Khartoum heartbreak the outside staminas

 Deep inside me, I am at loss. I can’t find it. I can’t lose it For I am the tree the roots the commotion.

 I look at words and I find emptiness

 I try search but to no avail for I am singular. I am unique. I am broken forever since the changes of the wind Happened 

I found myself living in an island waiting hoping sinking dreaming wanting 

they say that a Pisces has vivid imagination and boy is that  true for sometimes I feel that I just simply enter and I am there 

Into  all my wishes and all my sanctuary the good and the bad 

I make it looks so easy I take away the hardness I spend separate from my reality. I want to write it in books but I am paralysed with what I don’t know today I realised I am singular. I don’t feel felt. 

But then I remember that no one can downgrade me and then I remember that I have no responsibility in other peoples actions except my own and then I remember that I am like the flickering electricity light wanting to come on resisting To come off. Only I can degrade myself it’s funny. I commented that I talk too much and the answer was yes in invisible ink. I am desperate. 

But being desperate, isnt the bottom of the pit-  allowing it to consume you is and I have done that. I have listened to the endless arm of the other. I have kicked myself Trying to warn myself. 

But I have Decided if I’m going to be alone i might as well be alone By myself i’m going to be alone. I might as well creation Energy from For. I am the woman in the seas and I am the woman on the mountain and I am the woman with rocks and I am the woman that can swim but yes doesn't! and I am the woman that can grow I am the woman that creates but can she see?  I am here. 

Best amel 

Sudden entry

 It all happened so fast how the twist of fate can come about

Suddenly i am not calm

I am not myself

I am angry

I am weak

Oh how weak

Suddenly i must listen to the degradation

Suddenly i must be isolated but strong

Weak but strong

Angry but strong

Oh how easy it is to put blame and i do its all their fault

But is it?

Its a personality failure

Its a personality drama

Its a personality break

Flaw

It makes me mad

Oh how disgusting

Oh how annoying

Oh how trespassing

Oh how sudden! 

The suddenness how at 4.00 pm its ok and at 4.02 its just  not.

 

The healthy mother

 I envied her because it was free

I suddenly looked down at myself and saw ….

It all 

The sadness the tiMe the 0 effort the madness of my actions

How hard i made it seem 

To energise my life 

How easy she made it seem to live life to the full 

I couldn't possibly relate to the scale of things shes done to help herself succeed 

But consistency is one of them 

She has been consistent

I have also been consistent 

The broken kind however

Consistently opening up the wounds

Leaving them raw

Leaving them salted

Watching 

My hands tied 

But thats how they are when i do what i do 

I wondered her age 

But one can assume it doesnt really matter

Similarity 

Is the key 

 

Asha

 Sometimes we see people for the last time.  We don’t realise it it’s a small speck in history just  a part of a day when life was ok 

Life was happening nothing much or maybe it was everything 

And then war happens and u remember those people

Iike asha our helper - i wonder what has become of her poverty. I hope she got married as she had planned. I hope she is safe and her family

They used to work a lot for us- i wonder how they are

How she is  she - does she think of us? 

I wonder did she realise it was the last time and we would probBly never see her again

