unfaithful

That moment in the film when she coud have gotten the taxi in stead of going inside to the man apartment.......


at the beginning you think - best she went with him - exciting dangerous feelings come rushing in as what appened next and you want to see that discover that you forget  your whole world your simple world it becomes meaningless and you dont remember any guilt or regret .......then
and  then days pass, or maybe even hours and you begin to miss your simplicity you begin  to wish you DID get int othat taxi - and you dont know how to get rid of what youve done and just simply walk away......



my unfaithfulness might not be as serious as what happened in the film but it certainly feels like so in my mind - and my body and most importantly in my faith and that is enough to make me feel ...all this pain
 up until one minute my life was beautfiul , wondeful, I was filled with a beauty to become a better person - and then suddenly suddenly it was like someone pushed me in to hell
at first it didnt seem like hell
it seemed like heaven actually
were my dreams coming true/?
I had to see
was it meant to be ?
I had to know
nothing else mattered
not even GOD

this is probably what hurts me so much right now
for once....God did not matter
I didnt care if I was doing the wrong thing or not
I didnt care of GOd was watching or not
deep down I knew he was but I thought
Ill think about it later..........

and here I am ...... in deep pain thinking about it later

it was like this black hole they keep talking about in space
the nearer you get to it the bigger it becomes and then it sucks you inside and you cannot get away
I got closer and closer and closer and then I was sucked inside I couldnt get away - it got bigger and bigger and bigger and my sanity the real me got smaller and smaller and smaller
and I felt.....minature in this big gaping hole
and sure enough even when the morning came I felt night was st ill there that dark night the darkest nights - and the hole continued to get bigger ......and bigger.......and bigger
temptation desire lust no caution curiousity the feelng of attraction
so even when I was gone the damage was there - just a day ago I was thinking of so many other things
and then just a day after I am a totally otehr person one who i want to rip in pieces
suddenly I am thrown back in to anger/hate/inner turmoil/ fear/ regret
terrible regret
I suddenly miss the simple things in me - like being alone
I suddenly miss the good in me - I cannot fathom how I became so ugly in just under 4 hours - and ill never know
but now
right now
 i am still being pulled into the black hole
I am still being sucked in - the aftermath of destruction