18 January 2021

A small act changed my life 

It came out of the blue

But changed my future quick

Erased my beautiful past with a swipe 

And broke my wings

Those wings I use to fight and fly with

Dream and feel free with

Feel strong and powerful with

Feel good and happy with

Feel proud and determined with

Feel solid and unbroken with

All those things changed 

It was like a new dawn a new era upon me 

But without the sun

Without the trust I had given away so easily

I don’t know

A part of me remains

Catching the cool wind and trying to entertain

The remaining is in the spiders web only able to watch asking silently 

That old hope filled with fire and power I feel is gone

But then I ask 

It was already gone 

I had eaten into the power of me

Through my loud voice and anxiousness

Through my seemingly invisible strength

Here I am 

Shouting and singing threats 

Never able to face defeat

Instead hitting it until I bruise

And then asking people to fix my bruises

Here I am wanting the results without trying

Expecting gain without effort

Trying But never really

Wanting but never asking

Myself

On the 18th January 2021 i realised I truly was alone

But the worst is that I had really failed myself

Believing in others never really ever believing in me

Trusting others but not me

Living my life not to its potential or nowhere near while others were very much living ... differently to me anyway 

And here I was not in harmony with my soul or myself or my goals or my dreams or my aspirations

Being led with a rope face in mud 

And expecting that the sandalwood of my heart will still show

I am sad but from no one but myself

I am feeling so alone because I am not close to god or myself

I am feeling powerless because I have never given myself the power of persistence or strength

I am feeling in pain because I have given myself word and kept it