Wanting something u never knew

Then it becomes lingering inside and out 

U buy green kicrowaves when decisions havnt been made

Nothing formal

All inside

But everything so close ans yet so far

Really does make me sick

In my heart aches sort of way 

Not sure what i want

Or need

My sanity of course and somw patience on the side

Wiuld be great

Lingering trying

Having not

Having what 

Having here

Having close

Waiting

People poking u 

With words stares and dares

Phonecalls useless

Absolutely useless and time machines working

I hate this

But i hatemyself more

What is my linger

What is my situation

And am i at fault

Of course im at fault

And now im trying to save the situation

Well

No save

No crave

Just wait…

It really hurts

When u come home from work and he goes upstairs

No in between

No im sure

No i care or dont

I want or dont

Just

Distance

No knowing

No understanding

No clarity

No me no him 

Just the stairs

And soon we might  not even have a stairs

So where will the running be  now 

Youll just have to jump!

Or stay 

Or avoid

God im scared

Can i do this

Is this the right thing for us for me

Am i ok 
What is going to happen
Who is correct and who isnt
My anxiety or my reality
My anxiety or my thinkingprocesses For me its clinging on for others its madness
I had to say no to tomoro and friday 
Wish i cud
But where is the money working for someone else
?
I 
Feel
Sad
I wish leanne didn't finish 
Me like
Me dont like my pain of rejection
And the fainting adrenaline inside

You dumb goat

I want to scream 

Starbucks cannot be enough the black bucket of caffiene inside my veins

I want to scream

Holding hands

Calm 

Laughing yet 

My heart beats uncontrollably

I have no control really

This strong inflatable woman 

Yet really legs pressing voices agonising

People misunderstanding

Anxious they say 

Manly they say

But weak i am

Lost i am 

My branches coming out like malformed genetic hybrids

I look and do as  mum 

But its unmagical

I want to acream 

Love love love

The type that walks in hotels crisp of the edge of wanting something never found never known 

The heartbreak shines of her eyes the ones that fall after she thinks its all over but her heart burns in agony… for all of that

And then the type that makes men press on the pedal of their bmw faster harder to reach… her

Just to see just to be

Just to 

Make me feelempty ashe gets his  coffee and goes upstairs