it suddenly occured to me 1

it suddenly occured me standing  in a busy moving underground
still and tired
suddenly very raw and aware of my fast and quick life
on a slowly moving electronic flat escalator - as everyone passed me by, practically racing to get there


it suddenly occured to me that my life was going to end one day just like that slowly moving escalator
taking me on a journey at first
I couldnt see the end
it felt forever amongst rapid feet
but eventually without even trying I got to the end
there was no way to avoid it
I reached the end

it suddenly occured to me that my life was the exact same
messing and living laughing and crying being late being early
whatever
I am on a moving escalator and one day
one day I will see the end

that day will I say?
no I wish i didnt rush
no I didnt rush but didnt move fast enough either
or will i say
it was just right
the pace

it suddenly occured to me
that                                                                                  I crashed a while back
and I never have been found
like a broken accident
somewhere out in the middle of nowhere
where know one knows
why and how
one of those mysteries
the scene
shows silence and a tiny radiance of cool smoke
like something still has an essence of flame
but too cool to live
to the full

it suddenly occured to me
that all i want is to live
other people have the crown of health completely removed
and yet they struggle for the throne
struggle

and others like me
have a crown given to them voluntarily
they didnt ask for t
they have it
and they have it well

they have it fine
a crown filled with jewels and pearls and diamonds
that is just for them

and yet they throw it away
they drink they smoke
they depress themselves
they ignore their health

until it becomes a struggle

it suddenly occured to me that its all just a moving escalator
it will all take us to the same place
same place
different times

in that time
what will all achieve
what will i achieve
what will i achieve
what will i forgive myself for and never forgive myself for?

it suddenly occured to me
there is a lot i havnt forgiven myself for
time
mistakes
words

waste
done
wrong

it suddenly occured to me that even though i am facing forward i am really going back

even though i am on the only track
it is the wrong one

it suddenly occured to me
that one day
one day
it will be too late

and then will i wake up
and look back
in horror
and think
why
why did I give it all away
my track
my health
my wealth
my days
my breaths
my smiles
my power
my time
simply me
why did i give away me /
?

e