unfaithful 2

I wish I could take something back
but I cannot
i wish I could get amnesia and forget
but I am only remembering more
I wish I was the hope I knew
but I have changed
I wish I was stornger
but I was weaker
I wish I was not in so much pain right now
but I am
I wish I was not unfaithful
but I was
I wish I remembered the moon glaring at me
and the clouds trying to help me
and God testing me
maybe I could have passed
but I failed as i alwayes do in other aspects in my life
and here I am with nothing
but deep disgusting  regret and a shamful feeling of failure
I failed
I let myself fail
I let myself fall
i let my mind stop working
I let it happen
I
let
it
be
and now I have no one to blame but myself


but.......if i keep like this then life will have stopped for me on that train
then life would have stopped for me in that moment and then whats the point in living the rest of my life
the only point i have now is just to get back to the woman i was ....4 days ago
I cannot take back time
 I cannot stop time and come from the future and tell myself, show myself how wrong i was
I cannot do anything to take my problems away
 Ican only .......... move forward
I can only move forward and the more I move the further i will be the more ties will be cut
I can only think of what I did not think of that night
God
and jealousy?
I am jealous as I am the traitor
here I am thinking........I'm the best I'm the best and I'm the worst
I'm a terrible person
I'ma real betrayor
I'm a real monster
maybe even the devil in disguise..............maybe even the worst memory