Lost the battle and the war .......so what happens now?

I wish I could go back  to the beginning when words all meant somethnig and my life existed
when all this pain stated and this lack of care
I wish I could go back to the day when I had a choice to stop myself
but they say words arn't enough - its actions
and my actions speak a lot louder than words
foolish words embarrassing words humiliating and selfish

I feel like I've lost my mind
delibrately finding excuces for my unhappinness when really
I have nothing ot be unhappy about
yes there are things to think about
yes there are problems to feel
but there is nothing to be unhappy about
but I decided that I should always be unhappy this is my verdict to myself
my gift to myself
to be so unhappy
to be so weak
its like Im punishing myself for something
what I dont know
living
im punishing myself each and every second for the way I look where I ma what I do how I think what I Want what I deserve
I am convinced that I don't deserve the normal
or the good
I dont deserve being loved
so I need to give it to myself
because no one will give it to me

I punish myself for the way I ook
it pleases noone because it doesnt please me
I try and hide my suffering but how can I hide a mountain of historic anger
a mountain of historic evidence
a mountain of historic lies
lies that scream at me torment me pull me down every day
I feel like this my test from god
it makes perfect sense
but I dont have any sense
all I have is my dissappointment to myself