untitled frustration

I am beaten by the colours of my despair
I cannot believe I would get this weak
trying to tell someone to forgive me?
when I am really asking myself for forgiveness
I am really asking God for forgiveness
but I am too embarrassed


You know
you reach that stage where u feel so evil and wicked and you think
why am I doing this?
when am I going to stop?

I have no idea why I'm so angry like this
God has been nothing but good to me
I should be the happiest girl in the world

and maybe I am but without expression
I cannot express

I feel uselss defenseless
a ahypocrite
I feel like I deserve to go hell
for what I've written said done thought saw felt touched dreamt

i feel like a hypocrite
I dont say what I think
I dont do what I want
i tell others they are wrong when I am clearly more wrong than them
i tell about others but dont tell about myself

too afraid??
well
imagine if people found out
your dark and dirty secrets
your evil connotations
yur exposed dreams
of they spilt on the floor
like muddy tidal waves
imagine if your real thoughts came alive
imagine if your screams were heard
imagine if what you were doing was heard
imagine if you were wrong and they were right

...which is very close to coming true

my hands hurt
my nails hurt
my hands look like from another century
my mind is running to anotehr era
my heart is pounding for ad ifferent history
and my body feels its stuck here in its day of age trying to collect everyhting together

I am
tired..........