but under control
now my hands dont leave my phone 
and i am a bad influence 
used to pray at the mosque and fight battles all the same
now he just fights battles feeling like i make it a losing one 

where are the words
the memories 
the strengths
the coping strategies that work
the love
the love for self
for harmony 
for baking
for studying
for becoming something


where am i 
what am i doing
where am i to allah
is this the person i want to grow up as ?
what is happening!


long time no hear
its like a room inside me is locked
where is the key
why cant i open the door to this room

if i did find the key
what would i find inside
what am i looking for in this missing room

is it a room beautifally decorated but empty
is is a room filled with things
what things
beautiful clothes
qurans 
my family
lots of certificates

what am i looking for 

i feel like im only using a single mode of my brain
like its just jammed
there is nothing else working but what im using now
limitied programs
limited settings

just a tiny part of life
is what im living 



to be continued.....