my eat pray love

Its a rainy gloomy morning
queit and there arnt a lot of people boarding trains or walking near me
I have to check my watch to make sure It's the right time
Am I an hour early, an hour late?
no its the right time
its just a calm day
I ask myself
is it the right time to be sad?
why am I sad?
why am I diasspointed
am I a weak terrible person if  I dont want to be here?
if I want to be somewhere else
I ask myself
why am I tryin to squeeze myself in a container I just will never fit in
not now anyway
I ask myself
Is it really a disaster
Is it really a mess?
or is it exactly what ive been praying for coming true
didnt I ask for this
that by next Ramadan I would be.......
well there are logistics to it Hope
I ask myself
there is one scene I like from eat pray love
where she is eating somewhere in an empty apartment , traffic in the background but calm inside,  eating a warm, delicious emotional and colourful breakfast
its like she is at pause with life and love and meaning
and the world can just wait


I want to experience that
with all my foods
I want to eat everything and feel healthy  and strong
through wisdom of choice and glamorous expeditions of taste

I want to pray delightfully kindly meaningfully romantically
I want to learn how to pray correctly and teach my self  the coordinations with the heavens and a 2pm hot omdurman afternoon

I want to love
with all my heart and extensions of mind and soul
I want to be loved
honestly and kindly
simply and innocently
and right
I want it to be and feel right
no conditions attached
except love

so i decided on one of the last gloomy london mornings - I ll be here
rain dripping from the sky
tyres encircled with water making an open sound of cold
that I will begin my own
eat pray love

beginning with the end of a life I do not want
and starting a journey of self finding and beauty


to be continued................