Missing out

 On things that I shouldn’t

Like being kind to my children

Or taking a walk everyday 

Like stopping the shouting and being calm

Like working extra hard

Like getting rich 

Not for me for them 

Like holding them in and not pushing them out

My reaction is surprising to me that it would annoy me when he says come mama rather than take it as a glimmer of hope that he is one that cares for me

It is also surprising how angry I feel at all that happens

Just like my own mum

Even though I hate it happening to me 

I  am her when I vowed I wouldn’t 

Why do I have to copy ?

When I tell her the exact opposite advice

Not so easy is it 

Or

You can dish it but you can’t do it

It’s sad

All of this is sad

Not right

I’m drowning

Feeling emotionally tangled in a web of wrong

I will die like this