deeply wounded

I cant remember the last time I actually vowed to do something and actually
did
it


i havnt done something in a while

i havnt been commited
or strong

and yet my dreams suffocate me
trying to explode

yes
explode

and  I still want to contain them

and yet i am here
with all this chance
I

am

 unable
escpecially today to be happy

but i am also tired of who i am


i cant believe im jealous ofwrong people

i cant believe i put myself in these danger zones

she cycles to her class

and i

dont even bother opening my praying mat on time

she is more dedicated than i am
she is more faithful than i am
in things that she does


isnt she the reflection i want to be
jsut a different edition
a better one


and the other one

cutting up courgettes like they were diamonds

and  i
just watch
wondering where the trust is coming from
where the lack of ego is coming from

i realised today im not a kind person
beginnign with myself
i realised today
i need help
but i looked in al lthe wrong reasons


i realised today


i am not anywhere near who i want or need or can be


no i
am
a pathetic woman
inconsiderate
and ...
persuasive and demanding

yes


history is true and never incorrect
and i am couched in sorrow just like on this couch
and i am

sorry for myself
deeply

deeply