Khartoum love story part 1

only her sisters wedding ... to the man she loved the nile splashing tears while glitter glittered like a sea of invisible for her jewels, cloud perfume, sandalwood , ... the expensive kind her eyes moved around waiting for her sisters arrival from the beauty parlour with .... ayman. the man of her dreams . she could hear her mum give instructions those women havnt been handed out royal biscuits yet ! nina! she could hear her mum shouting at her she startled herself back into the wedding park the weather perfect for january weddings . no danger of rain . just heartbreak she could hear maya her friend from behind giving her encouragement. maya ,nina and ayman were just three of a famour university best friends group - school of engineering. but the whole university knew that only two people were madly in love... and it wasnt the two getting married today nina, maya encouraged , here ill do it taking the biscuits from her friends hand cmon now be strong. looking at nina with the same heartbreak she felt . bad things happened. between nina amd ayman and noone could do anything about it . because noone would believe her. it was a cold khartoum day just like this 1 year ago when ayman and nina brokeup. outside khartoum airport - the mess, the chaos, the families. the two had stood still im time and pain, two hours before his flight i cant believe this, nina shouted. how can you believe everything you hear ! because its from your family! your sister ! he reclaimed back . i cant keep doing this. first i see you with him , then i get sent this he takes out his phone and nearly shoves it in her face as nina sees herself laughing in the restaurant with hamid in closeness. she knew all too well the fakeness of that photo and the evil behind it. hamid had wanted her to be his with avengeance while her sister had wanted ayman. and this was the end result . her love of her life falling for it . the plot but thats not all that made give up on their love - for hamid and her sister had staged an 'alone together ' scenario where her sister reemo had told hamid when nina was alone at home . he had come right into her bedroom shocking the life out of nine but before she opened her mouth , she say ayman there was well. but the gentleman that he was - he saw what he thought he saw and left . to this day nina could not fully understand how ayman had made it at that time while hamid had suddenly appeared but she was sure her sister had something to do with it. she had asked reemo but she just shrugged smd said dont blame me for not respecting ayman nina wished she could tell ayman how she knew it was a setup but she knew deep down it was too late. as broken as broken down yellow taxi next to her- she tried one last time ayman - lets talk this through. think this through. i dont have eyes for aNyone but you ! but ayman shook his head looking down at the sunheated tarmac giving up on them like his confirmed ticket i have to go he says . my flight is leaving soon nina continues to stare at him but this time knowing she has lost. she knew that at that point there was nothing she could do to save their love. for ayman had fallen out of love with her. goodbye nina queitly says . ayman looks up at her for the first time with the look of a stranger and repeats the same goodbye , disappointment visible but not regret - turning his back to her and fixing his handback

Whats a Sudan

without its Sudanese having ran their mint teas still warm their washing still hung their cars still on the petrol lines for devestation as we knew it was always a part of our lives but we had hopeful yards that the sun was ours and the moonlight twinkled across the broken despair we had weddings to go to and new funerals but not the bloody kind. the iinds that were nurtured illnesses of maybe sudden dramas all within the confounds of our blessings whats a sudan without those busy bridges and annoying rakshas without the beautiful satins on hisy dirty streets on the backways of bahri, ladies from near and far for all the happy reasons being picky about shades of purples and blues asking the important questions - does this come in green? never having to ask how many of my family are left ? whats a Sudan without music good music bad music but music . on the streets barbers radios cars house yards televisios in the day and at night whatsa Sudan without the ways we knew the streets we lived in and the mess it was a mess explainable a mess organised who are we without our Sudan that feelimg you get when the plane lands or just when the electricity gets back or on thursday evenings driving on the nile or friday afternoons with your family eating mulah or having just left the kofeer or getting visitors or ramadan nights with the big table out or finding rare brands in shops i usedto adore or getting your hair braided or going to a fancy place i can only go in my memory now

Hey glitter

 

On our bodies you hold memories sewn into our lives

 Glittering with dazzle little did we know it would all be left behind 

In wardrobes to be trashed by militia and demons

I really just remember all the beautiful juice of lemons… with mint

And green it was one from Marta one my own choice . From a laid back alley way in midtown Khartoum 

Khartoum heartbreak at its core here - little did i know heartbreak was the least to fear 

Many things lost like gardens, cars and me

Our houses our families and the way we smiled in that photo 

Taken one day there

And now it’s here 

To glitter

In the past

Little did I know the past is cast with no way repeating it

I can’t even feel it

Those neon lights

The smell of kitchens

The sound of cockroaches 

The click of electricity coming back 

The horns of Rakshas 

The sound of locks opening in doors sleeping

The sounds of fans in ceilings 

The waiting around for all to get in the car after a mugyal 

The rubbish everywhere but at least it had no blood

The bridge knowing we were back home

The question of do we need bread or not 

The local shop that was always open 

The getting out of cars to open front gates 

The pains of my heart 

But the glitter will always stay in those pictures

And she will always have been in that picture and I in a selfie with her in that moment in time