I...must need a new mind

God , I have so much to say
but It doesn't come out
its a problem lately
I promised I would start the year
clean
healthy
imaginatively ..ok
I never usually am so weak
thinking where the wind blows me
I
HAVE felt this feeling before
I
KNOW why everything is so silent
the trivial consequences of my outer speeches and inner madness
combining in a futile despair to look good and ..romantic
for someone, something I don't even
KNOW!
I
opened the door
after a 1023 attempts to blindly discreetly subtly look normally the one
for a gentle name I heard
through waves of telephone lines and simple amenities
like
I wanted to know the truth
I
FLEW
to see and hear the disparity of time
intentionally drunk with plans
smiling and showering my inner romances
ones I had hidden so long
my
DREAMS
my
LOVE
ones that
I
GREW
over watching heaven and earth combine to form magnificent love stories
ones that disperse out of emotional truth
out of aching want and desire that brings happiness
anyway
lost with understanding
when I was old I was young
now
I feel young with immaturity and lack of control
I
LOST
the position of becoming aspired
the position of feeling wanted
the place of finding your place
the way to have control
over a heart
its not like this
waiting for what?
wanting what?
I could be 5 or less with silly thinking
yet
I
cannot stop the impatience and sucking on sweetened future
tasting the dreams coming true
like I
KNEW