Sometimes

Sometimes im this

Sometimes im that

Sometimes im broken

Sometimes i shake

Myself lonely for bait

Sometimes i wonder

Sometimes i dont

Sometimes i imagine the

Scenes of my thoughts

Flying over and under out of my heart and into my mind

Sometimes i wish i was inside them theyre good for the ride

Sometimes i weep

Sometimes i hurt

Them all

Sometimes im not magical 

Or spiritual

Just physically wrong

Sometimes im alone

Ineverything

Soemtimes itsmy fault

Always 

I cant smell your kindness

She spoke

She isright im a messed up float

Of asinking human being

Unhealthy

Self sabotage queen

And going around in circles master

Unable to communicate my disasters

Here i am letting my angry face win

And the dissipate from my disease

I cant smell your kindness so use this to mask your odour

Of terrible mothership and owndership

Cant control yourself so control others

Fear it

You are a terrible person 

Know it

Your sins are unacceptable

Believe it your smell is disgusting

Own up to it

You are shadows worth of nothing 

Faith/Eman

ايمان الحلوة المستحيلة 

حاسة بزنوب حاسة بمسؤولية 

دايراك تكوني الاحسن 

قبل ما اوريك

دايراك تكوني الاسعد

قبل ما اديك 

انا الام 

انا الصعب

انا الخير انا الغلط 

مشاعر افكار ،ايام وليالي 

محتاجة اكتب  كل افكاري

وين انتي

تعالي

لي 

ما عملتي

منافسة 

صعبة 

من كل النواحي

انا الام انا بحاول انا ببهت 

انا بكورك

كل الحاجات ما ممكن في ايد واحد

بس انا كدة ماسكة الاشياء كلها التلفون للابد 

اخر رسالة ؟ 

اخر شحنة

يا ما نصحتي 

يا ما قلتي وانتي صغيرة 

بس انا العويرة 

بقولو قلقة 

بقولو بقاطع

من ما انتي 

هي مقاطع 

انا بحاول

انا الام 

ايمان الحلوة 

انا السم 

انا الام 

انا الالم 

انا اخاف من الزمن 

انا الام انا حزينة حاسة ببعادك 

وانتي صغيرة 

صغيرة و كبيرة 

مكابسة 

محاولة 

ناجحة 

بس اكثر انا فاشلة

لمن الناس اقولو 

بالطريقة المؤلمة

امل شوفي اولادك ….

وانا اسمع واحاكي

ليكي يا الغالي

ولكن ها النتيجة 

تعبانة و حزينة 

متلخبطة 

وانتي انانية و لا انا؟

تعبت 

رجلي

ايدي

افكارك 

وحدتي

علي طريق الوحدة حكون 

فين اخطائك  

كل يوم حامر بهم

يا ربي 

حكون لوحدي 

حتا انت قارهني

يا ربي

لوحدي لوحدي

اذا بنتي خلتني

فالروح و الافكار 

هل ما كان عندي خيار؟ 

تعبانة 

خائفة 

وحيدة 

حزينة 

لا استطيع المنافسة لا اريد ايمع صوتي

مقرف

لا استطيع احب شيء

فلا شيء يحبني

انا حزينة  

يا ايمان 

انا سندك

انا الام

انا الام 

Lonely person

Sitting with her phone 

Strong inside but all on her own

Laptops mobiles games and apps

I have to sit woth silence on my lap 

No space for tearsbut they are hot and wavy 

People sit next to me i must show nothing crazy

But im lonely scared anxious tired hoping losing trying winning failing all those ways

My prayer mat sits folded it lays

I worry on phonecalls complaints ams what he thinks 

Although ig should be the opposite and yet i aink 

With cinemas in my head and all the things i dread

He doesnt want to talk to me

Why could that be

I miss being…. Someone im not

I hate being … ready for a clot

I love being… in my own dreams 

Forever like this it would seem

Those bmws 

Those holidays 

Those children that love me

Those nice curves

Those super smart hands

Those wise words

 

Just be gentle

A 6 year old say to me in A hard place

I feel isolated small misjudged trying useless

Or Is it correct

Am i lacking troubling wrong 

When am i right and when am i wrong 

I refused a place 

Maybe too early maybe too late

Maybe a big mistake

Maybe i don’t know maybe i do

Just wait 

And it will come true

What 

I must beat this feeling of worry 

This feeling of loss 

Nothing can stop me from 

Dancing 

Turning on ny lava lanp

Watching avacado

Stop hurting my nails

Trying 

I wonder

What an ousted preseident does the next day

Sleep in? 

Play tennis ? 

Or cry? 

I wonder what she meant when she said its a little bit out of our normal routine visiting mum in the nursery home but its ok. Did she mean it is what it is or its annoying ? Is there no fear that will be us one day

All that shouting, wailing. Trying

I wonder what he thinks of my thoughts

Reasonable, annoying, dramatic? 

I wonder what i think of his

Needs me for everything ( well thats wrong for sure) 

Iwonder why he did what he did 

Buying here not there, buying this not that buying for so and so and not that. 

I wonder how smart i am  how kind i am, how good i am  how honest i am. I wonder how healthy i am

I wonder where things are and where things will go

I wonder where things need to be and how calm can i be

I wonder how hard will it be to really relax and find calm and peace these next two weeks

And how calm i canbe no matter what 

I wonder what i know and what i dont. What i have promised for real and what i have promised in treason

I wonder whyi careabout the news

The world news the bad news the news that wastes time and weakenshearts

The news that wastes time

Falling from grace

You see im angry at myself for so long for so much for so little done when it could all have been done. Or stopped

Its coming and im scared

So i shout and scream and just want to find peace

Although peace is not here

Im stuck 

But its hard driving elegance then coming down

Worse its hard being told. Suddenly. But even then. Its hard. And its hard being so big and tired. But its harder knowing i did this to myself

Inflammed inside

And now i have more to add 

But i have no time since i have to study 

All my failures

I feel arrogantly stupid and stupidly naive

Thinking im good when im terrible 

And let me tell you that that is true

In all cases

Of life

And here i am in someone elses role trying to fit in when i cant

I have to be supervised it seems and i have to be given out to like achild and even sworn to 

But i have to accept because some is true and other parts are not but i have to accept because 

Because the embarassment is too much from my side 

He wouldnt let me touch him or even look

Thats the lack of trust he has

But that is now the same for others

No trust 

So he opens his books and comes supervise

An old lady 

A blind spot

Or six

He who makes a mistake once is intelligent but he who makes it twice is a fool

I am sad

Not at anyobdy but myself

For not seeing my faults before others point them out

For not seeing my failures before they consume me

For not taming my anger for not trying hard enough 

For being scared all the time

For letting disease getting in the way. 

For letting time get in the way 

For being a crappy mum 

No love

Me