cancel each other out

Here I am......in a war of time and balance
feeling like all my words have failed me andbetrayed me
fr I am unsheltered and broken

I feel like I have all the reasons of impurity and sadness by my side
suddenly my writing decieves me and weakens me
I feel embarrassed from all ive written

suddnly i think what  is this
what have i done
where have i been gone
why am I like this
soooo impatient

I want to scream

I want to get lost in a paradise far far away
where I dont know about anything and they dont know about me
I want to be in a place where I am sheltered with peace and no worry
just praying to god
just remembering he is the only thing close to me
between these rocks and water
between these sands and distance
I wish I knew a place like that in my mind
where I would find heaven inside
and deep within
and feel free from sin
and extra thoughts
and loose promises
and untied results

I wish I wasbetter
cleaner
smarter
more talanted
more patient
stronger
wiser
happier

I am unhappy because
I am stretched in a million ways
I want this
but I also want to be that
I want to go right but I want to stay left
I want to live here but I also want to live there
I want to know t his but i want to knwo that
I want to love this but I want to love that
I want to do this but I want to do that
I realise
im living in a world where all I do is want
I just want and want and want and want
I enver get because all my wants cancel each other out

i dont want to cancel my wants no more
there is an important thing i need to do to achieve my monthly discovery
YA RAB
a monthly discovery is important to me
please do not let me fail never mind fail the first one ............
Ya RAB